the view

i'm so thankful for this sweet little face. she is undoubtedly the highlight of our day. tonight she made us both laugh as her teeth are poking up and starting to show when she smiles and her babble sometimes forms words...like 'woooah' 'baaaby' 'daa daaa' 'maa maaa'. right. so they aren't words that she knows she's speaking - no association yet - but her mouth is making familiar sounds and it's so funny. and cute. we plopped my sun hat on her head the other day & she crawled around with it on for a minute. pretty cute.

last weekend i was in raleigh with todd. we stayed with his family and went to one of my best friend's wedding party - reception - thing. she (second to the right in the white) had a destination wedding with her husband. just she and him. basically a deserted island scenario...doesn't sound so bad, does it? so we made our way to her party where all of her family and friends gathered to celebrate her marriage. it was precious. maribeth is beautiful. her husband is so sweet. he is answered prayer in so many ways. he cherishes her and it's a pleasure to see them together. they make you smile.
the night was such a treat. it was a rare occurrence of old friends getting together. all of us in the picture went to college together. and i grew up with the friend on the far right - kelly. she and i became friends sometime...i think around 10 years old...ago when we started playing softball together. and from there we saw each other every softball season and summer for the next 8 years. and when college came, we were roommates our freshman year. and when i got pregnant, it wasn't long after that kelly was calling to say that she was pregnant. and when loralai was born, she celebrated with me. and when jonah was born, at first we cried. he had a hard time in his first few days. i cried so many tears in prayer for kelly and jonah. but just like the Jonah that God talks about - that little babe hung tight to life and soon enough God was spitting him out of the belly of the whale. and when he did, he spit him out with life. lots of life. Jonah is precious. and what a sweet day it was when they went home with him.
getting to be with friends is always a reminder of love. it's a reminder that being present is important. i find myself wanting to soak up the conversation, to take in all of the laughs and to just sit back and enjoy the company. enjoy. in joy. to just be with them. to be present with them.
...
people used to say "you'll understand when you have kids." uggh. that used to hurt my heart so badly. i didn't want to be left out of a category capable of new love. i wasn't so much left out of it - i believe that we're all capable of love, boundless endless love that God gives to all of his followers through the unlimitless love that lives in us through the holy spirit. but i believe that i was missing something - the experience. the realness of that love. and now that i'm a mom, my love is different. and experiences are different. when i'm with loralai, there isn't a moment that i check out. i'm present, always. and sometimes i'm completely spent at the end of a day because i was trying to be conscious of every moment - never wanting to miss a second of her sweetness. but i want to be present because i adore her - i'm quite fond of this little life that's been given to us. she holds eye contact with me, keeps a serious face and then lets loose a big grin. it's that moment, a moment when i know she knows my love for her and she relaxes in it - and i can see in her eyes that she has no cares - it's that moment that makes me feel so alive. and as much as my heart is full with her, it's because of the new love i have for her that's given me a new understanding of God's love for me.
as much as the Father is God, so is Jesus and the Holy Spirit. and when Jesus died on the cross, he was dying for his children - because he is God. because we are God's creation - his children. his loves. and i understood the largeness of that sacrifice but i don't think i could comprehend the love that was that sacrifice. until we had loralai. and even now, my understanding is probably so small. but now when i think of loralai, there isn't an ounce of me that wouldn't ask God to take me, to torture me, to allow me to take on all of the pain in the world so that Loralai might be spared - or might be given grace. i would do it. i don't even have to question that decision. and i don't believe that that kind of love is natural - i believe that kind of love is love that only God gives...that only he can explain. and it was only when i became a mother - a parent - that i started to see God's perspective - a little bit - maybe just a tiny bit, even - and i started to see how real it is that he is ever-present and never ending. that in me, through my acceptance of Jesus's sacrifice, there will never be a moment that i am never loved or adored or protected. there will never be a moment that my Father won't be with me - he is ever present. his spirit is always urging me, talking to me, loving me, nurturing my heart, nudging me towards new decisions, guiding me and interceding when i've lost the words to pray.
i'm sure this is all swirly and probably not weaving together as i thought it might. but my point in all of this is to say that the gift of parenthood is far greater than i ever imagined it could have been. it's given me a perspective of love that is painfully beautiful. and now, when i'm in the presence of friends i look at them as babies - as God's babies. and i'm in awe. i see their sweet smiles, the beautiful color of their eyes, like maribeth's green eyes; the dimples in their cheeks or the special one up on the cheek bone of kelly's face, or the curly hair, or the near perfect skin like jordan's, or the adoring sense of humor and brown eyes that remind me of my baby's, like kate's; and i want to be present with them. i want to be still and loud and laugh and silent and listen and cry and clap - i want to just praise God, in the midst of their presence, at what a treasure it is to be able to delight in his babies...and what beautiful children he has created. each of them. each of us. his creation. i'm so thankful for friendship - for the babies that grow to be children and then women that i can call friends and that God first created, simply. simply for his pleasure. his joy.
aaah. love.
congratulations to my sister, God's sweet girl, my best friend - maribeth. life just got a little sweeter when you married your nick.

