listen.

i think the first time i heard from the Lord, and acknowledged that it was Him, was less of my pursuit of Him and more of His pursuit of me.

a lot of good happens when we're just living, just in the moment, and willing.

the man with Leprosy said to Jesus, "Jesus, if you are willing, make me clean." Jesus said, "I Am willing. Be clean." and the man was healed. (matthew 8)

less depends on our ability to need a willing God.

the question is, are You willing?

when i was about 23, i was in a relationship with a man i thought i would marry. which is why it was pretty shocking that i kept having dream after dream of a guy that i grew up with. i don't remember the details of the dreams now, but i do remember thinking "well? do i have feelings for this guy and just don't realize it? i'm so confused." this guy i was dreaming about was someone that i'd known since i was two. we were in school together from preschool through about our 2nd year in college until he moved away.

and it wasn't just the dreams. i couldn't quit thinking about him. wondering how he was, where he was living, if he'd graduated from school, if he was married...

it was getting to be a bit annoying but i just sat on all of the thoughts because i didn't dare tell my then-boyfriend that i was non-stop thinking about another man.

one afternoon, a friend of mine came by my workplace. she also happened to be a friend i'd known my whole life (we just happened to move to the same locale post-college). and so when she sat down in my office i finally confided in her and said, "listen, this may seem weird but i can't get this guy (we'll just call him Lou) out of my head. i even dream about him. i'm starting to either be worried about him or me." and to my complete amazement she said, "ME TOO!" turns out that she had been thinking about him, too.

we both kind of laughed at the "coincidence" of it all and moved on.

or maybe she moved on. i was the one stuck having dreams.

some time passed and i went with one of my bosses to meet with a client. [this boss was the first glimpse i had into a life that was wild at heart for the Lord. he changed my life just by who he was.]. on our way to our client, we often had talks about jesus. i was such a baby believer then. in hindsight i kind of snicker reminiscing about the questions he would ask - he was always trying to get me to think but in the kindest and gracious of ways without making me feel like a total idiot.

but on this trip he asked me, "so i have a question and want to know what you think i should do. ...there is a woman who is coming to our church without her husband, and bringing her children. her husband is mad that she's coming and is angry at God for deep wounds but the wife wants to keep coming. what should she do?" i said, "well, what if your wife wanted to go to a buddhist monastery? you wouldn't condemn her, you would keep praying for her and hoping that she would see the real joy that came from your life and want to join you."

that was it. conversation done.

but that night, my then-boyfriend was out of town. so i got curious. i called my childhood friend's mom and asked her if i might have Lou's phone number. she willingly gave it to me.

two phone tags later and there i was sitting on my couch talking on the phone to Lou.

we talked about his break-up with a girl he'd been living with and his work...and i sensed kind of a disillusionment about life from his words. and so i just said, "Lou, when did you quit believing in God? i mean, we went to church together, you went on missions...what happened?" he said that he was so tired of christians cussing and wanted to know how a real christian could say "GD" or the "N" word and still stand for Jesus? i sighed. because you know, he has a strong point. it's no good to have christians producing rotten fruit. but so i said to him, "well, if your girlfriend cheated on you and left you, would you lose faith in relationships with women and become gay? ...we all fall short, Lou." and so he started to tell me that he thought that all gods were the same. i listened and found myself saying little to nothing. just listening and more listening until he said it...

"you know, i did find a church that i really liked when i lived in wilmington." "really?" i said, "where?"

and he said, "it was this buddhist monastery..." and i don't know much of what he said after that. all i knew is that every dream and thought was coming clearly together. i knew that THIS was a divine assignment.

and i knew that the Lord didn't want me to say anything in judgment to what Lou was telling me. 

He just wanted me to love him. and so i did.

i did tell him that Jesus said that He was the One True God...but that i understood his hurts and respect his choices but would be praying for him. 

we had hopes of reconnecting again and maybe getting together sometime if we were both in wilmington or our hometown together. but we never did.

ten years later and i haven't dreamt of him once. and i haven't thought of him in that obsessive kind of way.

but i have prayed for him. and i do love him dearly.

and i do know that God is after Him in a deep way. why else would He have pestered me with dreams and thoughts and prepped me for ministry with him?

