the setting of a fire

I do at least one load of laundry a day.

I fold it and sigh.
Because now I have to put it away.

I run the dishwasher at least once a day.
I love when the kitchen is clean.
But sometimes the dishes sit.

The dogs need to go out.

And then they need to come back in.

And then the floor needs to be wiped down where they brought muddy paws in.

And then the kids are hungry.

And so I cook.

I make most food from scratch since we started eating gluten-free in April of 2012.
I love how much healthier our how family is.

But cooking from scratch means that I prepare 3 meals and at least 2-3 snacks a day, 7 days a week.
You do the math.

On average, I am in the kitchen (cooking) about 1-2 hours per day.

That makes a lot of dishes.

And then there's the crumbs on the floor and the spills on the shirts and the diapers that need wiping and the fridge that needs cleaning out (because something has SERIOUSLY gone wrong in there with the stink that it's projecting) and the clothes that need putting away and the dogs that need to go out, again...

I'm a stay-at-home mom.

And I don't make money.

And I have a garden.

And I have two hungry children and two hungry dogs.

And a husband who works a full day and then comes home and eats.

And some days I wear makeup, and some days I don't.

Shoot. Some days I don't even wear a bra.

And some days I feel like I'm living a groundhog day life.

And I'm not whining - I'm not ungrateful or wishing this job/life would stop - I'm just saying...some days, the life of a stay-at-home mom is, well, seemingly uninteresting.

Except on days that it isn't.

I never thought I would stay at home with my children, full-time. But now that I do, I can't imagine not.  Molding these little hearts has been the most rewarding things I have ever done. I know, without a doubt, that the spunky fire in my 2 year old would have been used for evil and not good had I not been the one to direct her to using her spicy attitude in the right ways. My husband concurs. That second-born has sass.

I'm a second-born, too.

And I'd like to think that I have spunk. Maybe even a spark.

I heard this song last week - and watched an interview with the artist. While I closely identify with what Steven Curtis Chapman sings in his song, Do Everything. I even more closely identify with Alicia Keys in Girl on Fire.

My parents never - and I do mean NEVER - badgered me to make good grades. They expected me to study and try my hardest. But they never shamed me for making below a B. For whatever reason - purposefully or not - their hearts never intended on making me identify with the things that I did. Instead, they always fanned the flame in me that was ME. My dad used to tell me that I was spunky and while I was outspoken, he would remind me that no one could or would tear me down because my confidence was strong. He always complimented my beauty and told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He told me that singing with me was like singing with the Dixie Chicks - that I was fun to listen to and be with. My mom always told me that I was wise beyond my years. She told me that as long as I tried my hardest, that I should be proud of whatever it was that came from my hardest. And that honesty was all she asked of me.

If you know me, or have followed this blog, you know that my home-life growing up wasn't easy. But the love that was good - was SO good. My parents sparked a fire in me when I was little. They pulled out of me the very things that God planted. Spunk - sass - determination - strong-will - a voice.

And even though I'm the house cook, and most days the maid, I know that this gig isn't just who I am.

I am a voice for the Nations.
I am a voice for God.
I am a picture of healing.
My marriage is a testimony of grace and forgiveness.
My love for my dad is proof of Jesus.
My identity in Christ isn't shaken and my love for Him is deep.

And I'm like you.

I have every reason to give up. I have every reason to identify with what I do every day - for that to become me.

Or I can close my eyes and remember.

I can remember and even recall the first times that I stood up for injustice, or the first time I felt something fierce burning inside of me, a righteous anger; or the first time I sang with all my heart, or the first time I spoke with confidence knowing that it didn't matter what they thought of me but that if just one person received what I said, all of the snickering would be worth it.

Those memories are when I was just a little girl.

The dishes and dogs and laundry and shopping...some days those things seem to tell me that my voice is gone.

And other days, when my girls are singing along with Alicia Keys...

I know that the fire is still roaring.

And even though it was just over coffee in my living room, or at the park, or on the phone, or the coffee shop...all of the snickering in the world is worth it if I was able to set even a spark of a fire inside you.

