life glimpsed

they'll scoff at you. but so what.

2011-11-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

there was a point in my life where my fists were clenched. i held my hands down.

but i was desperate for more. more life.

and there was a day in church when i raised my hands in worship. i kept my eyes slammed shut. i didn't want to feel the stares. i just wanted Jesus. and in those moments, i remember having vision of dancing with the Lord. we were on a ballroom dance floor and He, ever so effortlessly, moved me around the floor. i not only danced before the Lord - i danced with the Lord.

and then there was a day when that worship seemed still. i was still dancing before Him and with Him, but there was a longing for something else. it took some digging but i finally realized that the longing was my heart's desire. the desire that He had put in me. my longing was His longing. and He knew that i was finally gaining the courage to reach for more.

i remember praying and saying "oh Lord - my words can't wrap around what i want to say. there HAVE to be more words to describe you." i wanted to give Him more praise than my little brain could conjure up. my vocabulary was falling me short. and in the living room of a friend's house, i begged the Lord for more of Him. and He imparted me with more of Him as He poured out His Spirit on me. He washed me new in His Spirit.

and the revelation came.

and my worship was richer and deeper than i could have ever imagined. i would come home on my lunch break just to pray in a new tongue before my Lord. i was crazy excited to be in His presence. His Word jumped off the page to me and it penetrated my soul in deep deep ways. it was current. it was relevant. and i was dumbfounded by how REAL and alive His Word was. is.

and then the days were quiet again. i still dug and pressed and longed, but the revelation was seldom and i felt a distance between myself and Jesus. and the distance was real.

it was fear.

it was the same fear i felt when i raised my hands for the first time. or when i talked to a coworker about Jesus for the first time.

i was afraid of what they would think of me. i was more afraid of losing out on the world than losing out on the Lord.

i KNEW that there was more to the Lord than where i was. i'd had a love encounter with Him, but He was asking me if i was willing. if i was willing to look like a foreigner, to sound different, to be different, to step as far out of my comfort zone as was humanly possible...

to bring freedom.

because you know, our Jesus is a freedom fighter. He is lover and warrior and He is a justice seeker and keeper. and His people are His body.

but this body was weak.

it was a wuss, really.

this tongue would stop short or stumble. and my heart would feel rejection when i wasn't accepted. when the testimonies i would share made people mad or uncomfortable. i took it so personally.

but there it was.

courage in the making. boldness in the building.

the world will mistake you for arrogant or haughty. but they are wrong.

they are confused. they are looking at a people who are walking in their inheritance. and that inheritance is of royalty. and in that royalty is confidence and a promise of honor and righteousness and power.

when Truth is displayed in love, it sometimes is mistaken with arrogance because Truth can't be moved or budged. and that makes the world angry. they want to believe in what they want to believe, in what makes them feel good. and if anything comes against a feeling, it stirs up anger and frustration and condemnation.

but i want to encourage you. if you're longing for the More of the Lord that i'm talking about - if this at all resonates with you, i want you to know that you MUST unclench your fists and let those hands raise.

Moses had to first step into the water for it to part. He had to first speak in order for the Lord to speak through him to the Pharoah. Noah had to start hammering wood together in order for a boat, that had never been made or seen, to start coming together. Mary was ostracized but chose to believe. Joseph was bold in the face of head shakers saying he was marrying a whore. and Jesus - He took it all. He was called a liar, satan, a thief.

when you start doing the Father's work, there will be days of isolation. when you realize the fullness of what it is to be an alien in this world. your soul will long for that place where you belong.

but don't you stop. don't you dare stop marching forward for what the Lord has for you!

because what He has for you is FAR greater than what the world will entice you with.

be brave, beloved. hold those hands up and worship your Lord with ALL your soul.

and you don't let anyone tell you that the Lord isn't anymore. because HE IS.

you go and lay hands on the sick and watch them be healed in Jesus' name. and you cast out devils and raises the dead and you disciple the nations.

because it IS your Inheritance and anyone that tells you otherwise has yet to have a love encounter with the One who so desperately loves them.

your inheritance is YOURS. don't let anyone try to steal that from you.

Jesus' heart spills over and over and over with love for you.

for you.

(may this video bring you the courage you need to step out in faith a little more. the Lord will honor your courage. He will increase His blessings on you. let your desire in this life be for Him.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9Pl0CIEW6A&feature=youtube_gdata_player

sometimes following Jesus is risky business.