God is willing. 

always.

He just wants you to be, too.

He will use you right where you are, with whatever abilities and giftings and means of communication you have to transform the lives around you with His Love.

you just have to be willing to listen. 

The sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow me. (john 10:27)

under attack.

have you ever had your character attacked? slandered even?

i think about that sweet scene in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe when the three siblings are standing before Aslan and are pleading Edmund's life. and Aslan so tenderly says "betrayal of family is of the hardest kind."

Jesus said that from our lips comes life and death. we have the power to build someone up and breathe life into them with our words, or we can continually to destroy them. it was He who literally spoke the world into life. Spirit is life. 

what kind of life are you speaking?

encourage one another. 

mothers, encourage new mothers. they are nervous and insecure with such a huge new job. and they are wanting to know that someone is proud of them. encourage them. don't tell them that their post-baby emotions are psychotic or that they need anti-depressants. hold them when they cry and pray with them and speak their destiny of motherhood back into them. be the life-giver that Jesus has created you to be. you may never realize how much your one comment saying "i am so proud of you" could impact a new mommy's tender heart. 

because mothers need courage. courage of all kinds, for all seasons. so they need their sisters and other fellow mothers to stand with them. NOT against them.

and family, be kind to one another. rebuke with love and truth and grace. for goodness sakes, stop being so stubborn and angry and vengeful. we haven't the time to spend being so angry. elders, have grace for the youth and teach them the way. don't judge them of their anger, but show them that they are still worthy of love even if their parents' marriage didn't work. TELL them that you are proud of them, even if they are acting ungodly. it is likely that they don't know how to respond to the brokenness of their parents' marriage. and your shunning them just validates the reason why they don't respect the elders of the family. 

remember what the Lord has said - that there is a time for everything. a season for all things. 

so be slow to speak and slow to anger. the time may not be yours, yet, for speaking.

be gentle with your words and let them be full of Life.

and guard your hearts. oh sweet ones, don't be afraid. but guard your hearts and dig into the Promises of our Lord. and be ready to hold up your sword from time-to-time when the enemy raises his. but remember, his can't break the Lord's. 

ask the Lord to show you where your enemy's weaknesses are. not to prey upon them, but to pray for them. it is likely that the one who is most unkind to you, who has attacked your character and the very essence of your soul, is lashing out at you out of a place of lack. not abundance.

because i know.

i know what it's like to have family take your name, devour it, and spit on it and then have no one stick up for you. it's then, in those moments of unbelief, that you deny the liar the right to advance another step. they were never granted permission to kill, steal and destroy. 

remember to stand firm. that your walking this life out in love, with a repentant heart, will not be in vain. (1cor 15:58)

i pray for all of God's children who are in a season of change, who are in a position of vulnerability, that you would be knitted in tightly to the Body so that the lies of the enemy would be quickly extinguished with the Truth of the Word. Father, I ask that you pour light onto the liar and cause lying words to fall upon deaf ears so that they never take root into the hearts of Your people. i ask for a flooding of your grace and love to Your children who are deceived and perceive life to be less than your full Promises and that you would draw them so near to you that the idea of being unkind and deceitful would be a foreign process to them. Father, i ask that you protect your children - especially mothers - and teach them the full depth of your love for their ministry. in Jesus' name, amen.

....