a new love

.us.

a little piece of heaven and us.

i don't know where to begin this other than in a place of thanks. my heart is so full right now. i've read several blogs - that i'll have to blog about later to explain - that have directed my mind back to a place where it needed to be.

i look at these two pictures and i am so humbled. i want my life to be a reflection of God, so much. i want so badly to hold loralai and for her to know that pure love of our savior. i want her to be in the presence of Jesus whenever she's in the presence of me - which is a lot. i feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her. if you've never spent 8-10 hours of your day caring for a baby, then you've probably never forgotten to feed yourself because you were too busy feeding someoen else, or you've probably never had to hold your pee for longer than an hour because you kept putting off going to the bathroom because your baby was in the middle of showing you how she was working crawling and Lord knows you didn't want to miss a second of this amazing moment for the sake of pee, or you've probably never had the pleasure of pureed sweet potatos and green beans sneezed all over your face and the sneaky little smile that covered your babies face afterwards, or you've probably never felt so completely exhausted at the end of a day where you compare your efforts to a marathon runner, or you've probably never seen the excitement on your baby's face when she sees her daddy coming home and you realize that the look of excitement means two things: 1.she adores her daddy and 2.she actually recognizes his face, or you've probably never been faced with having to place your purpose in the arms of Jesus because for once in your life you don't work and the title of stay-at-home-mom, while amazing and big, will one day fade away and you realize now - while staying at home - that if you don't get your identity set in Jesus now, you never will. (wow that was a huge run-on sentence)

what i'm saying is that in my life, now more than ever, i need Jesus. and i think maybe i don't "need" Jesus more than i did before but i actually realize the need for Jesus in my life more than ever. does that make sense? i realize that my every move is watched - and recognized. but not just by Loralai. it's recognized by Todd, too.

so we got married. oh that was great. that day was so special. so precious. but after the wedding came life. and then we got pregnant in our first year of marriage. and then we had our sweet Loralai. and that day nearly topped our wedding day. but after her birth day came life. again. and when you have to live, i mean really live, you learn that life has to be lived every day. and each day can be different. and when you have a baby, life changes. at first we handled the change really well. but with sleepless nights and inexperience in figuring things out together, we fought. and sometimes the fights were pretty ugly.

but i have new eyes. todd and i have gone head to head lately and had some really good heart-to-hearts. and really it all comes down to a few things. one-we vowed to love each other and honor God in that promise, forever. two-we want loralai to be raised in a family that is healthy and that functions according to the ways of our God and not our world. and three-love never fails. it never gives up. so neither will we.

for a while i haven't seen the todd that i married. visually. when i look at him, he takes on different looks. how do i explain this? have you ever thought someone was handsome or pretty simply because of the confidence they have? or thought someone was ugly because you didn't like their attitude? ok, now you're with me. well that's how it's been. and it's not that todd is ugly. it's that my eyes weren't seeing. my eyes were seeing what i thought was todd. i've found it hard to make decisions and feel good about them - regarding Loralai. and mainly because i've been questioned and somewhat belittled for how i'm handling things. which, by the way, aren't bad - as i'm learning. they just might be different. i guess i'm a schedule freak. i knew i was like this work - i'm a creature of habit. and so, i created habits with loralai. i did it for her sanity and mine. so we have schedules. sleep schedules. and i honor them. she gets up, she eats, she plays, she naps at 9. we do that all over again and she naps again around 1 or 2. and then she goes to bed at 6:30. my heart has been so bruised by comments people have made about our decision to respect Loralai's sleep. and i started questioning myself and then i found myself super sensitive whenever Todd would suggest something...oh it's complicated. but in any case, my eyes are open now. and this is what i know: todd and i were the ones charged with raising our baby and so the only opinions that matter on raising our baby are todd's and God's.

but for a while i felt like it was just my opinion - i think because i was so much on the defense by what other people kept saying to me that i felt like a lone wolf. but i'm not a lone wolf. i'm a married wolf? ha. that's what my husband might say on days when i haven't slept well. i growl. i don't bite. ;) but i'm just thankful.

i've been praying so much lately. and i've had friends praying with me. i've been praying for new eyes. to be able to love my husband how God wants me to love him. to see todd with God's eyes. to be in love with him all over again. to let Todd lead. to trust Todd. to trust that God gave me Todd for good reasons; not for an eternity of misery. (todd is not miserable. let me just clarify. i say that "eternity of misery" because that's what satan plants in the hearts of wives so that marriages will dissolve.). i know that todd loves me. but i know that more than his love is the love that God has for me. and i know that God's intentions for my life aren't to live in doubt or regret but to live in freedom and peace and security.

and this weekend was a good reminder of that. i finally saw todd again. i mean really saw him. and when i looked in his eyes it was like looking into the eyes of my wedding todd, my labor partner todd - my best friend. my sweet and precious husband todd. my loralai's daddy todd. my forever todd.