2011-10-26T14:30:00.001-04:00

this morning, something out of the blue, loralai says "mommy, did you miss me when i wasn't in your belly?" i thought she was talking about after she was born. referring to my missing feeling her in my belly. we've talked to her about how wonderful it was to grow her in my womb and feel her move about. so i reply "yes baby. i did miss you when you weren't in my belly." to which she says "i missed you too when i was in jesus' heart."

oh her love wrecks me.

i'm partial because i'm her mom, but if i can be as objective as possible i can honestly say that her heart understands so much more than i could ever speak into her. there's no way that she could have missed me before she was born. but i felt something when she said that. i felt jesus' love for me. He was longing to fill my womb, and my arms, with the love of loralai. and maybe He was missing her for me - for i cried so many tears trying to get pregnant with her. i longed for her for as long as i could remember. i just didn't know it was her. how could i have?

but when she laid across my chest and nursed for the first time, as though we'd done that a million times, i knew that my heart would never be the same. her soul resonated with mine. she spoke Love into my heart in ways i couldn't have conceived.

and when i struggle with this season of life, i look at that beautiful brown eyed girl and i rest. sometimes i have to speak rest back into myself, but slowly i get there.

todd and i left our church almost a year ago now. the church we thought we'd always go to and be a part of. but last Fall it was clear that the Lord was telling us that it was time to move on. we were thirsty for more. and while that church is beautiful in so many ways, there was no where for us to dig in for more. we tried. we searched and sought and asked the Lord to please not remove us from that place. that's where our people were.

but He said to us "are you willing to stay here for your friends or move somewhere else and have more of Me?" either way it would be fine. i knew He wouldn't be mad at us. His judgment was done long ago. but i knew that i couldn't live with myself if i stayed unchanged.

i had experienced more of God right before and after my dad died. and then shortly after it felt like that well had dried up. but really what had happened was that the Lord had activated gifts in me and brought them forward in powerful ways - but i failed to use what He'd given me. i was just too immature to understand that's what was happening. He hadn't given and taken away. He only gives good gifts. it's not in His nature to take away. it was in mine. i was lazy to pursue Him and honestly didn't know how.

we knew where the Lord was calling us.

and we cried. not because we didn't want to see what more the Lord had in waiting, but in knowing that there was likely a cost. and there is.

we've lost many friends who thought we were trying to say that we were "spiritually better" or had "graduated spiritually" or thought that our choice for moving on was a knock against the church we were leaving. just to hear those comments was stinging enough, but to know that our brothers and sisters of the same Lord would press against us, or stop talking to us, step out of life with us, was both frustrating and discouraging.

we basically started over.

we were the new kids at school. it was so uncomfortable and yet so freeing.

the first time i worshiped freely i remember thinking "thank you Jesus! this is what my soul has been crying out for, for so long!!"

and then it happened. there was a moment like mine and Loralai's. it wasn't in a sentence or in a night of worship or even as i journaled. it was just over time. but what He said was something like this:

your heart's desire is Mine. your desire is My heart. to be in the physical presence of Me. to know My heart. and while that desire is yours, I put it there. just like you didn't realize that you longed and missed Loralai before you ever knew her, you never knew that you missed and longed for the fullness of Me until you experienced more of Me. and when you did, even though you still miss your friends and long to be understood and not looked at like someone chasing the wind, the sting is less. and it will continue to be less. because you will continue to experience Me more and more. because that is what I promised you. and I never break my promises.

my desire was always tucked away in the Father's heart. i was desperate for Him.

i thought i knew my own desires. oh boy was i clueless. i mean i knew that i liked helping and seeing people healed. i knew that i wanted babies. i knew that i wanted to be known as God's daughter. but all of that, that was just words until i stepped into His anointing and experienced what my desires were.

my words fall short.

but now i see healing and have experienced it through the hands of people, through the power of God. and now i hold my babies who were once invisible inside Jesus' heart, then my womb, and now in my arms. and i feel my Papa's arms and i am in communion with the Lover of my Soul like never before.

the risk was worth it. and i dare say that i have only begun to Taste and See all that the Lord has for me.

what it was like

2011-09-01T22:35:00.004-04:00

Thursday night I packed an overnight back. We were headed to Raleigh to avoid Hurricane Irene. I looked forward to a few days of helping hands via Todd's folks. Liliana had been sick the week prior and I was still running on fumes. I was eager for the rest.

But Thursday after I went to bed, everything changed.

I woke sometime in the middle of the night with a screaming headache. I don't get headaches unless I've been crying a lot. I hadn't been. I took 3-4 motrin and went back to sleep. I woke again later and realized that the pain was still intense. I couldn't figure it out.

I woke for good in the morning as we packed up our car to head to Raleigh. The drive there was torture. I couldn't explain my head pain to Todd. Other than telling him that this must be a migraine because it was the worst head pain I'd ever felt. I kept my face covered from the light and begged the Lord to have the children stay quiet. I tried aspirin, caffeine. I didn't know what was happening.

13 hours later from the first onset of the headache, Todd begs me to go to the urgent care down the street from his parents' house. Todd tells me that he's afraid I have meningitis. I tell him he's overreacting. It's just a migraine. Ice packs. An attempt at a nap. Excedrin migraine. Nothing even took the edge off of my pain.

After talking my father-n-law's doctor, we decide that I need to go to the ED. He was concerned that I may have meningitis based on my symptoms.

I wasn't afraid. I was annoyed. And mad that I had to leave my children. Irritated.

Loralai laid hands on my head, prayed for the Lord to heal my head and then walked me to the car. I had no idea that I wouldn't see her again for four days. My heart still breaks looking back at how fragile that moment was.