God didn't make women to be weak.
He certainly didn't make me weak.

Ask around.

This girl is on fire. 

Go ahead, snicker.

I am SO ok with that.


[enjoy a listen to Alicia Keys' song with the link, in red, above]

sticky, ugly, dull, quiet, loud, messy. worthwhile.

i have a friend that i met when i was 14.

we were freshmen in high school.
he was best friends with a boy i had a crush on, who became my boyfriend (for like 4 months - isn't that just "so" high school?).
and then my friend became my crush.
and then that ended.

but what never ended was our friendship.

for all of high school, there was a group of about 10+ of us that were tight - guys and girls. we played ball together, we did weekends together, we got into trouble together, we laughed together, did 4th of july fireworks together, beach trips together...

and then we went to college.

and while space separated us all, and some of the friendships faded, some remained.

i call that a God thing.

God always goes before us. good thing, too.

so when word got back to me that my friend was caught up in drugs, in a dangerous way, i picked up the phone and called him. and after a year or more of not talking to him, i laid it out for him as though we had talked just the day before. and he received my correction and my love.

he needed for someone to tell him what he was doing wasn't worth it. that there was a better way - and that he was worth the better way.

i'd like to say that that was the end of the story and that the happy beginning started from there. but it's not.

that was 10 years ago.

and we're still friends. and time has passed in the spaces between us seeing and talking to each other. but still the Lord brings our friendship back when it is most needed.

like now.

because right now, while he may be living the repercussions of poor choices, he is still worth more.
but he doesn't believe it - yet.

but he is.

and we don't talk all the time, and i see him inconsistently, but when we do talk or meet, it's the breath of heaven.

we started out as kids together. awkward, and flirtatious, and cheering from the stands. but now, we're standing by each other as two adults who know the hearts of the other. and we're not afraid of what the world will say as we walk through the thick of it to see the other come out clean.

i know what it is to feel alone in a dark season of life. i know what it is to wear shame and to be embarrassed and to not know who to talk to for fear of their judgment or poor counsel or even because you haven't a clue who would actually be willing to walk with you through the crap that is your life.

i know.

i know what it feels like to have someone walk with you, to hear the gory details, to hold you when you cry and when the pieces come back together, they cheer. but i also know that when the pieces fell apart again, they weren't there. and that feeling. that feeling of not knowing who to turn to again...that is a lonely isolating feeling.

and it's unnecessary.

and so i listen. i listen to this man who is going on 34, and i hear my friend who is 16. i hear him crying for real and full life, but he is so beaten down by the liar and the consequences of his choices that he can't quite see what chance he has at the fullness promised to him.

and so i repeat over and over: you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. you're hilarious. you're insanely talented and bright. you were made with purpose and for great courage. you've dreamt of standing before crowds of people and speaking of God's hope and glory. the Lord has put the desires of your heart within you and wants to pull them out. LET HIM. move. go. quit sitting still and being alone. start living.

over and over.
over and over.
over and over.
over and over.

and he sits in my living room with my husband and i. and he cries.

and we hug him.
and we love him.
and we pray with him.

over and over.
over and over.
over and over.
over and over.

because he is worth it.

and not because i say so.
not even because i think so or want it to be so.

but because God says so.

my friend was created in the image of Love.
and so i will keep walking with him until he no longer needs to call me or my husband. i will push him and annoy him and encourage him and listen to him and cry with him and fight in prayer for him and correct him and demand more of him...until the chains of bondage are broken and he is living a life worth more.

and i can do that.
i can do that because i am his friend.

i didn't sign up for a comedy show - so i don't always need him to be funny.
i didn't sign up to have him affirm me - so i don't need his male affirmations.
i didn't sign up to see him kill it on the court - so i don't need him to be the star athlete.

i didn't sign up to be his friend at all.
but i am.
and despite his faults, i love him.
and my husband loves him.

you know, at my dad's funeral, there were many strangers that walked up to me to speak. several of them were women that lived in his community. and they would say things like, 'your dad would always stop by on his tractor, or on his way into town...and he would always be so drunk. but i wouldn't say anything. i never mentioned his drinking. but i would always share the love of Jesus with him.'

they were the workers in the field.

when we couldn't continue in relationship with my dad, the Lord brought unbiased, pure, grace-filled love into my dad's life.

the Lord Jesus, the friend of sinners, gave my dad a friend.

we all need to be loved.

we all need to know that we're worthy of Love.

we just have to be willing to get a little uncomfortable sometimes in the process.

