preparation H my foot

disclaimer: if you haven't had children via the lady shoot or don't plan on having children or plan on having children but are shy about the natural occurrences of childbirth or maybe just don't want to hear about rear ends...this isn't the blog for you.

now that said, let me tell you how i rolled my eyes today while watching tv. i really rarely pay attention to commercials but while i sat alone in the livingroom eating my trailmix while the hubs had some one-on-one time with the almost 3 year old, i saw a commercial that was just ridiculous. it was a commercial for preparation H. and i don't remember the verbage used but it wasn't what they said so much as what they did. or she did. it was this lady in her 30s or 40s. who knows, really. who cares. and she apparently had a hemroid and then blobbed some prep-H on her booty and voila! problem solved. i mean, problem so instantly solved that homegirl was riding her bicycle, coasting down a hill, with her feet off the peddles and legs out to the side as if to say "wwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee."

i rolled my eyes.

puhleez. i mean maybe all hemroids aren't created equal. i'm guessing not. but of the people i've known with those jokers, they aren't bicycle-seat-up-the-butt-legs-flying-out-to-the-side doable.

let me take you to a sacred little place called the delivery room. are you there? good. ok. there i was, holding my legs back with all of my might, pushing with all of the force i could and i was thinking: surely this baby is coming out the wrong hole. baby birthing through the lady shoot is a force to be reckoned with. the Lord designed it perfectly but it's usually not without a deal of trauma to "the area."

the result was hemroids. uuuuhhhh!! don't gasp. it's just the cold truth of pushing a baby out hard and fast.

i'd say that it was weeks, no months, before i walked normally. and preparation H is like rubbing calamine lotion on poison ivy that's in between your toes. it does nothing.

so i shout false advertising.
instead, do your kegels, pray, nurse lying down, ice your bum and for the love of living sanely...don't ride a bicycle if you're in need of anything like preparation H.
i mean really. gah.