the view

i'm so thankful for this sweet little face. she is undoubtedly the highlight of our day. tonight she made us both laugh as her teeth are poking up and starting to show when she smiles and her babble sometimes forms words...like 'woooah' 'baaaby' 'daa daaa' 'maa maaa'. right. so they aren't words that she knows she's speaking - no association yet - but her mouth is making familiar sounds and it's so funny. and cute. we plopped my sun hat on her head the other day & she crawled around with it on for a minute. pretty cute.

last weekend i was in raleigh with todd. we stayed with his family and went to one of my best friend's wedding party - reception - thing. she (second to the right in the white) had a destination wedding with her husband. just she and him. basically a deserted island scenario...doesn't sound so bad, does it? so we made our way to her party where all of her family and friends gathered to celebrate her marriage. it was precious. maribeth is beautiful. her husband is so sweet. he is answered prayer in so many ways. he cherishes her and it's a pleasure to see them together. they make you smile.
the night was such a treat. it was a rare occurrence of old friends getting together. all of us in the picture went to college together. and i grew up with the friend on the far right - kelly. she and i became friends sometime...i think around 10 years old...ago when we started playing softball together. and from there we saw each other every softball season and summer for the next 8 years. and when college came, we were roommates our freshman year. and when i got pregnant, it wasn't long after that kelly was calling to say that she was pregnant. and when loralai was born, she celebrated with me. and when jonah was born, at first we cried. he had a hard time in his first few days. i cried so many tears in prayer for kelly and jonah. but just like the Jonah that God talks about - that little babe hung tight to life and soon enough God was spitting him out of the belly of the whale. and when he did, he spit him out with life. lots of life. Jonah is precious. and what a sweet day it was when they went home with him.
getting to be with friends is always a reminder of love. it's a reminder that being present is important. i find myself wanting to soak up the conversation, to take in all of the laughs and to just sit back and enjoy the company. enjoy. in joy. to just be with them. to be present with them.
...
people used to say "you'll understand when you have kids." uggh. that used to hurt my heart so badly. i didn't want to be left out of a category capable of new love. i wasn't so much left out of it - i believe that we're all capable of love, boundless endless love that God gives to all of his followers through the unlimitless love that lives in us through the holy spirit. but i believe that i was missing something - the experience. the realness of that love. and now that i'm a mom, my love is different. and experiences are different. when i'm with loralai, there isn't a moment that i check out. i'm present, always. and sometimes i'm completely spent at the end of a day because i was trying to be conscious of every moment - never wanting to miss a second of her sweetness. but i want to be present because i adore her - i'm quite fond of this little life that's been given to us. she holds eye contact with me, keeps a serious face and then lets loose a big grin. it's that moment, a moment when i know she knows my love for her and she relaxes in it - and i can see in her eyes that she has no cares - it's that moment that makes me feel so alive. and as much as my heart is full with her, it's because of the new love i have for her that's given me a new understanding of God's love for me.
as much as the Father is God, so is Jesus and the Holy Spirit. and when Jesus died on the cross, he was dying for his children - because he is God. because we are God's creation - his children. his loves. and i understood the largeness of that sacrifice but i don't think i could comprehend the love that was that sacrifice. until we had loralai. and even now, my understanding is probably so small. but now when i think of loralai, there isn't an ounce of me that wouldn't ask God to take me, to torture me, to allow me to take on all of the pain in the world so that Loralai might be spared - or might be given grace. i would do it. i don't even have to question that decision. and i don't believe that that kind of love is natural - i believe that kind of love is love that only God gives...that only he can explain. and it was only when i became a mother - a parent - that i started to see God's perspective - a little bit - maybe just a tiny bit, even - and i started to see how real it is that he is ever-present and never ending. that in me, through my acceptance of Jesus's sacrifice, there will never be a moment that i am never loved or adored or protected. there will never be a moment that my Father won't be with me - he is ever present. his spirit is always urging me, talking to me, loving me, nurturing my heart, nudging me towards new decisions, guiding me and interceding when i've lost the words to pray.
i'm sure this is all swirly and probably not weaving together as i thought it might. but my point in all of this is to say that the gift of parenthood is far greater than i ever imagined it could have been. it's given me a perspective of love that is painfully beautiful. and now, when i'm in the presence of friends i look at them as babies - as God's babies. and i'm in awe. i see their sweet smiles, the beautiful color of their eyes, like maribeth's green eyes; the dimples in their cheeks or the special one up on the cheek bone of kelly's face, or the curly hair, or the near perfect skin like jordan's, or the adoring sense of humor and brown eyes that remind me of my baby's, like kate's; and i want to be present with them. i want to be still and loud and laugh and silent and listen and cry and clap - i want to just praise God, in the midst of their presence, at what a treasure it is to be able to delight in his babies...and what beautiful children he has created. each of them. each of us. his creation. i'm so thankful for friendship - for the babies that grow to be children and then women that i can call friends and that God first created, simply. simply for his pleasure. his joy.
aaah. love.
congratulations to my sister, God's sweet girl, my best friend - maribeth. life just got a little sweeter when you married your nick.