[this song is our friend's heart's cry right now. he's said over and over that he's ready. he wants to be free and feel and live the fullness of the Lord. so pray for him. i would share his name but i'm certain he'd have me keep that confidential. but pray that He would be obedient to the Lord and that as quickly as he moves forward, his joy would be restored.]

Listen here

a sweaty prophecy

Can you imagine what it would feel like if someone walked up to you and spoke something to you that only you knew was true...something that just you knew was going on in your life, but somehow the other person spoke to that area of your life? What if they said something about your marriage, or where you're struggling to figure out how to raise your child, or how to increase your earnings, or how to make more of an impact in your community...

and then someone came along and had an answer, or maybe at least a partial one, for the areas of life in which you are struggling.

What if we listened to the voice of the Father and then released what He was saying so that we would bring forth encouragement and hope?

It would probably be something like what Paul was talking about in his letter in 1Cor 14:31, and throughout his letters. People would be encouraged - not by a pat on the back or false humility - but by intimate words spoken to their hearts that only the Father could know.

That's happened to me before, someone speaking into my life like that. But never on the fly. Never at a drive thru window, or at the grocery, or at preschool pickup, or at the gym. I'm waiting to be the recipient of such a sweet kiss from the Lord in that unexpected moment, but until I receive a drive-by prophecy, I'm going to become the giver of such good news.

And yesterday I had the sweet honor to give a sweaty prophecy.

I jokingly say that the YMCA, in our town, has an open heaven. You know, an area in which the realm of the heavenlies is so thin that it literally feels like heaven and earth are intertwined and to hear the heart of the Lord is easy. Maybe the Y has an open heaven. Or, maybe both of my children are in childcare and I'm less distracted.

Either way, inside those old cinder block walls, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of ministry.

For some reason yesterday just seemed more fun - maybe that's because the recipient of the news had an eager heart.

After a short run out on the track, I came inside to lift some weights. Now I normally don't go to the "boys' side" of the gym where all of the free weights are, but today I did. And while I was in there, I was so happy. I mean like annoying happy - I was smiling lifting weights and whispering praises under my breath.

My music was good and my spirit was free as the Lord had been ministering to me for the past 10 minutes or so about some burdens on my heart (it doesn't take Him long to free you up, if you'll just let Him talk). As I walked to get some weights I surveyed the room. I spied a few things going on and just asked the Lord "so what's going on with these people today? what do you want me to tell them or release?"

And I waited.

Just like I'd wait for you to talk, in order to hear you, I wait on the Lord. And as soon as I did, I knew what He wanted me to do.

I finished up my workout and headed over to this big heavy-set black man who was killing it on the chest press. (He probably could have pressed me over his chest) And so I just smiled at him and ever so nicely interrupted his set. He smiled and said hi. So I simply asked him if he was a follower of Jesus - and he said yes. He said he has always "believed" in Him but just recently received salvation. So I said, "well, I saw you lifting weights and just asked the Lord what I could do to bless you and I feel like He gave me a word for you...I feel like He said that you're like Ezekiel and that He is asking you to stand the gap in prayer for someone and He will bless what you pray."

He smiled so big. It was like a big 'ole rough guy just turned to putty in my hands. He said, "you know, since I was saved, stuff like this's been happenin' a lot to me." I laughed and told him that I believed that the Holy Spirit was after his heart and wants him to know that He wants more than just a knowledge-based relationship with him...

In a flat minute, that fella, laying inclined on his back with his hands still on the weights, unloaded a good portion of his heart's desires and burdens to me. He asked me so many questions about how to pray - and why bad things were happening in the world - and what were his "rights" to pray for things he wanted or needed when others were struggling - and the guilt he was carrying because he was doing better than some of his friends, etc. ...

