hello week. goodbye.

so let me tell you about my week.

monday i went to the dentist, anxiously, to have a cavity filled. a minor thing, right? i thought so, too. but i was still anxious because i've had trouble with my jaw, in the past, and i was scared that holding it open for the cavity would bring back the TMJ pain. but i was assured that it would be a quick procedure - from first needle to last fill, it was to take twenty minutes. and it did. it took no time at all.

but five hours later, and after having called the dentist to see what the problem was, my entire left side of my face was still 100% numb. they assured us that the numbing would subside and life would return normal. so i ate a milkshake for dinner and went to sleep. though the weird thing wasn't so much the numbing sensation as was the pain my jaw. it was a heavy feeling.

and the next morning, while i could feel my face again, i could barely open my jaw. todd and i both attributed it to the holding of the jaw open. but then the next day when my jaw was worse, we wondered what was going on. and by wednesday night, i could open my mouth wide enough to maybe fit a slice of bacon in it. i was miserable and the pain seemed intolerable. or so i thought. because on thursday, the pain increased with a fierce kind of sting. i had pain shooting into my ear and behind my eye. by this time, both todd and i had been on the phone several times with todd's dad (a retired dentist) and our dentist. todd's dad was really concerned and kept giving us ideas to help with the pain. and while that was kind, all of our real concerns were why? why was this pain even occuring? i just had a stinking cavity filled! after four days of screaming pain - and i'm not kidding, nor exaggerating - the pain began to subside. and the doctor determined/guessed that he more than likely hit a tendon and/or muscle when giving me the novocaine - and the pain was a result of that tendon/muscle freaking out while trying to heal.

and i. i haven't been so pleasant to live with.

i've realized that i feel really sorry for myself when i don't feel well. and i want someone else to feel sorry for me, too. but it doesn't always work that way. especially when you're on mommy patrol 24hours a day. there's no day off. no sick day to call in and rest. there's no one to fix you soup or run to mcdonald's and bring you a milkshake when the thought of getting in the car and driving just wears you out. and so, you tough it out.

but in the midst of toughing and keeping a smile on your face for your one year old, your patience runs thin to anyone else around you.

and so as the jaw pain subsides, i realize i have more ailments. i have a cainker sore under my tongue where the doctor nicked me a small bit. but the problem here is that it hurts to talk. and eat. and swallow. and brush my teeth. mouth pain really really stinks.

and then. and then i get this cold. this stinking cold. i cough non-stop and the burn in my chest frustrates me. and i'm nearly done with my box of tissues. and i just downed some chicken, rice and stars. doesn't chicken broth cure colds? i'm hoping so because me and cold medicines don't mix. they make me feel like i've taken some weird form of alcohol on crack. it's a crazy loopy feeling. so i always forego the cold meds and suffer through the colds.

but again, i'm a grump. and i find myself wavering and teetering between happy, peaceful and nearly biting the head off of the man who calls himself husband. though, at this point, he may not want to call himself that. but maybe he's happy since he's excused himself and gone to check the surf. and i, i'm here with my snotty tissues, my laptop (now completely covered in cold germs - which i'll disinfect later), some sunday afternoon movie, a sleeping baby and hopefully a little peace before we run much needed errands.

and oh, did i mention that i'm accompanied by a total grumpo mood?

and so as we sat in church, hours ago, i felt it again. the wavering. teetering. to and fro of emotions. and i repented.

and i keep repenting.

and i keep reminding myself that there's no guilt associated with my behavior through repentance, but there is responsibility to my behavior even though i feel like i've been dished the biggest plate of poo this week. and so i think about the book i'm reading and i remember how the author quoted Paul in the book of Philippians. and i'm feeling the guilt start to push out.

as Paul is finishing his letter to the church of Philipi, he says this:
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³I thank my God every time I remember you. ⁴In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy ⁵because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

and i'm reassured that God means something specific in his words through Paul. he's trying to build up the people in the church to remember that we are precious. we are formable, usable and not yet complete. wheew. because if i were, what a mess of a creation i am!

but i'm not complete. God says that when i accepted Christ as Savior, he began something awesome in me. he's using me for his purposes and forming me daily, as i surrender, to become more of Christ and less of me. and so i rest in that. just right there. today, that's where i'm landing. i'm reminding myself that while it isn't ok that i'm a total grump, it's not the end of the world. and the good part is that i'm realizing that it isn't ok to be a grouch all week and that it's ok to have emotions and be teetering here and there...with the realization that God is working out something beautiful in me, in spite of myself.

i know it's just pain from the neck up, but this week was a tough one, relatively speaking. trying, anyway. and i guess it took a little bit of pain for me to be reminded that it's not through my own grace, or todd's, that i grow. but through God's.

God's peace to you - and your household. may you be cold-germ free.