the dusk 'til dawn day

i think i don't remember what it was like to work in a cubicle, or an office. i think i've forgotten what it feels like to get up and brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, dry my hair, do my hair, drink a cup of coffee, eat breakfast...without a baby at my feet. because these days, i pretty much just brush my teeth and wash my face - everything else has somehow become either optional or just doesn't fit into the tiny window of time that i call morning when todd is here. and so i think things have changed just a bit around our house. just a little.

at least i know my boobs have.

they sag. and i'm glad for that. they've served their purpose. and now every night when todd hands loralai over to me after she's all smelly good and in her jammies, the first thing she does is tug at my shirt and say "muk" (milk). i smile. because the second that we sit into the rocker, she snuggles right down and has her last gulps of milk for the night. and as she switches sides she usually looks up and says with a big smile, "hi." as if i'd forgotten she was there.

i could never forget what it feels like to be a mother.

now a woman with a day job - that i've forgotten about. i mean i remember it, sure, but just in waves. i think anyone who's ever found their dream job will tell you that all other jobs have faded into some distant foggy memory. they pale in comparison.

and i've most certainly found my dream job. though i would like it if i had the ambition to dress cuter and do my hair more often. but my boss doesn't seem to mind and the job description usually comes with laughing a lot, dancing, shaking my head and making crazy faces...and really wearing cute clothes and having sassy hair just doesn't make sense when it's all going to get banana smeared and pulled out of its place. so i don't fuss over it.

i don't fuss over a lot of what i used to fuss over. but some things, admittedly, i'm worse about. like: organization and messes. since the house is now my office, i like for things to be in their place - or else my absent mind can't find things when they're absent from where they should be because they're really where they could be when i put them where they ought not to be.

and it's true what people say about when you have kids, you lose privacy. you do. just accept it. unless you have complete control over your body, and i don't and don't know anyone who does - especially post-baby-bodied moms - unless you can tell your body to poop during nap time, you're gonna have to poop on the job in front of little toddler eyes. you learn to do things faster after having babies, too. like pooping. and brushing your teeth. and eating your lunch standing up, or in the car, or pushing the stroller, or out of a bag in line somewhere...or perhaps you could hold out and timed it perfectly and you can eat at nap time. those are the good days.

but i have. i've forgotten what it was like to have a mean boss or to work for a corporation and see adults all day. i mean i miss the adults, i suppose, but nothing touches talking to your kid all day. i'd rather guess what loralai is saying than try to figure out some doctor's handwriting, any day. and i'm thankful that i get to.

my job seems like a dream. some days i feel like i'm on vacation. and i start to panic. i wonder if, at any minute, the 'you're fired' slip is going to be handed to me and back to work i'll have to go. so on those days, i try to make sure that i'm the best mama ever. not that i don't try to be good every day - but some days. some days i'm just more thankful, and more aware, than other days at how good i've really got it. every day i get to pour love into the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. i get to stare into the biggest brown eyes and dimpled cheeks and i get to laugh at and with this short little chubby girl who has so quickly become one of my best friends.

bet you never knew a nearly 30 year old would consider a nearly 1 year old her best friend. but how couldn't i? we share everything - except clothes - and love each other like mad and miss each other when we're away. motherhood is a droopy mixed bag of love. it's filled with highs and lows and sleep and sleeplessness and naps and why aren't you napping yet? and snacks and science experiments and finger paint and wet wipes and praying over toys you know are filled to the brim with germs and the only disinfectant is the One who can wipe clean everything...even the very last tear we'll shed before arriving in heaven.

and so every day i wake up and i look at this little heavenly gifted face and i think - really? me? i get to spend the whole day playing mommy? cause surely i don't deserve to have a job like this. but i do. and i love it. i mean i love love love love love it and i would fight tooth and nail just to keep it. i think what stay-at-home moms do is a sacred and precious calling. and i know that this first year at home is just the beginning of a beautiful ministry that God has planted in my heart and in our home.

oh thank you Lord Jesus for our baby and for letting me stay home with her. and thank you for every cold you've allowed me to tend to, for every tear you've given me privilege of wiping, of every hug you've let me surround loralai with...thank you for inviting me to be the one who gets to pour your word into our baby from nine to five. nothing makes me more joy filled than knowing that you chose me to be the mother of this sweet one...and nothing surprised me more than finding out that it was through learning to love a helpless little baby that i would learn what love is - that i would feel Your love.

motherhood is a sweet adventure.

and tomorrow's a big day. i'm gonna do my hair.