And so I answered his questions and prayed for him, we exchanged names, and a few laughs, and I went along to get my children out of childcare.

That was that.

I listened. I obeyed. I relayed. And both of us were blessed.

Today I'm believing that my new friend, Rodney, has an increase of faith and a greater boldness than before.

Why? Because I prophesied about him being important in the Kingdom?

No. Because he actually realized that he IS important in the kingdom. The prophesy was just God's way of speaking into a tender place in his heart and helping him to see that the Lord is always after the hearts of His people - always looking to help us live in the fullness of His son.

So today, I pray that you would have an increase of faith. I pray that wherever there is poverty in your life, you would speak to it and tell it to leave. And that you would just delight in all that the Lord has for you. I pray that you would be released from heartache and burdens and that the joy of the Lord would well up in you so that you would realize that you are carrying the wellspring of Living Water...quiet yourself and listen for the heart of the Father.

practice listening.

we serve a supernatural God. it is only natural that He speak to you in a supernatural way.

mighty. small.

my mom.

i call her mama kay. mamers. mama jama. kay-fa-lay-fa. mom.

no matter what i call her, though, she always answers.

i went to a mother's day brunch at my oldest's preschool, this week, and all of the mommies went around and talked about their own mothers. we said our mom's names and then gave a word (or 3) to describe what we loved about our moms.

it's impossible to describe your mom in one word. moms are just so much.

but my mom...

when she tells me of my birth, she says, "and when you were born, i cried. ...i was so happy you were a little girl."

mom is little.

she's 5 feet tall. that's it. no inches taller.

when we hug, her head is on my chest. i've been known to give her piggy back rides, by force of course, just to hear her scream with fear and giddiness. it is a hilarious sight. go ahead, picture it.

mom has blue eyes, perfectly straight teeth (i inherited the no need for braces teeth from her), a fabulous smile with dimpled cheeks, brown hair (that has never ever been dyed. ehem.), a sneeze that is so loud it will wake you out of a dead sleep with your dukes raised ready to fight, and a laugh that once it gets going, you can't help but join in.

mom is just easy on the eyes.

but just like i tell my loralai when people compliment her beauty, i always remind her that her most beautiful trait is her heart.

my mom's heart must glow. i mean it.

mom is pure gold.

she's a sensitive spirit who delights in making others happy. she's a giver. God gifted her in that.

as i heard one of the mothers at the brunch talk about her mom, she spoke of her in the past tense. her mom died last year. she was the only one out of us all who has lost her mom.

i watched my mom, when i was a little girl, lose her mom to cancer. and then at 25, i watched my mom as she grieved her dad. it doesn't matter how old we are, losing a parent is horrible.

and i know. because i lost my dad. and sometimes i feel like i lost him twice.

dad was caught up in such oppression with hurts from his past and the addiction to alcohol, that there was a long season that we had to just let him go. and in that season, i remember feeling like i'd lost him all together. and then our relationship was restored right before and after i married my husband...and six months later, dad died.

and so as i heard sophia's mom describe her mother, i took a deep breath. and not because i fear losing my mom, but because i know how desperately deep i love her.

i've been called fighsty, determined, courageous, bold, big-personalitied...

and while some of the time those words weren't meant as compliments, i still smile at them all. because all of those are parts of my personality that my mom helped to fan in me.

mom recalls a time, when i was a preschooler, where i would let people walk all over me and take my toys and i wouldn't stick up for myself. i sort of snicker at that, because i've never known that girl.

my dearest childhood friend would tell you that i've had to tame the boldness, at times, but that those qualities about me are the very things that have given me charge and joy in my life.

but they come from a mom who was loving enough to call out what she knew was in me, even when it wasn't showing. she would encourage me in my drawing or painting, or singing, or softball, or friendships...

even as a grown woman, the best place in the world, to me, is sitting with my mom and talking. she knows me. she knows my heart's desires and she continues to press me so that i won't give up on them.

