swallowed whole

i've been doing some praying lately and i realized something. i ask a lot of God. last week i was asking him for healing for my niece. and i was also asking him to help Loralai's snot subside and for her cold to hit the road so that sleep will be restored. and i was asking him to continue to provide for our family, financially. and i was asking him what i could make for dinner - other than chicken or quesadillas (b/c time is of the essence and my creative cooking brain just is, apparently, not). and i was asking him to soften the hearts of a few people i love, so that they will please turn away from what the world says (ie: most often dr. phil and oprah) and turn to Him - for the first time and for some, just for good. and i was praying that the difficult circumstances that some of us are in would restore our love for God and i was asking him to help me to see the good in the times that seem, on the outside, to be hopeless or just discouraging.

and then, i sat down with that bible of mine and i prayed. i realized that i was asking a lot of God. and i realize that simply because God is God, he gets to do as he pleases. and so, here i went again, asking God to please help me to rest in knowing that the decisions he makes - the prayers that seem unanswered - are at his mercy and within his perfect will. help me to know that when i don't get everything i want - that THAT is perfectly perfect.

and as i was praying - and asking - and seeking - God gave me the book of jonah. and oddly enough, do you know i don't even think i've read it. i just know about jonah and what he went through. and maybe i've read bits and pieces here and there but i never sat down and read it and chewed on it for a while. but this is what i read:

chapter 2 (NIV)
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:

"In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I
called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my
head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank
down;
the earth beneath barred me in
forever.
But you brought my life up from the
pit,
O Lord my God.

"when my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.

"Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord."

And the Lord commanded the fish,
and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

....
After I read that, I had a definite sigh of relief moment. It reminded me of chapter 3 of Lamentations where God tells us that despite all of our shortcomings - his mercy is new every day. I was pretty overwhelmed by Jonah, at first. God doesn't imply that the belly of the whale/fish story is all a metaphor - he doesn't let up like Jesus does in giving explanation for his stories. This story is told as what really occurred. And so I thought about how Jonah was pleading with God saying - God, you threw me into the ocean and let the waves kick my butt. i thought i was going to die and so despite my earlier denial of you and running from your asking me to confront people on your behalf, i bit my pride and called out to you to please forgive me and have mercy on me. i asked you, when i thought i was going to die, if you would please spare me so that i might be able to hold true to the promises i had made to you. and i realized that you would do anything just to get my attention - like toss my sorry toosh into the ocean where a giant fish would nearly eat me.

Re-read the passage again. And if you don't believe the fish to be true - read it as this: God will use ANYTHING to bring us to him. He will allow us to return to the same sin over and over again if it is the only way that we will be knocked down, continually, so that our posture is humbled and we are desperate for his intervention - for his mercy, love and grace. But God says, through Jonah, that if we will quit with the mess - quit thinking Dr. Phil and Oprah are the wisest of wise, if we'll quit turning to food for comfort, to alcohol for confidence, to working out so that our bodies are beautifully carved rather than healthy, to books that tell us that cheating is ok because our spouses got boring or uninteresting, to the comfortable answer that says that divorce is appropriate because our spouse just didn't have the same visions as us in life - God says that if we will quit making excuses for where we fall short, and simply loose ourselves of the baggage that we're holding onto that's making our ears def to him, our hearts hard to him and our eyes blind to him - that then, he will put us back on solid ground. On dry ground that is easier to walk upon.

He'll bring us up out of the belly of that whale. But unless we choose to let go of the junk we like sitting in, God will let us sit there for as long as it takes. Because as much as it is that we think that God loves us - he wants us to love him back. He doesn't want to be the only one pouring out the love - he wants a relationship.

He wants to hear about all my insane thoughts, my crazy prayers about dinner and sucking snot out of my baby's nose - because really, when the chips are up or down - the only one who can truly have the glory for my life, and over my life, is the one who created it.

So I'm going to start thinking about this Jonah a little more. And I'm thankful that God led me to one of the shortest books in the bible to read - on a night when my attention span was puny - so that I might be let in on one of the biggest secrets he shared: mercy. grace. love.

