last night our baby slept through the night. well, she woke at 5a.m. to nurse and then went back to sleep. she slept beautifully. i, however, didn't. i kept wondering when she was going to wake. and sometime in the night i realized that i'd forgotten my nursing pads. i realized it because my entire shirt and bra were soaked with milk. oh you sneaky let down, you. but when i woke for the day, i was ready. i was so happy for a well-slept house.
and after a nearly two hour doctor's visit gone horribly wrong, i was deflated. we were one of maybe ten patients total. and somehow they forgot about us. i asked three times if they remembered us. finally after an hour and a half, we were seen. but by then, the two month old was exhausted and falling asleep. shots pissed her off in a bad kind of way. and the two year old. Lord help us. i was about to sit her in the hallway and ask them to bring her some sort of sedative. the holding room was WAY to little for the three of us. or maybe just the 2 year old's energy.
i laid the baby in her crib. her eyes never opened. i wanted to crawl in with her. exhausted didn't properly define my state. but life goes on. the dishes needed to be unloaded from the dishwasher and the full sink needed to be tended to. and those dishes needed to be loaded. and the laundry - that turned into three loads - needed to be washed and folded and put away. and the toddler still required my attention. and she whined and pleaded for it. my attention. and i was torn from my deflated energy and the chores that needed to be done and the love that needed to be given to the brown eyes that were begging me to come and play.
so we played. and while playing, a flash of red caught my eye. so like any good mother would do, i used a paint stirring stick to squish a black widow. (while screaming at the curious 2 year old walking towards me saying "let me see the spider mommy"...and i was yelling "DO. NOT. COME OVER HERE! IT'S A DANGEROUS SPIDER!"). and then i called the exterminator. oh the drama. the neighbors must think i'm a loon.
and as i type this, my baby's daddy is giving the two year old a bath. the two month old has been in bed for hours and i'm still...exhausted. and i keep wondering when energy will return to my body. though i remember it being like this the first go round but i still wonder. and i wonder when the last few pounds of fat will leave my body. this is not what i remember the first go round. then again, this is a second child. i am 31. and i'm not nearly as able to get up and go to the gym or go for a walk with napping child(ren). so i try to be patient and do arm weights and situps and squats in my livingroom...in between folding underwear and socks and miniature clothes. lots of them.
and i try to smile knowing that this is the life i dreamed about...but knowing that the reality is that some days are just harder than others. some days i've got it all down pat and figured out. and then some days the firstborn whines more than there are grains of sand on the beach and the house requires more of my attention than i'd care for and the fat on my belly still jiggles and the crows feet keep digging in and the gray hairs keep multiplying and i smile. because i know that this is what i signed up for. but some days...some days it's just exhausting.
and i find myself looking the brown eyed babe in her eyes and wondering where the time has gone. and i cry. because i know that my mom and dad held me when i was a babe. a toddler. and they loved me and fussed over me and then time slipped on...fast. and so i think about this day that's worn me out - for whatever reason - and i think, enjoy it ashley. one day you'll wish you were squishing spiders and pushing thirty pounds of chubby toddler love on a swing and nursing your baby and not waving them goodbye as they pull out of the driveway headed to their own houses.
and really, is there any sweeter sound than a baby nursing?
God has overwhelmed me with the most precious daughters. thank you Lord for the chance to raise up two women to go out and make the world crazy in love with You.
2 comments:
I know just what you mean :-) My girls (although my entire world and the most precious girls ever) have driven me to sitting on my back porch before wondering what I have done being a SAHM because I am completely exhausted! But I know it's SO incredibly worth it and we are so blessed to be able to do it. It's the hardest job I've ever loved!
And I love your refreshing honesty :-)
it took me a long time to read this because i had to stop every five seconds to put a paci in the mouth of a hiccuping newborn and threaten blankie removal to the toddler in bed. but i finally finished it, i related with every word, and appreciated the message. this is hard, but it is good. and we must cherish every single moment. have you heard taylor swift's new song, never grow up? oh, sweet mama, it's good. love you.
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