i used to lay on the couch with my head on my mom's lap, while we would watch tv, and she would stroke my hair.

there's something really primal in that. it's like the extension of when a mother rubs her pregnant belly. mothers always want to touch their children - comfort them - reassure them.

one of my mom's sayings that she's said over the years is "it's going to be alright... because it has to be."

she's never believed that things wouldn't be good.

and things plain sucked for a while in her world.

i don't care who you are, unless you lived on Irish Lane with us, you will never know the fullness of what went down.

so take my word or don't, but it stunk.

do you know what, though? never. not once did that sweet little woman say an unkind word to me or my brother about my dad or anyone in relationship with him. never.

i look back at that and just marvel.

she showed the deepest amount of honor for her husband, despite the circumstances. and because of that, my brother and i felt free to pursue relationship with our dad instead of feeling like we had to take sides in a battle.

my mom. Lord that woman is strong.

she may be small, but she is a mighty warrior of the Lord.

when you look at her, you'll think, "she's fun. she's cute."

but let me tell you who she is:

she is the daughter of Carl and Dorcas

she is a mother

she is a servant of the Most High God

she is a talented seamstress

she is a military brat

she is a devoted grandmother

she is a world traveler

she is a a lover of music

she is a closet singer
she is an audiologist
she's a darn good cook
she's a dog lover and makes us watch that crazy dog show on tv, directly following the Macy's day parade

she is a car-ride away in the middle of the night if life gets hairy and you need her there

she is a friend of all seasons

she is a chatty little thing
she is a hoot, i tell you

she's an email forwarder who'll fwd: emails 3 times just because she's laughing and thinks you should too

she's a gardener

she has a green thumb and won't admit it and is obsessed with making her yard "just so" and has therefore dug up plants and trees and re-planted them way too many times to count

she is a sister to a sister whom she hasn't seen in 10+ years but is awaiting her prodigal with open arms

she is a shag dancing fool

she is a mom who never required anything of me other than to tell her the truth at all times

she is a mother-n-law who loves her daughter-n-law as if she were her own

she is a crafty little woman who crochets and knits and needle points

she is an idea-woman

she is always trying a new project

she is never stale, always new, she is refreshing and honest, she is joy and peace, she is sunny days and lemonade, she is a delicious new recipe and a phone call to share and talk all about it, she is in her swimsuit and running through the sprinklers with her grand babes, she is hot tea and not coffee, she is a size 5 shoe (sometimes 6), she is a slow boat ride - not fast (or she'll vomit on you later), she's a dreamer of living on the water, she's snuggly flannel jammies in the winter, and hot chocolate for any special occasion, she's an open heaven and humble, an open book and real...

she's worthy of love.

she stands by me always.

oh mama, if you only knew how loyal you are.

she taught me that i deserve God's best and that it is never ok to bow to anything less.

she will let me experiment makeup and new hair-dos on her just so that we can be together.

she is a living well of victorious living. a testimony of God's grace, perseverance and hope.

she's small, but she's mighty.

oh yes. kay ellen packs a punch.

i am honored that God placed me in her womb.

she is so worthy of my love, because she first loved me.

i love you so, my sweet mamers.

stretch marks and saggy parts.

yesterday was awesome.

today is awesome, too.

but yesterday was one of those days that i won't forget.

i was gathered in a circle with about 10 of the sweetest, most beautiful women i know. it's what we call "mom's group." it's a group of women who are moms, who love Jesus, and get together once a week to seek His presence, to grow in His will...and to share all things motherhood.

yesterday one of the women testified about a deep revelation that she received from the Lord about her body image. the way the Father came in and redeemed broken places - and opened her eyes to her real beauty - was breathtaking.

from her revelation, the revelation that was only meant for her, the rest of our hearts were changed. and it moved us from a platform of talking about schooling, and discipline, to our body image.

at one point i remember saying something to the affect of: i wish that we could have a runway show where real moms could show what a real post-baby body looks like. or that we could just show each other our deepest scars from pregnancy and get past feeling ugly.

if you're a mom and you're reading this, it's likely that you have some sort of post-pregnancy body change. not all bodies are the same. and some of us never look like we had babies to begin with. but for some of us, our bodies will never look the same.

my body didn't process glucose properly (more on that later), and so when i got pregnant (both times) i got pregnant from nose to toes.

i remember a family member calling me fat.