It's all ours, if we'll just resign to letting go and letting God be God. Isn't it sweet, ya'll?

i know is true.

some things in my life i know to be true just because i know, without fail, that they'll happen, or exist, because they always have.

maddie dog will beg every time i eat popcorn (or anything for that matter).
and she'll poot because she's so excited about the prospect of food. and then todd will scrunch his nose and say that we just HAVE to do something about that. the pooting. but we never do. mainly because we can't.
frankie dog will say hello for a few minutes but will inevitably go and put herself to bed where she burrows her nose under her feet and only peeks her eyes up when you walk in the room - probably to make sure she isn't missing out on any food opportunity. our dogs love food. carrots in particular.
todd will always love playing guitar, listening to music i consider weird, like wearing hats, "forget" to brush his teeth on the weekend, and say he loves every meal i cook.
my mom will always love snuggling up in her flannel jammies. she'll always love hot tamale candies, a good sappy love story, hot chocolate (ok, anything chocolate), and laughing.
so you get the picture.
i think blogs are better with pictures to fill in the imaginery blanks but i don't have time for that tonight.
but i went running tonight and i thought - i will always love this. the feeling of running. and then breathing in cold air. i will always love the relaxed feeling that comes over me after a workout. i'll always love popcorn, chocolate, a good laugh, hugs from my mom, snuggles with my doggies, giggles from my baby and my husband's smile.
but something comes between me and all of this sweetness. at times it's just sadness. or a sense of being overwhelmed or tired or stressed or even anxiety.
and this is what i know to be true.
when i doubt, when i'm down, when i feel like it won't get better or i won't pull out of this funk...there is one who does. Jesus tells us to bring all sin to light. so if i go to him and confess where i'm struggling, i'm free. right. i'm free already because of my salvation. but there are times, it's true, where we get bogged down simply by living in the world. and so the truth of it all is that Jesus came to set us free. so that no longer would we be captives, but redeemed. so that even when the world says to give up, to walk away, to argue your point or satnd firm because you HAVE to be right. Jesus says to love. this i know to be true. it is. a friend reminded me of this tonight. she said, 'understanding God's word is the easy part. loving is the hard part.'
i know the cause and effect of things happening in this world and in the community around me. i see it and i get it.
but what i think we forget as a whole, as God's body of belivers - as his church - is that the greatest truth we have to offer in reflection of Jesus is his love. we are vessels of his love.

i'll always know that i'll love loralai. i know there won't be day that i'll look into her eyes and be completely thankful that God let me birth her. and as i stand in the kitchen and sing praises to God while she eats her carrots, i see a little smirk come across her face. and then her hands raise. it's true. maybe she's waving - she likes to do that. or maybe, maybe she's copying my hands that are lifted up. and maybe she's seeing me excited about the love i'm sharing for our God. and maybe in a few years, her hands lifted up won't be in reflection of her mama's but in praise of her Jesus.

for the glory of God, he made life. and in my life he has shown me his love in form of my family. and when i'm old and gray (ok, grayER), i want loralai (and our other baby(ies)) to be able to make a list of things they know to be true. and somewhere in the mix of their list, i hope it says something like 'and i know my mama and daddy will always love jesus. and i know that jesus loves me because the first time i saw my mama dancing for joy in the presence of jesus, i KNEW he must be real. cause for what other cause would a woman dance so crazily?' ...or something like that.

the power of the truth of the gospel lives in those who believe. and what a privelege it is to get to share that love, that truth, with our family. with our babies.

full.

so far, this face never fails to make my day. and no, that's not bedhead. it's just how her hair flies all by itself.

does it get much sweeter than this? maddie and loralai.

i love this picture. mmmm mmm.

we had a really full weekend. or week. we celebrated our anniversary last wednesday by stuffing ourselves with food. date nights are fun but when you eat too much - umm, yuck. but it was nice to have adult conversation.

on friday, i visited a friend who has a little one who is three months older than loralai. to see them together is hilarious. they stare at each other, pat each other's hair, pull hair, chase each other, watch the other's newest skills (and learn. man how loralai takes tips from her buddies.) and just have so much fun. it's the best. and it was so nice to just get to be with rachel for a while. i love being with my friends who have kids - it's like the babies babble the same language and so do we.

faith was hilarious. and loralai was teething - so this ball posed a little chewing problem.

and then...they found the door stopper thing. poot noises galore. even at their age it was funny.

on saturday, one of my oldest friends (i guess since we were 9 or 10) came to visit with her little boy, jonah. jonah had a bit of a rough start during his first few weeks of life. so to see him was to see God. not that you don't get to see God in all things, but it's just special to see a little guy who fought hard and you just knew that God was answering all our prayers. jonah is precious, has the prettiest eyes and is working super hard on pushing up to crawl.

hi jonah, hi. :)

kelly and jonah with me and loralai.

on sunday, we went to my friend hilary's house. kids, football, food - what more could a day hold? ok football - i could give or take. but being with friends, their kids, and food - well now that's a pretty good day. the house was FILLED with kids and most of them hung out in hilary's daughter's bedroom. wheew. i know hilary was glad when the craziness subsided. i think there were about 10 babes there at one time.

the three little ones: reese, brooke and loralai. the rest were running around. literally.