I pray that this video would stir up your spirit woman and bring you back to the place of confidence knowing how indescribably awesome our Jesus is! 

they'll scoff at you. but so what.

there was a point in my life where my fists were clenched. i held my hands down.

but i was desperate for more. more life.

and there was a day in church when i raised my hands in worship. i kept my eyes slammed shut. i didn't want to feel the stares. i just wanted Jesus. and in those moments, i remember having vision of dancing with the Lord. we were on a ballroom dance floor and He, ever so effortlessly, moved me around the floor. i not only danced before the Lord - i danced with the Lord.

and then there was a day when that worship seemed still. i was still dancing before Him and with Him, but there was a longing for something else. it took some digging but i finally realized that the longing was my heart's desire. the desire that He had put in me. my longing was His longing. and He knew that i was finally gaining the courage to reach for more.

i remember praying and saying "oh Lord - my words can't wrap around what i want to say. there HAVE to be more words to describe you." i wanted to give Him more praise than my little brain could conjure up. my vocabulary was falling me short. and in the living room of a friend's house, i begged the Lord for more of Him. and He imparted me with more of Him as He poured out His Spirit on me. He washed me new in His Spirit.

and the revelation came.

and my worship was richer and deeper than i could have ever imagined. i would come home on my lunch break just to pray in a new tongue before my Lord. i was crazy excited to be in His presence. His Word jumped off the page to me and it penetrated my soul in deep deep ways. it was current. it was relevant. and i was dumbfounded by how REAL and alive His Word was. is.

and then the days were quiet again. i still dug and pressed and longed, but the revelation was seldom and i felt a distance between myself and Jesus. and the distance was real.

it was fear.

it was the same fear i felt when i raised my hands for the first time. or when i talked to a coworker about Jesus for the first time.

i was afraid of what they would think of me. i was more afraid of losing out on the world than losing out on the Lord.

i KNEW that there was more to the Lord than where i was. i'd had a love encounter with Him, but He was asking me if i was willing. if i was willing to look like a foreigner, to sound different, to be different, to step as far out of my comfort zone as was humanly possible...

to bring freedom.

because you know, our Jesus is a freedom fighter. He is lover and warrior and He is a justice seeker and keeper. and His people are His body.

but this body was weak.

it was a wuss, really.

this tongue would stop short or stumble. and my heart would feel rejection when i wasn't accepted. when the testimonies i would share made people mad or uncomfortable. i took it so personally.

but there it was.

courage in the making. boldness in the building.

the world will mistake you for arrogant or haughty. but they are wrong.

they are confused. they are looking at a people who are walking in their inheritance. and that inheritance is of royalty. and in that royalty is confidence and a promise of honor and righteousness and power.

when Truth is displayed in love, it sometimes is mistaken with arrogance because Truth can't be moved or budged. and that makes the world angry. they want to believe in what they want to believe, in what makes them feel good. and if anything comes against a feeling, it stirs up anger and frustration and condemnation.

but i want to encourage you. if you're longing for the More of the Lord that i'm talking about - if this at all resonates with you, i want you to know that you MUST unclench your fists and let those hands raise.

Moses had to first step into the water for it to part. He had to first speak in order for the Lord to speak through him to the Pharoah. Noah had to start hammering wood together in order for a boat, that had never been made or seen, to start coming together. Mary was ostracized but chose to believe. Joseph was bold in the face of head shakers saying he was marrying a whore. and Jesus - He took it all. He was called a liar, satan, a thief.

when you start doing the Father's work, there will be days of isolation. when you realize the fullness of what it is to be an alien in this world. your soul will long for that place where you belong.

but don't you stop. don't you dare stop marching forward for what the Lord has for you!

because what He has for you is FAR greater than what the world will entice you with.

be brave, beloved. hold those hands up and worship your Lord with ALL your soul.

and you don't let anyone tell you that the Lord isn't anymore. because HE IS.

you go and lay hands on the sick and watch them be healed in Jesus' name. and you cast out devils and raises the dead and you disciple the nations.

because it IS your Inheritance and anyone that tells you otherwise has yet to have a love encounter with the One who so desperately loves them.

your inheritance is YOURS. don't let anyone try to steal that from you.

Jesus' heart spills over and over and over with love for you.

for you.