Every child is precious. Especially your own. But I only know my children intimately. And I know that sweet baby girl's heart. Everything about her points to heaven. Her revelation about the Lord far exceeds her years of understanding and is inspired by the pure love of the Father. And when she speaks. glory slips from her lips. And when glory slips from the lips of the Family, she recognizes it. I believe that I am glimpsing, in her, the beginning of a generation of something incredible for the Kingdom of God.

And so after hours and hours of tests in the ED, at 4a.m. they finally ran my spinal fluid and determined that I did have some form of meningitis. They were leaning towards viral but wouldn't be sure for another day, at least. Todd stayed with me the whole time. He prayed with me. He hugged me and loved on me and assured me that I would see more days. And my mom stayed up all night praying for me - and answering and returning every text message.

I dreaded calling her to tell her I had meningitis. I knew she would think of Sara. And I knew that would be the enemy's only ploy to drag her down.

Your mind can't possibly comprehend the Love that the Lord has for you. Or how He is preparing you for battle years before the enemy even sniffs out the battlefield. But our God does. He sees everything. And 18 years ago, He already knew the battlefield. And so he offered me revelation when my friend died, at 15, of bacterial meningitis. He gave me a glimpse of His love then. And somehow He kept me unafraid of meningitis. I never saw it as something to fear.

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't afraid. There were times that I nearly lost it.

And this is was what the battlefield looked like. Now I tell you this NOT with haughtiness or arrogance but with humility. Because if there is one thing that the Lord made CLEAR to me, it was this "you will be victorious, ashley, but this is just one victory. and you will share and minister with humility." It was a clear charge that I was given - one to which I answered my Papa, "yes sir." When the Lord speaks, you listen and obey.

When I arrived at the hospital Saturday morning, via ambulance and some super wonderful drugs, my head pain was under control. But then the medicine dissolved. And somewhere in the transition, orders weren't written up correctly and a very ungood thing happened. I didn't receive any pain medication for another 4 hours. If you've had a migraine, you can imagine what that feels like. But imagine a migraine jacked up on steroids. That was this pain. I felt like I was going to climb the walls and go mad. I screamed out for help to the nurses. I called Todd and I called one friend who I thought could handle me under the heat of the moment (God bless you Jodi). And I cried. And I begged for mercy. I was a blithering mess.

I've labored for 17 hours and birthed a baby with no pain meds. It didn't come close to the pain my head was in.

This pain had no fruit of joy. This pain was straight from the pit of hell. And I mean that. I remember thinking, 'THIS IS MEAN. this pain is mean. it wants to kill me. it wants to steal and destroy me.'

Soon after, Todd got to the hospital. His covering was my physical protection. The Lord kept showing me that marriage was good. That He gave us each other so that we could conquer - because when 2 or more are gathered, He is there in our midst. And when the hospital door to my room closed, we worshiped and prayed and praised our God...and His presence dropped in. It was a tangible presence. I speak no lies and say nothing to convince you to believe. I'm only reporting on what I experienced.

The days got muddied, but the battle went on. I can't tell you exactly the order of the revelations, but I can share with you what the different moments looked like.

Todd spent all mornings, but one, with our girls at his parents' house. I felt like it was best that they kept some sense of familiarity and normalcy while I was away. My sudden disappearance was enough. And so one morning I sat up and just started singing and worshiping. Sunday - it was Sunday morning. And I felt so strong. I could feel the Lord rising up in me and stirring up the fight inside of me. I thought the fight He was stirring was my healing. But He was really just preparing me for more battle.

For two years, He had me stuck on this song: Faith by Jason Upton. I labored to it with Liliana Joy and worshiped to it with Loralai Whitney while pregnant with Liliana. And I fought for my life with it, alone in my hospital room with Jesus, my Victorious Warrior.

Jesus was showing me that in order for me to battle, I had to remember that He was both Warrior and Lover. And I had to live it. I had to call it forward. I had to call life forward.

Sunday my mom and brother visited and we laughed and laughed. It was such a refreshing day. I was confident in my healing and my discharge on Monday.

What the enemy wanted to use for evil, God chose to use for good.

Monday was the worst day.

I want to say that I was always brave, but it's just not so. Because on Monday I broke. Todd came to get me at noon and we never left. The pain in my head came roaring back with avengance. It was worse this time. I kept vomiting and couldn't stand. I couldn't bare the pain. I was exhausted. Somehow we made it to the tiny little hospital bathroom. And that's where I stayed. On the floor of the shower curled up in a ball, holding my head and begging for some medicine to take the pain away. I remember thinking that this was it. I'm going to die. But i REFUSED to speak those words out loud. I refused to give the enemy satisfaction that he was scaring me into death.

And then I remembered that this was just a shadow. That I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but THIS, THIS is just a shadow. Because Life is mine. Even if I was to perish, I would live. The joke was on the enemy. But I also wanted to be sure that I was going to live in this life. I wanted to be delivered from this affliction! I did NOT want to die.

I begged Todd to not leave me. When he walked out of the room, the enemy's lies crept back in. So i asked Todd to please stay with me and to keep speaking truth into me - to call forth my destiny - I told him that all i was hearing were the lies. I KNEW they were lies, but I didn't have the strength to speak Truth. I needed my groom to speak Truth of Life over me. And he did.