FAT.

i was newly pregnant with my firstborn and gaining weight quickly, even without a big change in my diet. a combination of hormones rapidly changing and glucose intolerance, and you have a great combination for weight gain.

and what do you say? "I'M NOT FAT! i'm trying. i'm eating salads and boiled eggs, for God's sake!"

no. you say nothing.

and you shrink away...feeling ugly and fat.

oh my broken heart.

i remember how terribly ugly and fat i felt in my first pregnancy in front of my husband. i wished someone could feel what was happening in my body - the glory and the struggle.

the Lord taught me so much through that pregnancy. He taught me courage and confidence and He also taught me how to guard my heart.

so when we were gathered in that circle yesterday, i heard the heart cries of my friends and it made my heart overwhelm with love for them. but it also made me feel a righteous anger.

how DARE anyone, or any affliction, make any woman feel anything less than incredible.

it was from Mary's womb that Jesus slipped through into the natural world and brought real Life.

mothers are born to be warriors and lovers - just likes Jesus.

so as the conversations mingled and giggles rose, and tears flowed, the first brave friend raised her shirt and said, "see? look!" and she showed what she thought was unpleasant: a softer fuller belly and stretch marks. and then i raised my dress and said, "see? look! it looks like a cat scratched my belly." it does. my belly button isn't quite a belly button anymore and my stomach is riddled with stretch marks.

and then we asked our sweet pregnant friend if she would show us her legs that she was ashamed of. and ever so slowly, she raised her sun dress to show us her legs that are afflicted with painful varicose veins.

and we laughed and cried some more. because really, none of it is ugly.

not my stretch marks, or my friend's, or even the veins. is it ok that our bodies were marked or marred or in pain while pregnant? no. is it ok that our boobs lost shape or size or bare stretch marks, too? no. not really.

but we do. we have physical markers that show that we had babies.

but you know what? SO WHAT!

as we talked through it all yesterday. i realized that it wasn't as much that we have problems with our bodies, but that the enemy has so distracted us from what is lovely and pure and beautiful, that our eyes are deceived into thinking that the only thing that is beautiful is age 15-18.

oh, what a lie.

what a big FAT lie.

so do you know what?

i'm going out on the boat tomorrow with my husband and children. and this woman who weighs the same thing she did before she had babies, but who looks different, is wearing a bikini. and a fun green hat. and sunscreen, of course.

and i will feel beautiful and i will BE beautiful.

i will have my husband's gaze upon me and i will have two little girls jumping on me and smearing sand and sunscreen all over me. and i will pull down bathing suit bottoms to get sand out of the crotch for the big girl, and rip off a swim diaper to change a poop for the little. and i will blow up inner tubes and build sand castles...

and i will feel beautiful.

because My Redeemer calls me lovely.

and i will eat my lunch and feed my little girls and watch my husband fiddle with the boat anchor...

and i will feel beautiful.

because My Redeemer calls me worthy.

and i will reapply sunscreen to my little girls' noses, and the tops of their feet, and i will hand out more snacks and pick up sand-covered cookies, and we will bury each other's feet...

and i will feel beautiful.

because My Redeemer calls me His daughter.

and i will remind myself that i would lay down my life for my children, in a flash. oh Lord, without a thought.

and i will feel beautiful.

because My Redeemer did that for me.

He didn't promise me that my body would be without stretch marks, but He did see me as the one He chose to carry two little girls that He knew I would raise to be lovers and warriors for His Kingdom.

and so i will stand with my sisters, my friends, and i will fight for our identities. and i will lift my shirt one hundred and one times if it will bring freedom to the ones whose hearts are held captive to the lie that their bodies aren't beautiful anymore.

because THAT.

