a new love

.us.

a little piece of heaven and us.

i don't know where to begin this other than in a place of thanks. my heart is so full right now. i've read several blogs - that i'll have to blog about later to explain - that have directed my mind back to a place where it needed to be.

i look at these two pictures and i am so humbled. i want my life to be a reflection of God, so much. i want so badly to hold loralai and for her to know that pure love of our savior. i want her to be in the presence of Jesus whenever she's in the presence of me - which is a lot. i feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her. if you've never spent 8-10 hours of your day caring for a baby, then you've probably never forgotten to feed yourself because you were too busy feeding someoen else, or you've probably never had to hold your pee for longer than an hour because you kept putting off going to the bathroom because your baby was in the middle of showing you how she was working crawling and Lord knows you didn't want to miss a second of this amazing moment for the sake of pee, or you've probably never had the pleasure of pureed sweet potatos and green beans sneezed all over your face and the sneaky little smile that covered your babies face afterwards, or you've probably never felt so completely exhausted at the end of a day where you compare your efforts to a marathon runner, or you've probably never seen the excitement on your baby's face when she sees her daddy coming home and you realize that the look of excitement means two things: 1.she adores her daddy and 2.she actually recognizes his face, or you've probably never been faced with having to place your purpose in the arms of Jesus because for once in your life you don't work and the title of stay-at-home-mom, while amazing and big, will one day fade away and you realize now - while staying at home - that if you don't get your identity set in Jesus now, you never will. (wow that was a huge run-on sentence)

what i'm saying is that in my life, now more than ever, i need Jesus. and i think maybe i don't "need" Jesus more than i did before but i actually realize the need for Jesus in my life more than ever. does that make sense? i realize that my every move is watched - and recognized. but not just by Loralai. it's recognized by Todd, too.

so we got married. oh that was great. that day was so special. so precious. but after the wedding came life. and then we got pregnant in our first year of marriage. and then we had our sweet Loralai. and that day nearly topped our wedding day. but after her birth day came life. again. and when you have to live, i mean really live, you learn that life has to be lived every day. and each day can be different. and when you have a baby, life changes. at first we handled the change really well. but with sleepless nights and inexperience in figuring things out together, we fought. and sometimes the fights were pretty ugly.

but i have new eyes. todd and i have gone head to head lately and had some really good heart-to-hearts. and really it all comes down to a few things. one-we vowed to love each other and honor God in that promise, forever. two-we want loralai to be raised in a family that is healthy and that functions according to the ways of our God and not our world. and three-love never fails. it never gives up. so neither will we.

for a while i haven't seen the todd that i married. visually. when i look at him, he takes on different looks. how do i explain this? have you ever thought someone was handsome or pretty simply because of the confidence they have? or thought someone was ugly because you didn't like their attitude? ok, now you're with me. well that's how it's been. and it's not that todd is ugly. it's that my eyes weren't seeing. my eyes were seeing what i thought was todd. i've found it hard to make decisions and feel good about them - regarding Loralai. and mainly because i've been questioned and somewhat belittled for how i'm handling things. which, by the way, aren't bad - as i'm learning. they just might be different. i guess i'm a schedule freak. i knew i was like this work - i'm a creature of habit. and so, i created habits with loralai. i did it for her sanity and mine. so we have schedules. sleep schedules. and i honor them. she gets up, she eats, she plays, she naps at 9. we do that all over again and she naps again around 1 or 2. and then she goes to bed at 6:30. my heart has been so bruised by comments people have made about our decision to respect Loralai's sleep. and i started questioning myself and then i found myself super sensitive whenever Todd would suggest something...oh it's complicated. but in any case, my eyes are open now. and this is what i know: todd and i were the ones charged with raising our baby and so the only opinions that matter on raising our baby are todd's and God's.

but for a while i felt like it was just my opinion - i think because i was so much on the defense by what other people kept saying to me that i felt like a lone wolf. but i'm not a lone wolf. i'm a married wolf? ha. that's what my husband might say on days when i haven't slept well. i growl. i don't bite. ;) but i'm just thankful.

i've been praying so much lately. and i've had friends praying with me. i've been praying for new eyes. to be able to love my husband how God wants me to love him. to see todd with God's eyes. to be in love with him all over again. to let Todd lead. to trust Todd. to trust that God gave me Todd for good reasons; not for an eternity of misery. (todd is not miserable. let me just clarify. i say that "eternity of misery" because that's what satan plants in the hearts of wives so that marriages will dissolve.). i know that todd loves me. but i know that more than his love is the love that God has for me. and i know that God's intentions for my life aren't to live in doubt or regret but to live in freedom and peace and security.

and this weekend was a good reminder of that. i finally saw todd again. i mean really saw him. and when i looked in his eyes it was like looking into the eyes of my wedding todd, my labor partner todd - my best friend. my sweet and precious husband todd. my loralai's daddy todd. my forever todd.

God thank you for going before me and leading my way to Todd. and thank you for the renewing of my eyes so that after months of change i can see clearly again and i can love more fully. thank you for helping me to persevere when i felt attacked and for giving me your spirit so that i was always walking with you. so that i was never without you and was always fully equipped to love because of you, in spite of myself.

this world might be one Hell of a mess, but by God's grace i am humbly and incredibly blessed.