Todd kept saying "Ashley, you have to be strong. You have to be bold. You will not sheeth your sword until this battle is over. You will keep fighting. You are wearing the full armor of God. Picture it. You have the helmet of salvation on. You are already healed. It is just taking time for your body to physically manifest what is YOURS!" And he told me that i needed to recall songs in my mind, of God's word...and as he said that, I realized that I already was and had been. Even while I was desperate for the pain to leave, in that little shower, the Holy Spirit was singing forth Truth in my mind. I was NEVER away from Truth.

As the pain finally started to relent when I got medicine, I was able to make my way to the hospital bed. I remember telling Todd that I felt so oppressed. I could feel the enemy trying to intimidate me and convince me that I was never going to leave this hospital. It was nasty. His ways are disgusting and mean - he is intimidating. He is vile.

But God. Oh my God - HE IS LOVE!

And while I wretched in pain, I shoved my head into Todd's tummy as I cried in pain and screamed out to Jesus "have you forgotten me?! will you not remember me, Jesus? PLEASE JESUS HELP ME, RESCUE ME!!" i was getting so mad at God. i kept telling Him that I felt like I was a sheep left out in the cold.

But do you know what God did? He took away the shame of that moment by telling me something that only a Papa can do. He said 'it doesn't matter your faith right now, Ashley. i will be with you no matter what. you don't have to do anything, or believe more or less. i am with you.'

And so I started calling forth my destiny. In those moments of freedom from pain, my lips gave way to life. And I would started speaking out loud, into my hospital room, the promises that the Lord PROMISED me. "you promised me a long life, Lord. that you would satisfy me with a long life! that you would let me grow old with my babies and my husband. that you have created me to PROSPER and NOT to harm me. that you know that i am a great warrior for you and that you have great purpose for my life and that it is not to be a short life. that you already told the enemy that i am yours. that we are looking over the mountain victoriously together. that i am your BELOVED AND YOU ARE MINE. that you Love me because you made me. just because i am ME. you will fight for me. you are my victorious warrior. that even the lowest of God's body is higher than the highest of the enemy's. that you will fight for me!" ...

i fought with Truth and Love.

i played worship music often. but admittedly there were times that i couldn't stand any sound at all. but in the quiet, the Lord was with me. it was then that He sang for me.

His Body picked up where i was out of breath. A dear friend stood at the altar at church for me. Literally. She stood in my place, as though she were me. She and another friend stood the gap for me and prayed for my healing. I had several friends who would call and text me and email me constantly with visions and revelation that they were receiving from the Lord - and I would add those to the destiny I called forth. I praised the Lord for the centurion angel that stood guarding and fighting for me - for the Holy Spirit's promise that I was his girl - for how Jesus was pleased with my faith and when I walked on water He held me even as i slipped and sank.

I knew that when I couldn't call forth the next word, that a sister or brother would. And I rested there. I slept easy. I started believing the words I was speaking and remembering who I really was in Christ.

And His burden became lighter. He became more real. I rested in Him easier.

The questions I had been asking Him weeks, even days prior to the meningitis, I started understanding more.

I had been asking Him what it looked like to fully rest in Him - or what it looked like to have personal victories so that I could effectively have public ones.

The answers didn't come in a sentence or a verse - they came more in a feeling. My words fail me. But my heart knows. There was an exchange between the One who pulled me out of darkness and myself. It was beautiful.

I know what it feels like to face fear and rise up victoriously. But it wasn't by what I did or said or didn't do - it was by the sweet grace of God as He held good on his promises.

I stood boldly before His throne and I said, "YOU PROMISED ME, PAPA!!!! PLEASE KEEP YOUR PROMISES!!!" and He did.

And when a nurse came in to test me for some neurological changes after my backslide on Monday - somehow the spirit rose up in me a clear mind for a moment enough to keep my promises in tact.

He was starting to tell me that i was getting worse and began by saying with a severe look on his face that "meningitis can change and lead to other things..." and before he could finish i said, "shh shh shh. out. i will not receive what you're saying. you need to leave. you can go now." I don't think I pleased him, but i was satisfied.

From the lips flow life and death. And when Jesus walked the earth, He spoke and life was breathed. He never spoke and anyone died or was shamed or grieved. His words brought physical and spiritual life. As do ours. We have the capacity to life each other up with our words or breathe out words that will linger in hearts and allow lies to grow into places where we believe them so much that we start living them.

I was NOT going to start living death.

And I didn't.

So on Tuesday morning when I woke, i could feel hope in the air. It didn't hurt that in that awkwardly shaped hospital chair slept my Todd. But I knew that the enemy wasn't done. As long as I was still in the hospital, I knew that his job was to keep me trapped. So as I prayed silently I said, "Lord, you've just got to give me something to cling to today." And as fast as that prayer went up, He spoke to me and told me to read Psalm 113:7. I read on to finish the Psalm. I just smiled. And then I lifted my hands up high and praised the God who came to set this captive free! I knew that TODAY I would break out of this hell. That He would raise me out of the crappy dump that had been holding me captive. And that my arms would be filled with love that only a mama knows. Oh my girls. I was desperate to feel them tucked up close to me.

