yesterday was awesome.
today is awesome, too.
but yesterday was one of those days that i won't forget.
i was gathered in a circle with about 10 of the sweetest, most beautiful women i know. it's what we call "mom's group." it's a group of women who are moms, who love Jesus, and get together once a week to seek His presence, to grow in His will...and to share all things motherhood.
yesterday one of the women testified about a deep revelation that she received from the Lord about her body image. the way the Father came in and redeemed broken places - and opened her eyes to her real beauty - was breathtaking.
from her revelation, the revelation that was only meant for her, the rest of our hearts were changed. and it moved us from a platform of talking about schooling, and discipline, to our body image.
at one point i remember saying something to the affect of: i wish that we could have a runway show where real moms could show what a real post-baby body looks like. or that we could just show each other our deepest scars from pregnancy and get past feeling ugly.
if you're a mom and you're reading this, it's likely that you have some sort of post-pregnancy body change. not all bodies are the same. and some of us never look like we had babies to begin with. but for some of us, our bodies will never look the same.
my body didn't process glucose properly (more on that later), and so when i got pregnant (both times) i got pregnant from nose to toes.
i remember a family member calling me fat.
FAT.
i was newly pregnant with my firstborn and gaining weight quickly, even without a big change in my diet. a combination of hormones rapidly changing and glucose intolerance, and you have a great combination for weight gain.
and what do you say? "I'M NOT FAT! i'm trying. i'm eating salads and boiled eggs, for God's sake!"
no. you say nothing.
and you shrink away...feeling ugly and fat.
oh my broken heart.
i remember how terribly ugly and fat i felt in my first pregnancy in front of my husband. i wished someone could feel what was happening in my body - the glory and the struggle.
the Lord taught me so much through that pregnancy. He taught me courage and confidence and He also taught me how to guard my heart.
so when we were gathered in that circle yesterday, i heard the heart cries of my friends and it made my heart overwhelm with love for them. but it also made me feel a righteous anger.
how DARE anyone, or any affliction, make any woman feel anything less than incredible.
it was from Mary's womb that Jesus slipped through into the natural world and brought real Life.
mothers are born to be warriors and lovers - just likes Jesus.
so as the conversations mingled and giggles rose, and tears flowed, the first brave friend raised her shirt and said, "see? look!" and she showed what she thought was unpleasant: a softer fuller belly and stretch marks. and then i raised my dress and said, "see? look! it looks like a cat scratched my belly." it does. my belly button isn't quite a belly button anymore and my stomach is riddled with stretch marks.
and then we asked our sweet pregnant friend if she would show us her legs that she was ashamed of. and ever so slowly, she raised her sun dress to show us her legs that are afflicted with painful varicose veins.
and we laughed and cried some more. because really, none of it is ugly.
not my stretch marks, or my friend's, or even the veins. is it ok that our bodies were marked or marred or in pain while pregnant? no. is it ok that our boobs lost shape or size or bare stretch marks, too? no. not really.
but we do. we have physical markers that show that we had babies.
but you know what? SO WHAT!
as we talked through it all yesterday. i realized that it wasn't as much that we have problems with our bodies, but that the enemy has so distracted us from what is lovely and pure and beautiful, that our eyes are deceived into thinking that the only thing that is beautiful is age 15-18.
oh, what a lie.
what a big FAT lie.
so do you know what?
i'm going out on the boat tomorrow with my husband and children. and this woman who weighs the same thing she did before she had babies, but who looks different, is wearing a bikini. and a fun green hat. and sunscreen, of course.
and i will feel beautiful and i will BE beautiful.
i will have my husband's gaze upon me and i will have two little girls jumping on me and smearing sand and sunscreen all over me. and i will pull down bathing suit bottoms to get sand out of the crotch for the big girl, and rip off a swim diaper to change a poop for the little. and i will blow up inner tubes and build sand castles...
and i will feel beautiful.
because My Redeemer calls me lovely.
and i will eat my lunch and feed my little girls and watch my husband fiddle with the boat anchor...
and i will feel beautiful.
because My Redeemer calls me worthy.
and i will reapply sunscreen to my little girls' noses, and the tops of their feet, and i will hand out more snacks and pick up sand-covered cookies, and we will bury each other's feet...
and i will feel beautiful.
because My Redeemer calls me His daughter.
and i will remind myself that i would lay down my life for my children, in a flash. oh Lord, without a thought.
and i will feel beautiful.
because My Redeemer did that for me.
He didn't promise me that my body would be without stretch marks, but He did see me as the one He chose to carry two little girls that He knew I would raise to be lovers and warriors for His Kingdom.
and so i will stand with my sisters, my friends, and i will fight for our identities. and i will lift my shirt one hundred and one times if it will bring freedom to the ones whose hearts are held captive to the lie that their bodies aren't beautiful anymore.
because THAT.
THAT is a big FAT lie.
oh bless you mothers of children who you've born into life and some of you who have born them to be received immediately by the Savior. i pray a deep blessing on your lives. i pray that when you look in the mirror that you would not scrutinize your body, but you would give thanks to the Lord for making you strong and hardy. that you would remember that He made you courageous - persevering - determined - creative - spontaneous - life-giving - nurturing - tender - soft - and beautiful. for you were made in the very image of Him. how could you be anything LESS than beautiful? seal it upon our hearts, Jesus, that we are so sweetly the fragrance of You.
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