(may this video bring you the courage you need to step out in faith a little more. the Lord will honor your courage. He will increase His blessings on you. let your desire in this life be for Him.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9Pl0CIEW6A&feature=youtube_gdata_player

sometimes following Jesus is risky business.

this morning, something out of the blue, loralai says "mommy, did you miss me when i wasn't in your belly?" i thought she was talking about after she was born. referring to my missing feeling her in my belly. we've talked to her about how wonderful it was to grow her in my womb and feel her move about. so i reply "yes baby. i did miss you when you weren't in my belly." to which she says "i missed you too when i was in jesus' heart."

oh her love wrecks me.

i'm partial because i'm her mom, but if i can be as objective as possible i can honestly say that her heart understands so much more than i could ever speak into her. there's no way that she could have missed me before she was born. but i felt something when she said that. i felt jesus' love for me. He was longing to fill my womb, and my arms, with the love of loralai. and maybe He was missing her for me - for i cried so many tears trying to get pregnant with her. i longed for her for as long as i could remember. i just didn't know it was her. how could i have?

but when she laid across my chest and nursed for the first time, as though we'd done that a million times, i knew that my heart would never be the same. her soul resonated with mine. she spoke Love into my heart in ways i couldn't have conceived.

and when i struggle with this season of life, i look at that beautiful brown eyed girl and i rest. sometimes i have to speak rest back into myself, but slowly i get there.

todd and i left our church almost a year ago now. the church we thought we'd always go to and be a part of. but last Fall it was clear that the Lord was telling us that it was time to move on. we were thirsty for more. and while that church is beautiful in so many ways, there was no where for us to dig in for more. we tried. we searched and sought and asked the Lord to please not remove us from that place. that's where our people were.

but He said to us "are you willing to stay here for your friends or move somewhere else and have more of Me?" either way it would be fine. i knew He wouldn't be mad at us. His judgment was done long ago. but i knew that i couldn't live with myself if i stayed unchanged.

i had experienced more of God right before and after my dad died. and then shortly after it felt like that well had dried up. but really what had happened was that the Lord had activated gifts in me and brought them forward in powerful ways - but i failed to use what He'd given me. i was just too immature to understand that's what was happening. He hadn't given and taken away. He only gives good gifts. it's not in His nature to take away. it was in mine. i was lazy to pursue Him and honestly didn't know how.

we knew where the Lord was calling us.

and we cried. not because we didn't want to see what more the Lord had in waiting, but in knowing that there was likely a cost. and there is.

we've lost many friends who thought we were trying to say that we were "spiritually better" or had "graduated spiritually" or thought that our choice for moving on was a knock against the church we were leaving. just to hear those comments was stinging enough, but to know that our brothers and sisters of the same Lord would press against us, or stop talking to us, step out of life with us, was both frustrating and discouraging.

we basically started over.

we were the new kids at school. it was so uncomfortable and yet so freeing.

the first time i worshiped freely i remember thinking "thank you Jesus! this is what my soul has been crying out for, for so long!!"

and then it happened. there was a moment like mine and Loralai's. it wasn't in a sentence or in a night of worship or even as i journaled. it was just over time. but what He said was something like this:

your heart's desire is Mine. your desire is My heart. to be in the physical presence of Me. to know My heart. and while that desire is yours, I put it there. just like you didn't realize that you longed and missed Loralai before you ever knew her, you never knew that you missed and longed for the fullness of Me until you experienced more of Me. and when you did, even though you still miss your friends and long to be understood and not looked at like someone chasing the wind, the sting is less. and it will continue to be less. because you will continue to experience Me more and more. because that is what I promised you. and I never break my promises.

my desire was always tucked away in the Father's heart. i was desperate for Him.

i thought i knew my own desires. oh boy was i clueless. i mean i knew that i liked helping and seeing people healed. i knew that i wanted babies. i knew that i wanted to be known as God's daughter. but all of that, that was just words until i stepped into His anointing and experienced what my desires were.

my words fall short.

but now i see healing and have experienced it through the hands of people, through the power of God. and now i hold my babies who were once invisible inside Jesus' heart, then my womb, and now in my arms. and i feel my Papa's arms and i am in communion with the Lover of my Soul like never before.

the risk was worth it. and i dare say that i have only begun to Taste and See all that the Lord has for me.