But do you know that even in that promise given to me, I still vomited and was nauseous and disgusting feeling the remainder of the day. We forgot my medicine and were delayed an hour on the highway. Liliana didn't nap going home. We had our two big dogs in the van with us - one nearly sitting on my head as I had to lie down on the way home b/c my spinal tap created complications due to missing spinal fluid causing headaches...

Even amidst the chaos - even when there is one who is trying to steal joy, there is One who is freely giving it.

In the midst of battle, you need the Body. You need someone who will intimately war with you. You need to KNOW who you are in Jesus because you will most definitely need to call it forth. And you need to know without a shadow of a doubt that as you rise from the ashes, you will look back at the battlefield and see something different. You won't see the affliction of the demons.

You will see the glory of the Lord.

His final promise to me:

psalm 113:7-9

He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
⁸ He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!
⁹ He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.

coming BOLDLY before the throne with confidence:

Hebrews 4

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,^[f] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. ¹⁵ For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

there is POWER of life and death in your words:

proberbs 18:21

²¹ The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

half way.

2011-03-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

He told them to go and make disciples. He told them that they will cast out demons, raise the dead to life and lay hands on the sick and they will be healed. He said to love no matter the cost - especially your enemies. Because how easy is it to love those that love us back? That's easy.

The hard part is watching the train wreck and knowing that you're called to get up and act.

It's not enough to just sit on our couches and watch the Today Show with our warm cup of joe and do nothing with all that we know.

I'm not saying that being a Believer means that you have to work to earn salvation. But I am saying that being a Believer means that doing nothing must mean something. I like it to being given a beautiful inheritance from your parents, their love all your life, gifts and presents, support when you're struggling, hugs when you need them and then never calling them. Never visiting with them. Never helping them walk through their own struggles. Just taking. Taking. Taking.

That's not natural.

So why do we do that with our Savior?

I stared at the tv and watched the devastation in Japan and wondered: what are Believers doing? Are we standing in judgment of a government, theirs or ours? Are we angry because people haven't come to our "rescue" before? Are we sad for the land that was destroyed? Or do we look at the pictures and hear the cries and feel the Holy Spirit grieving as we grieve with the broken?

Where are you Church? Come ON! Body of Christ, let's move.

It's not enough to say that we are Christians. Followers of Christ, of The Way, Believers of the Most High - there is no denomination in walking with the One who breathed you into life. So why do we stay separated? Where is our worship?

I'm not saying that flying straight to Japan is the answer. But for some of us, maybe it is. But I am saying that there is as much devastation right here.

I live on the coast. A tsunami would destroy my home in a matter of minutes. Easy. And then what?

Why aren't we talking to people - asking them about their god?

The world wants peace. It wants rest. It wants hope. It wants to look at destruction and tragedy and know that devastation doesn't define us.

Jesus does. He is the author and lover. He is the Prince of Peace.

Oh Church - pray. Reach people - love them - disciple them. Leverage yourself, your gifts, your time. Retirement, when you graduate college, after the kids are older, when things are more settled... isn't when you should start serving the Lord. Serve Him now. It is a joy to serve Him.

i didn't dream of this...

2011-02-15T18:35:00.005-05:00

when i was little i used to dream of being a mommy. a working mommy. it never occurred to me that i would be a stay-at-home mom. never. well, not until i got married and the prospect of children became so close to my heart and the thought of handing them over to a stranger seemed like a non-option.

you know, three years ago i was working at a big corporation. i had health insurance that cost less than $100 for our whole family. i had a beautiful gym, at work, to exercise in. i had awesome friends to chat with. i got paid well. i was affirmed with a job well-done. raises and promotions. paid days of vacation.

and now. now i work a 24 hour shift. sometimes i work in the middle of the night for hours. and i wake at the crack of dawn. i don't get days off, let alone paid days off. our insurance payments have more than quadrupled. and the days of a solo workout are gone.

my wardrobe went from dress pants and cute shirts to bluejeans and tshirts...and sometimes just jammies. showers are optional. so is makeup.

i wipe boogers and gooey snot. i dry tears and wash dirty hands. i change diapers. i vacuum dog-hair covered floors several times a week. i cook three meals a day and make snacks in between. i explain right from wrong. i hand out discipline and praises. i teach the a,b,c's and silly rhyming songs. i listen to "why" questions constantly and am constantly required to give an answer. i talk non-stop about jesus and who he is and how to love like him. and i have to constantly give out love. and explain why i'm frustrated for having to do the third load of laundry in one day and can see three more on the horizon and then explain why being frustrated is an emotion that can be good and bad...and explain why laundry is a necessity and why we should be thankful for laundry...and for food and for sisters and friends and dogs and even dog hair.

i have more conversations, in a day, than i did in a week. and my conversations are more intimate and deep than ever before - even the ones about why play-doh should be returned to its correct container.

everything has a purpose. a meaning. everything.