THAT is a big FAT lie.

oh bless you mothers of children who you've born into life and some of you who have born them to be received immediately by the Savior. i pray a deep blessing on your lives. i pray that when you look in the mirror that you would not scrutinize your body, but you would give thanks to the Lord for making you strong and hardy. that you would remember that He made you courageous - persevering - determined - creative - spontaneous - life-giving - nurturing - tender - soft - and beautiful. for you were made in the very image of Him. how could you be anything LESS than beautiful? seal it upon our hearts, Jesus, that we are so sweetly the fragrance of You.

listen.

i think the first time i heard from the Lord, and acknowledged that it was Him, was less of my pursuit of Him and more of His pursuit of me.

a lot of good happens when we're just living, just in the moment, and willing.

the man with Leprosy said to Jesus, "Jesus, if you are willing, make me clean." Jesus said, "I Am willing. Be clean." and the man was healed. (matthew 8)

less depends on our ability to need a willing God.

the question is, are You willing?

when i was about 23, i was in a relationship with a man i thought i would marry. which is why it was pretty shocking that i kept having dream after dream of a guy that i grew up with. i don't remember the details of the dreams now, but i do remember thinking "well? do i have feelings for this guy and just don't realize it? i'm so confused." this guy i was dreaming about was someone that i'd known since i was two. we were in school together from preschool through about our 2nd year in college until he moved away.

and it wasn't just the dreams. i couldn't quit thinking about him. wondering how he was, where he was living, if he'd graduated from school, if he was married...

it was getting to be a bit annoying but i just sat on all of the thoughts because i didn't dare tell my then-boyfriend that i was non-stop thinking about another man.

one afternoon, a friend of mine came by my workplace. she also happened to be a friend i'd known my whole life (we just happened to move to the same locale post-college). and so when she sat down in my office i finally confided in her and said, "listen, this may seem weird but i can't get this guy (we'll just call him Lou) out of my head. i even dream about him. i'm starting to either be worried about him or me." and to my complete amazement she said, "ME TOO!" turns out that she had been thinking about him, too.

we both kind of laughed at the "coincidence" of it all and moved on.

or maybe she moved on. i was the one stuck having dreams.

some time passed and i went with one of my bosses to meet with a client. [this boss was the first glimpse i had into a life that was wild at heart for the Lord. he changed my life just by who he was.]. on our way to our client, we often had talks about jesus. i was such a baby believer then. in hindsight i kind of snicker reminiscing about the questions he would ask - he was always trying to get me to think but in the kindest and gracious of ways without making me feel like a total idiot.

but on this trip he asked me, "so i have a question and want to know what you think i should do. ...there is a woman who is coming to our church without her husband, and bringing her children. her husband is mad that she's coming and is angry at God for deep wounds but the wife wants to keep coming. what should she do?" i said, "well, what if your wife wanted to go to a buddhist monastery? you wouldn't condemn her, you would keep praying for her and hoping that she would see the real joy that came from your life and want to join you."

that was it. conversation done.

but that night, my then-boyfriend was out of town. so i got curious. i called my childhood friend's mom and asked her if i might have Lou's phone number. she willingly gave it to me.

two phone tags later and there i was sitting on my couch talking on the phone to Lou.

we talked about his break-up with a girl he'd been living with and his work...and i sensed kind of a disillusionment about life from his words. and so i just said, "Lou, when did you quit believing in God? i mean, we went to church together, you went on missions...what happened?" he said that he was so tired of christians cussing and wanted to know how a real christian could say "GD" or the "N" word and still stand for Jesus? i sighed. because you know, he has a strong point. it's no good to have christians producing rotten fruit. but so i said to him, "well, if your girlfriend cheated on you and left you, would you lose faith in relationships with women and become gay? ...we all fall short, Lou." and so he started to tell me that he thought that all gods were the same. i listened and found myself saying little to nothing. just listening and more listening until he said it...

"you know, i did find a church that i really liked when i lived in wilmington." "really?" i said, "where?"

and he said, "it was this buddhist monastery..." and i don't know much of what he said after that. all i knew is that every dream and thought was coming clearly together. i knew that THIS was a divine assignment.

and i knew that the Lord didn't want me to say anything in judgment to what Lou was telling me. 