and then...the work week began again. it's always bittersweet when todd has to go back to work after a fun weekend together. loralai loves having him here. it's the best feeling to see your baby crawl with quick baby speed towards her daddy.


and she's up to new tricks. she's talking early. oh boy. she's saying mama (ma ma - especially when she's grumpy and wants to be held - or wants her lunch or dinner), daddy (da da - sparingly but we've caught it a few times), boom boom (bmmm bmmm - she lies on her back and kicks her feet to the floor and i always say boom boom - so now she's starting to say it just for fun.), and her best word is bye bye (bah baaayyyee - coupled with some serious waving), and this morning we realized that she was telling us "more" through sign language. that was something we started when she was about 3 or 4 months and she's starting to get it. it's all so fascinating - the developmental stuff. i love watching her watch my mouth and try to say book when i say it. it's just awesome.


aaah love. sweet baby love.

i do. and i did. on oct. 8th.

i wish i could remember the day. i think it was june 8th or 10th. maybe. either way, it happened on sanibel island, florida. and it was june. i know that. and it was 2006. and it was raining a good bit of the time we were there. we went there to visit todd's grandmother; only he had other things in mind: like getting hitched. and as we walked out onto the beach to watch the sunset, he did it. he got down on one knee. and i panicked. it was like i couldn't breathe and wanted to cry. but i still said yes. i think that moment is an overwhelming moment. i can't imagine the amount of nerve it takes to ask a woman to be a man's wife - but at least you guys have MONTHS to ponder this. we have only seconds to respond. ;)

it was perfect. wonderful. the sky exploded and a sunset displayed itself before us in a heavenly sight. it was glorious. and we were on top of the world.

we made our way back to north carolina where we started planning our wedding. it was both fun and completely insane. we loved planning our life together, i had fun finding a gown and taking pictures and just feeling totally girly. and todd had fun (ha) preparing his house (his bachelor pad) for a woman.

and when october 8th finally came, we were ready. or as ready as you can be. because let's face it, nothing can truly prepare you for marriage. it's completely a leap of faith. you don't know what it's like to share your money, your time, your love, your desires, your trust, your life, your everything...until you've said i do. i love that it's a leap of faith. it means that there's more to our marriage than just us. there's God. and he's at the center of it all. if he wasn't, we would both demand our own ways and expect our lives to revolve around what we want. i love that todd leaps in faith with jesus and that i leap in faith with jesus. it stings when we fall, but we fall together and we stand together.

i love my todd. i love how when he smiles, he has laugh lines and his eyes squint. i love his brown eyes. i love his beautiful smile. it gets me every time. i love how he makes me laugh; cause he can make me laugh harder than anyone else. i love how he wants to love me better all the time and he tries hard doing it. i love how he loves jesus. i love how he wants to love me forever. i love how talented he is musically. i love my todd.

and i love that i got to marry him. and i love that i get to think about how perfectly happy our wedding day was, today, every year for the rest of our lives. because it was. every person who was at our wedding made our day richer; they make our lives richer. it was an indescribable feeling, while saying our vows, knowing that we were entering a covenant before God. God who knew we would do this before he even created us. it was overwhelming, that day, picturing the view from heaven. i imagined the angels seeing the light of Jesus illuminate on all of those saved. i imagined Jesus standing with Mark as we said our vows and i imagined the angels cheering when they welcomed us as One. and as Matt sang grace greater, i was (and still am) certain that i heard an angel singing with him. and as we danced and celebrated and smiled the night away, i remember never wanting that feeling to end: joy.

and while happy times come and go and there is a definite ebb and flow of marriage, joy is always constant. it encompasses all because joy is Jesus.

i love you toddy. you are my precious, sweet, silly, tender, God fearing, guitar playing, harmonica honking, delight in the sight of the Creator, husband of mine.

and even better. even sweeter. thank you Jesus for putting it on our hearts to marry so quickly after our engagement. if we hadn't, my dad wouldn't have been alive for our wedding. he wouldn't have gotten to hear me go on and on about my todd. he wouldn't have gotten to share in our excitement. i wouldn't have gotten to witness to him with such fierceness, fear and delight. and we wouldn't have conceived our precious loralai. because in the beginning, we were going to wait until the following spring or summer to marry. and that...that wasn't the right timing. but God's, oh ya'll, God's timing was perfect. and IS perfect. HOLY IS THE LORD!!!

i love you todd.

our beautiful sanibel island sunset

i love this picture. it makes my heart so happy. i said yes!
and then i got to take these fun pictures
even as a grown up girl, playing dress up was the best!

being at my brother's side walking down the aisle...

...was the safest feeling ever.

and the look on this guy's face is priceless. and funny.

and we said i do. oh what a day!

what a happy happy day!