and while we pay an arm and a leg for health insurance and i can't take a quick run to go out to lunch with a girlfriend, and i coupon like a mad lady and make more trips to harris teeter than i'd rather make, and haven't had a private poop in ages, and haven't been able to finish a phone call or an email without saying "please be patient while mommy finishes...", and i...i wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

because my life is not my own. and it's beautiful.

i snuggle with two beautiful girls all day long. and while i'm on the phone, i have a three year old climbing on my back singing "our God is greater. our God is stronger..." and i smile. letting go and letting God work through me is producing a beautiful fruit. i have a three year old whose heart is tender and sensitive and she actually cares about the needs of others. at three. and she has manners and kindness...and when she errs, i get to correct her. i get to explain to her why i'm correcting her. and she gets to see her daddy working to provide for her. she sees jesus in him.

my life was made to serve. and it's not easy.

but it is worth it. and it is good. and i am without doubt that God purposed me for this.

children have sharpened me and molded me into a person i would have never been had i stayed in a comfortable job. and todd wouldn't be the provider he is if i had kept working. i say this not to say that i'm right and you're wrong. but to say that there is something amazing when we do what God is calling us to. it's not always easy, but it is worth it.

my life isn't perfect, but it is blessed.

the Lord knew that i didn't dream of this kind of life. but He did. and when i followed Him, i fell in love with what His dream of my life was.

these faces. these giggles. these snuggles. these lives. they are worth more than silver and gold.

preparation H my foot

2011-01-08T18:38:00.002-05:00

disclaimer: if you haven't had children via the lady shoot or don't plan on having children or plan on having children but are shy about the natural occurrences of childbirth or maybe just don't want to hear about rear ends...this isn't the blog for you.

now that said, let me tell you how i rolled my eyes today while watching tv. i really rarely pay attention to commercials but while i sat alone in the livingroom eating my trailmix while the hubs had some one-on-one time with the almost 3 year old, i saw a commercial that was just ridiculous. it was a commercial for preparation H. and i don't remember the verbage used but it wasn't what they said so much as what they did. or she did. it was this lady in her 30s or 40s. who knows, really. who cares. and she apparently had a hemroid and then blobbed some prep-H on her booty and voila! problem solved. i mean, problem so instantly solved that homegirl was riding her bicycle, coasting down a hill, with her feet off the peddles and legs out to the side as if to say "wwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee."

i rolled my eyes.

puhleez. i mean maybe all hemroids aren't created equal. i'm guessing not. but of the people i've known with those jokers, they aren't bicycle-seat-up-the-butt-legs-flying-out-to-the-side doable.

let me take you to a sacred little place called the delivery room. are you there? good. ok. there i was, holding my legs back with all of my might, pushing with all of the force i could and i was thinking: surely this baby is coming out the wrong hole. baby birthing through the lady shoot is a force to be reckoned with. the Lord designed it perfectly but it's usually not without a deal of trauma to "the area."

the result was hemroids. uuuuhhhh!! don't gasp. it's just the cold truth of pushing a baby out hard and fast.

i'd say that it was weeks, no months, before i walked normally. and preparation H is like rubbing calamine lotion on poison ivy that's in between your toes. it does nothing.

so i shout false advertising.
instead, do your kegels, pray, nurse lying down, ice your bum and for the love of living sanely...don't ride a bicycle if you're in need of anything like preparation H.
i mean really. gah.

citizen's arrest. citizen's arrest.

2010-11-21T15:18:00.004-05:00

have you ever seen the andy griffith show? don't you remember hearing gomer pyle hollarin' "citi-zy-an's a-rray-est! citi-zy-an's a-rray-est!" that's how todd and i have felt lately. because what do you do when you have a total moron of a human being riding his crotch rocket motorcycle through your neighborhood going 50+ mph? there's not a whole lot you can do, apparently. you can call the police, but what do you tell them? "hi. mister crotch rocket dude just flew past my house. will you go get him?" ...where'd he go?... "i don't know." exactly.

so for weeks, i'd say even since before liliana was born, we've heard the high pitch zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz of a crotch rocket flying past our house and down the joining road beside our house. and it makes todd furious. several times he's jumped in his car and chased after the guy - but we're always too late. the little rocket boy is going so fast. by the time you see him, he's turning onto another road and there's no catching up. all we wanted was his license plate number. because that ought to do SOMEthing, right?

yesterday i was on my way home from the gym and as i turned into my neighborhood..zzzzzzz...there he went. he was rounding a corner in my neighborhood just as i was passing him. so i, being alone and without children, did what any mama would do. i jerked my minivan into a road, backed out and hauled booty after the rocket boy. and when i say hauled. i mean i was going 70mph down 17th street ext. headed towards college road. and if you're from here, you know that that in itself is no brilliant move. but i was determined to get this boy's license plate. so as i'm speeding, i'm dialing the hubs. "i'm chasing the crotch rocket boy, todd! i'm gonna get him! ...ok, get something to write with. ...you ready? license plate number...ok. now pray for me. i'm gonna talk to him."

