somewhere small

When I was in college I visited a church several times that met in a middle school. I liked it very much. I liked the music. I always understood the message - it never seemed to go over my head with theology that was confusing. But I didn't stick with it. I didn't really stick with much back then.

I moved away after college and after three plus years, I returned to Wilmington. I didn't want to go back to that church. But I did - want to, that is. It was a torn emotion. For some reason I had these resentful feelings toward the church. Doesn't that sound stupid? I think I knew that if I'd gotten my act together and made different choices that I wouldn't have been churchless in a town where I felt void of God. While God is everywhere, I never seemed to find a place where I could worship comfortably or receive truth in that town. It was disheartening and I was in a place where I think I put up a wall between myself and God - I kept sinning and God kept telling me I was wrong and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear - job well done. Perfect.

So when I returned, I went to another church. I liked it a lot, too. But I still felt a nagging feeling to back to the school church. I figured it would be the same: few people, good message, decent music, etc. But oh no. It was: lots of people, amazing message, beautiful music, uncomfortable worship. Uncomfortable because I'd never felt a desire to worship so much and yet not want to - yet.

And now, that church that I went to in college (with maybe 20-30) people present is a megachurch. Right. I know. Roll your eyes. We have thousands of people who attend. Crazy, isn't it? One place where thousands of people can come to receive truth. Mike never knew what God was working out when he asked him to be pastor. He never conceived he would minister to thousands - and then reach so many more half a world away.

But none of us know, do we? We're just asked to be obedient.

Obedient to what?

I know. It's overwhelming to think about sometimes. But there's a song that says if love is what it's all about, then why am I so scared? If we're supposed to live our lives For God and if God is love - not like love or reflecting love, but IS love - then what are we afraid of? Why do we act out in rebellion against God?

He asks us to be kind. He asks us to not change a city of people by convincing them that their ways are wrong but by sharing with them the Way. The only Way. Imagine if we shared with people the truth that we hold in our hearts. Imagine if people saw us acting in obedience - actually being followers of the Way. Imagine if people saw us sin, and then ask for forgiveness in humility. What if we didn't retaliate when we were mad. What if spoke freely and sweetly about the love that God gives us through Jesus.

Does it paralyze you think about acting out what God has asked you to do? Sometimes it does me. I get tongue-tied and feel stupid. I worry if I'll say the wrong words, offend, hurt or anger someone. I never want anyone to think that what I'm saying is judgemental. It's not me who judges, but sometimes I fear for those who live their lives as though God doesn't exist - because he knows. And He judges. And I'm desperate for them to know of his love - to know that he IS Love.

God is Love. God is Love. God IS Love.

Really pray on that. It's completely amazing.

I wish I knew that years ago. But then I wouldn't be where I am. My story, my life, would be different. God uses it all. He uses the baby that died at birth or before birth, the dad whose life was self-destructive, the poverty-stricken mother, the widow, the divorcee - he doesn't leave a stone unturned. Don't you see - there is nothing out of reach of God. God didn't bring Jesus to earth to pour out some list of sweet words for us to suck on for eternity - he brought him here to offer salvation to a broken world.

Not a one of us is perfect or free from brokenness. I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this now. I have so many different directions I want to dart off into right now. So I guess I'll just pick one -

When Loralai crawls over to me and pulls up on my leg and tries to crawl up into my lap while saying this sweet little voiced 'mama ma ma ma', I nearly melt. It really does make me feel so incredibly rich to hear her say mama. I well up with a crazy amount of pride when she holds up her green pea and says 'baow' (ball). Did God really give me the job of nourishing, nurturing, caring for and teaching her his word - his love? I feel so undeserving and yet so incredibly priveleged.

This is just the beginning. Each day when I pray with her or talk to her about Jesus or dance crazy no makeup, stinky morning breath, pajama dancing to praise music, I know that there was no other job meant for me than this one. I know that each word I speak to her about God's love - each act of kindness she sees me offer is just one step of obedience. Just one. It's the beginning. I don't know what of. But it's the beginning. I don't know if I'm growing a megachurch, but I'm going to give my everloving best try at pouring so much love into Loralai Whitney that she will never ever doubt the love of the Savior.

And I'm going to quit holding in my excitement for Jesus as we walk through Costco and I'm nearly bursting with the Holy Spirit's giddiness that we just scored on cheap diapers and a chance to talk about God with a shopper - I'm going to start praising God right there. Why not? I want my daughter to remember her childhood days as being ones filled with a mama who was crazy...crazy in love with the King.

When Mike started our church with his brother-n-law, he never saw it coming. But each Sunday he poured his ever loving heart into every word he spoke about God.

It all starts somewhere - somewhere small. We just have to be obedient in our calling to live in the Way so that others might know love.

God is Love. man, still, I say that and it's just so big - that's so much!