God thank you for going before me and leading my way to Todd. and thank you for the renewing of my eyes so that after months of change i can see clearly again and i can love more fully. thank you for helping me to persevere when i felt attacked and for giving me your spirit so that i was always walking with you. so that i was never without you and was always fully equipped to love because of you, in spite of myself.

this world might be one Hell of a mess, but by God's grace i am humbly and incredibly blessed.

update on the food and the day.

.the food.
ok, based on making my own food rather than buying Gerber food, I have figured out the following savings. also, i have to note something very obvious: taste. i taste all of the babyfood that i give loralai. and i've bought gerber food before i started making my own. it doesn't taste normal. it tastes canned, over cooked and pastey. and all of the veggies are dull in color. that tells me that no matter what the label on the back of the jar says, those packaged foods don't have near the amount of nutrients and vitamins that homemade steamed babyfood does.

5 ounces of Gerber baby food (two containers) costs $1.00.

3 sweet potatos costs $1.90 (rounding up to $2.00 to make difference easier) and made 21 ounces of baby food. Savings: $2.00+

1 butternut squash costs $1.58 (rounded down to $1.50 to make difference easier) and made 20 ounces of baby food. Savings: $2.50

1 sixteen ounce bag frozen green beans costs 96cent (rounded up to $1.00) and made 11 ounces of baby food. Savings: $1.00+

1 jar 25ounce unsweetened apple sauce costs 96cents (rounded up to $1.00). Savings: $4.00

Total savings based on Gerber pricing: $9.50

[that may not sound like a lot, but when you consider that i could be saving close to $20-30/month by making my own food - that adds up. hey, that money could be used for gas, for groceries, for date night, for dog food...0r, for processed babyfood.]

.........
.the day.
in my previous post, i told you that my friend (rachel) came over today with her little 9mo old, faith. so here are a few pictures from their visit. i think faith is just incredibly adorable.

and then todd came home from work early today. that was nice. the end of the day is always the hardest part of the day - trying to figure out what to make for dinner, getting dinner somewhat cooked or ready so that i can cook it right before or after the baby goes to bed, getting things picked up from the day's happenings, feeding bathing and playing with a baby who is pooped from the day and sorta cranky/wanting to be held. so it was nice to have an extra set of hands who could hold little loralai - and play with her - and sing to her - and let her reach out and touch doggy faces.

this bumpy alligator feels soooo good on my my gums.

oh please can i touch the inside of maddie's nose holes? plllleeeaaase.

just doin' a little thinkin'. hmm.ALSO - please continue to comment on the post asking for frugal advice. i want to post a list of everyone's money saving or resourceful ideas. thanks :)

ascorbic acid, my toosh.

i had a surprise visitor today - rachel. she's my friend that i met at work - we were big (well, i was big. she was just beautifully pregnant.) and pregnant together. she had an errand to run on my side of town and so she stopped by on her way. she brought her sweet baby (nearly 9month old - jeez louise, where does the time go?) girl, faith, with her. [if/when i get permission to post pictures of faith, i will. you will just melt at the beauty of this little girl. she was born with THE thickest head of jet black hair that compliment her beautiful blue/green/gray eyes. oh she's precious.] so anyway, we're both extremely frugal women. it's something we laugh about and pride ourselves about. we were talking about making our babyfood and about poops and teeth and teething and drooling. mommy conversation is the best, isn't it? and she was telling me that she makes ALL of her babyfood. i thought i did, too. but i don't. i don't do fruit b/c i read that you can't make fruit babyfood b/c it won't keep. right. it won't. it won't keep for a long time. but for a short time it will. like, say, 4 days. so off to the grocery i go. well, when loralai wakes from her nap. and we'll get some fruit. pears, to be exact. for some reason we have a million apples - i over bought and forgot. so go to www.cuisinart.com and click on recipes and then baby and then whatever stage your youngin's at. it is glorious. steam veggies and fruit and blend blend blend away. what an awesome way to save money, fill the bellies with nutrious food and stock the freezer.

so - what are your frugal tips? do you recycle, do you buy food on major sale (if so, where and when?), do you cook on sunday for the whole week? what are your tips? let's all share - and then i'll post. i think together we could make a lot of sense out of the rising prices. thanks :)