so i pull up next to him in my minivan. i'm lookin' fierce in my hollywood sunglasses and hair greased back in a ponytail from my workout and my two carseats in the back. and i ever so nicely say, "can you hear me?" he smiles and says "yes." and i say, "do you live in bla bla (gonna leave that out) neighborhood?" him, "no." me, "do you sometimes ride through there?" him, "yea." and this is when i get pissed, but mind you i didn't say all of the curse words that i wanted to. cause boy, i wanted to either knock him in his nose with my fist or at least let him have it with mean words. but i refrained. so instead i said, "DO NOT come in our neighborhood AGAIN! it is NOT OK for you to ride your bike that fast. THERE ARE CHILDREN in there.!" him, "SO. they gotta catch me. i don't care. i don't ride around kids. i don't care." me, "well then you should know that your license plate number is going directly to the police RIGHT NOW....(and i add this in b/c i KNOW that this will scare him)...and i have a cop who lives on my street. we WILL catch you!" him, "i DON'T CARE!"

and the light turned green.

and that joker accelerated so insanely fast and went around the turn so fast that i was sure that his bike was going to fly out from beneath him (which i don't want. i didn't want him to die.). but i wanted him to get a FLIPPIN' CLUE!

and i know that i sounded so far from threatening. but let me just tell you how much of the mama bear in me was rising up. i was so rattled and angered by that moron that my hands were shaking when i walked into our house. i'm just glad that we were in our cars and not face-to-face. i'm afraid my knee would have had a twitched and jumped up and knocked him in special places.

i don't think i would have been so mad if he hadn't said he didn't care. because he DOES in fact ride his bike by children. our whole neighborhood is active - people are constantly out walking or riding bikes or kids are playing. how incredibly ridiculous. and when we called the cops there really was nothing they could do. they said they would go by his house and talk to him.

and you know what i picture? and i always have. so now picture this with me. i picture the holy spirit being loud like a lion when a mama is protecting her babies. and i've always thought that if someone broke into my house with me there with the girls, that i would open my mouth and this roar would come out. it would be so big and loud and crazy, that the bad guy would run. i believe that the voice of the Lord can roar. sounds silly, maybe. and so i'm just hoping that even though i didn't roar at that rocket boy, i hope that whatever i said to him transferred. i hope that the Lord rearranges my words, later, and that when rocket boy replays the events of yesterday that he remembers this crazy burly looking dude threatening his rocket riding days if he so much as steps a wheel in our neighborhood. because the Lord is cool like that, and i know He could relay that message if needed.

here's to no more rocket boys in my hood. or else.

citi-zy-an's a-rray-est!

there are just some days...

2010-11-12T18:51:00.003-05:00

there are some days, like today, when you take your two and half year old and your 9 week old to the doctor for a two month old baby check up when it hits you....i'm tired. and my heart is full.

last night our baby slept through the night. well, she woke at 5a.m. to nurse and then went back to sleep. she slept beautifully. i, however, didn't. i kept wondering when she was going to wake. and sometime in the night i realized that i'd forgotten my nursing pads. i realized it because my entire shirt and bra were soaked with milk. oh you sneaky let down, you. but when i woke for the day, i was ready. i was so happy for a well-slept house.

and after a nearly two hour doctor's visit gone horribly wrong, i was deflated. we were one of maybe ten patients total. and somehow they forgot about us. i asked three times if they remembered us. finally after an hour and a half, we were seen. but by then, the two month old was exhausted and falling asleep. shots pissed her off in a bad kind of way. and the two year old. Lord help us. i was about to sit her in the hallway and ask them to bring her some sort of sedative. the holding room was WAY to little for the three of us. or maybe just the 2 year old's energy.

i laid the baby in her crib. her eyes never opened. i wanted to crawl in with her. exhausted didn't properly define my state. but life goes on. the dishes needed to be unloaded from the dishwasher and the full sink needed to be tended to. and those dishes needed to be loaded. and the laundry - that turned into three loads - needed to be washed and folded and put away. and the toddler still required my attention. and she whined and pleaded for it. my attention. and i was torn from my deflated energy and the chores that needed to be done and the love that needed to be given to the brown eyes that were begging me to come and play.

so we played. and while playing, a flash of red caught my eye. so like any good mother would do, i used a paint stirring stick to squish a black widow. (while screaming at the curious 2 year old walking towards me saying "let me see the spider mommy"...and i was yelling "DO. NOT. COME OVER HERE! IT'S A DANGEROUS SPIDER!"). and then i called the exterminator. oh the drama. the neighbors must think i'm a loon.

and as i type this, my baby's daddy is giving the two year old a bath. the two month old has been in bed for hours and i'm still...exhausted. and i keep wondering when energy will return to my body. though i remember it being like this the first go round but i still wonder. and i wonder when the last few pounds of fat will leave my body. this is not what i remember the first go round. then again, this is a second child. i am 31. and i'm not nearly as able to get up and go to the gym or go for a walk with napping child(ren). so i try to be patient and do arm weights and situps and squats in my livingroom...in between folding underwear and socks and miniature clothes. lots of them.