He just wanted me to love him. and so i did.

i did tell him that Jesus said that He was the One True God...but that i understood his hurts and respect his choices but would be praying for him. 

we had hopes of reconnecting again and maybe getting together sometime if we were both in wilmington or our hometown together. but we never did.

ten years later and i haven't dreamt of him once. and i haven't thought of him in that obsessive kind of way.

but i have prayed for him. and i do love him dearly.

and i do know that God is after Him in a deep way. why else would He have pestered me with dreams and thoughts and prepped me for ministry with him?

God is willing. 

always.

He just wants you to be, too.

He will use you right where you are, with whatever abilities and giftings and means of communication you have to transform the lives around you with His Love.

you just have to be willing to listen. 

The sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow me. (john 10:27)

under attack.

have you ever had your character attacked? slandered even?

i think about that sweet scene in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe when the three siblings are standing before Aslan and are pleading Edmund's life. and Aslan so tenderly says "betrayal of family is of the hardest kind."

Jesus said that from our lips comes life and death. we have the power to build someone up and breathe life into them with our words, or we can continually to destroy them. it was He who literally spoke the world into life. Spirit is life. 

what kind of life are you speaking?

encourage one another. 

mothers, encourage new mothers. they are nervous and insecure with such a huge new job. and they are wanting to know that someone is proud of them. encourage them. don't tell them that their post-baby emotions are psychotic or that they need anti-depressants. hold them when they cry and pray with them and speak their destiny of motherhood back into them. be the life-giver that Jesus has created you to be. you may never realize how much your one comment saying "i am so proud of you" could impact a new mommy's tender heart. 

because mothers need courage. courage of all kinds, for all seasons. so they need their sisters and other fellow mothers to stand with them. NOT against them.

and family, be kind to one another. rebuke with love and truth and grace. for goodness sakes, stop being so stubborn and angry and vengeful. we haven't the time to spend being so angry. elders, have grace for the youth and teach them the way. don't judge them of their anger, but show them that they are still worthy of love even if their parents' marriage didn't work. TELL them that you are proud of them, even if they are acting ungodly. it is likely that they don't know how to respond to the brokenness of their parents' marriage. and your shunning them just validates the reason why they don't respect the elders of the family. 

remember what the Lord has said - that there is a time for everything. a season for all things. 

so be slow to speak and slow to anger. the time may not be yours, yet, for speaking.

be gentle with your words and let them be full of Life.

and guard your hearts. oh sweet ones, don't be afraid. but guard your hearts and dig into the Promises of our Lord. and be ready to hold up your sword from time-to-time when the enemy raises his. but remember, his can't break the Lord's. 

ask the Lord to show you where your enemy's weaknesses are. not to prey upon them, but to pray for them. it is likely that the one who is most unkind to you, who has attacked your character and the very essence of your soul, is lashing out at you out of a place of lack. not abundance.

because i know.

i know what it's like to have family take your name, devour it, and spit on it and then have no one stick up for you. it's then, in those moments of unbelief, that you deny the liar the right to advance another step. they were never granted permission to kill, steal and destroy. 

remember to stand firm. that your walking this life out in love, with a repentant heart, will not be in vain. (1cor 15:58)

i pray for all of God's children who are in a season of change, who are in a position of vulnerability, that you would be knitted in tightly to the Body so that the lies of the enemy would be quickly extinguished with the Truth of the Word. Father, I ask that you pour light onto the liar and cause lying words to fall upon deaf ears so that they never take root into the hearts of Your people. i ask for a flooding of your grace and love to Your children who are deceived and perceive life to be less than your full Promises and that you would draw them so near to you that the idea of being unkind and deceitful would be a foreign process to them. Father, i ask that you protect your children - especially mothers - and teach them the full depth of your love for their ministry. in Jesus' name, amen.

....

I pray that this video would stir up your spirit woman and bring you back to the place of confidence knowing how indescribably awesome our Jesus is!