jack leg. joe schmo. dwight.

my mom says that any joe schmo is really jack leg and my husband's friend says he doesn't even know joe schmo or jack leg - he only knows a lot of dwights. isn't it funny how we all have names for things? like a thing-a-ma-jig or a whatcha-ma-call-it? but for other things, we have more specific titles. and we identify with them. but which one really matters?


I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a woman, a christian, and i work at home (they call that a stay-at-home mom). i talked to my mom about all of these titles this past weekend. i asked her when people were going to realize that i wasn't a little kid anymore? when would they understand that i am now a wife and a mother and a wife? when would they understand that i'm not a little girl anymore? i'm a woman.


we talked a long time about that. and i cried. it's hard to feel like you have to prove yourself to people - and it's even shameful for me to realize that i have that need...to prove myself. being loved in the sight of Jesus should be enough for me, but i'm realizing that i'm not letting it be. i'm wanting to fill voids with what other people think of me. that frustrates me. it leaves me realizing more and more how much growing i have to do. but i'm also glad that i'm struggling with that - and that i became a little bit more aware of it. it means that i'm not sitting still in my walk. i am growing.

i asked mom why life had to be so painful sometimes. we both agreed that when we struggle, we should be thankful for the opportunity to learn. that no matter how old we are, we should continue to learn from our mistakes, our shortcomings, our successes - our faith.


i'm a wife. i'm a mother. i'm a woman. i'm a daughter. i'm a friend. i'm a sister. i'm a christian. i'm a child created by God.


each of those titles makes me proud. i love being a wife and getting to care for my husband. i love that God gave me a husband that makes me laugh. i love thinking about when i was two and splashing in a backyard sprinkler, that God was forming Todd's heart just for me. i love being a mom. i never knew i would be so insanely giddy over the little giggles that my baby makes. i never knew that i could jump up out of a deep sleep so fast (without the blood rushing to my head and making me dizzy - that HAS to be a gift straight from God!) for the sounds of my little one crying in the night. i adore every minute with our loralai - and i think back to when i was 5 and listening to mrs. stephenson reading me stories of mister peabody and i smile knowing that God knew that 23 years later, i would fall madly in love with a daughter of my own and pray that someone just as tender as my kindergarden assistant teacher would love her and read to her. i'm a woman. while it comes with an insane bag of hormones, stretch marks, sagging parts, and eyelash curlers - i love being a woman. i treasure all of the gifts that God gives only to women. i'm thankful for being taught to be gentle, and tender, to nurture, to hug, to cheer on, to wipe tears, to adore, to laugh with and cry with, to send cards for no reason, to write love letters, to record music for the car ride, to laugh openly and love deeply. i find it so freeing to be a woman - God gave us such goodness when he gave man woman. and i love being a daughter. especially now. i love my mom to pieces. i love looking in the mirror when we're both getting dressed and realizing that our bodies are twins - only mine is 5 inches taller. i love knowing that at 58, i'm still going to be just as beautiful as i am today. i love the hugs my mom gives, the advice she offers, the peaceful silence she shares and the insane bouts of giggles we share. there are few people i've nearly peed my pants with laughing - she's one of them. it's true. (especially the time she got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she tripped over the scales and fell - oh if you could have only heard the things that came out of her sweet little mouth.). i love being a daughter. and i love being a friend and a sister. i think they go hand-in-hand. once you leave the house and no longer have to slam doors, or share telephone time, or turn up your music to play out the other's, or have to share bathroom time...you realize that the last 18 years taught you how to be someone's best friend. i treasure my brother. living with him taught me a lot - like how to run really fast and dodge pinecones flying at your face - and how to love.


but most importantly, i'm a Christian.

and i love being a Christian and know that i am so blessed that i was sealed at a young age. i know that without Jesus, i would have wrecked so much. let's face it, with him i wrecked so much. i can't imagine what my life would have been like if i didn't have the holy spirit nudging me, then finally yelling at me, to pick up the pieces during certain times in my life.

so that leads me to my point. i love all of the things i am. but all of them are nothing if i'm not centered in Christ. truly. they're nothing and worthless. if i'm a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a whatever, and my focus isn't on Christ - then i'm no good to any of them. and certainly, i'm no good to the kingdom.

God tells us that our riches aren't here -that earth isn't where we should store them (save them, desire them). eternity is where our hearts are focused. whether we realize it and or conscious of it or not, our longing isn't for this life. that's why it's so conflicting, at times, to be here. that's why it hurts when you feel left out, overwhelmed, over worked, disappointed, etc. we weren't meant to spend forever in these emotions - we were created for perfection and righteousness in heaven. oh hallelujah to that. hallelujah that when we're saved, we sit at the right hand with Jesus, already sitting in perfection with the king, but only waiting for our day of arrival to enjoy his presence. hallelujah, right?

so then the question remains, what am i here? that's what mom and i talked about? without my house, my baby, my husband, my dogs, our income - what are we? where does my identity rest? could i survive without them? do i live for them? God tells us that in order to come to him fully, we must put to death the old life and we must hate our parents - not like, 'oh you stink. you wretched 'ole mama and daddy.' no. he means that we must love him more than we love anyone else on this earth. because in Him is peace, purity, prosperity, wisdom and wealth. God blesses us with financial riches, not so that we'll build a bigger house and buy fancier things, but so that we'll use the money HE has blessed us with to further his kingdom. to spread his word. to somehow make better the world we live in. a fallen world. and the perk - we get nicer things because he's blessed us. not because we deserved them.

i am undeserving, but i am blessed. i am a sinner, but i am saved by grace. i stumble all of the time and get caught up in the identity of all of those roles that compromise me - but the one that matters most, that will last for eternity, is the one role that was given to me at a price i can't even comprehend. i can only be thankful for. and i can try hard to use the gifts God has given me, the grace that only the holy spirit can muster out of me and the love that Jesus has shown me to somehow be a reflection of God so that in all of those roles i will be the walking face of the savior.

so that when people talk about me, they'll refer to me as that christian woman, ashley dengler...not jack leg, joe schmo or dwight.

Matthew 6 19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

1Peter2 11Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 12Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Ecclesiastes 5 10 Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless.

Luke 9 23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? 26If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. 27I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."