and i try to smile knowing that this is the life i dreamed about...but knowing that the reality is that some days are just harder than others. some days i've got it all down pat and figured out. and then some days the firstborn whines more than there are grains of sand on the beach and the house requires more of my attention than i'd care for and the fat on my belly still jiggles and the crows feet keep digging in and the gray hairs keep multiplying and i smile. because i know that this is what i signed up for. but some days...some days it's just exhausting.

and i find myself looking the brown eyed babe in her eyes and wondering where the time has gone. and i cry. because i know that my mom and dad held me when i was a babe. a toddler. and they loved me and fussed over me and then time slipped on...fast. and so i think about this day that's worn me out - for whatever reason - and i think, enjoy it ashley. one day you'll wish you were squishing spiders and pushing thirty pounds of chubby toddler love on a swing and nursing your baby and not waving them goodbye as they pull out of the driveway headed to their own houses.

and really, is there any sweeter sound than a baby nursing?

God has overwhelmed me with the most precious daughters. thank you Lord for the chance to raise up two women to go out and make the world crazy in love with You.

fifteen hours later

2010-10-06T20:34:00.009-04:00

i've thought quite a bit about writing this out. i haven't blogged in a long time. and there's reason for that. i guess i just wanted to check my motives for blogging. where was the glory pointed?...that sort of thing. and i think i've come to the determination that if even one person is changed or moved, or a seed is planted by what i write, then it was worth it.

so here's the naked truth. cause by the end of it, i was indeed naked. well, i had on a sports bra.

pregnancy with liliana was so different from my pregnancy with loralai. it was easier, for the most part. and there were some physical ailments, i'll leave those unmentioned, that affected some unmentionables and was just well, unpleasant. but aside from the unpleasantry that occurred, pregnancy with my little liliana was wonderful. i felt her kick early and she never stopped - i don't think she took a break even in the late hours of the night. and this summer. well, this summer goes on record as being one of THE best summers i can remember since being a kid. loralai and i spent at least one to two days a week at the beach with some of the best friends and their babes. it seemed surreal. i was big, pregnant, it was the hottest summer on record, and God had blessed me with life at the beach. and, He'd blessed me with a husband who works at home. todd's job has changed. he's now self-employed. there's a lot about that that we love and a lot that we hate - but having him home, i love. and it made the summer even more rich.

so fast forward to august. i'm OVER being pregnant. oh mercy. i clearly remember sitting on our back covered porch one early afternoon while loralai played in her swimming pool and i...i sat in a chair, with an overhead fan and a floor fan both blowing on high...and i...i was sitting there in my bra and underwear sweating it out to the beat of black eyed peas' i gotta feeling. why? because it made my toddler smile to heaven and back and truth be told, it made me happy too. but way too sweaty. yuck. this summer was a hot one. and by august, i was nearly wishing for a c-section to be scheduled.

but not really. because my c-section with loralai resulted in blood transfusions and a long long road of recovery that i don't wish on anyone. so my heart's desire was a vbac. i wanted to see if my body could do it. i wanted to experience life birthed the way that God had created it to be. and so we waited. we decided that we would wait on the Lord. no rushing. no giving in. just waiting. so we prayed a lot. and we walked just as much. there were many days that i'd walk two times in the day. i kept thinking that gravity had to do some sort of good to pull this baby on down the lady shoot.

by the end of august, though, i was beginning to wonder if this baby would ever come out. why i thought she would come early is beyond me. loralai was two weeks late. so there was no reason for me to wish that liliana would be early or on time. but still, i wished. and i prayed. and i quit going to church. it was just too uncomfortable. and i was just too big. and too hot. and too irritated to sit in a regular chair position for an hour. so for three sundays before the baby arrived, todd took loralai to church and i had the morning to myself. and i have to say, those were some sweet moments alone. it gave me a chance to regroup. to remember who i was aside from being a pregnant mom and wife. i drove in the car by myself. i turned the radio up really loud. and i almost always had to make a mad dash home to pee. i was never gone long. the bladder was a squished bladder by then. but still, the time was glorious.

but that last sunday. three days after my due date, something felt different. maybe it was the extreme nausea i'd experienced the day before. or just some sort of feeling that God gives when the time is near. but i actually blow dryed my hair and put on make up and vacuumed and mopped and clearly remember saying out loud to God "God, i promise to choose to have a good day today." (did i mention being a bit irritable?) and i did.

i went running that morning - prior to the makeup and hair doing - and it was laughable. i remember thinking that surely my butt cheeks were going to detach themselves from the bones upon which they sit. the running, it wasn't so fast, but its purpose was to move that baby OUT! and by 3:30p.m., i was even more antsy and ordered the husband to go on a journey to the local pharmacy and buy some castor oil. but as the Lord would have it in his humorous way, i lost my plug while the husband drove down the road. without the help of the oil, the baby was making her way. within the next hour, the contractions set in at 8, then 6, then 5, then 3 minutes steadily apart.

so we ate dinner and played in the yard and waited to see if this was the real thing. because for the two weeks prior, i'd had nothing but false labor. though this. this felt real. these contractions were painful. and i was happy. it may be the only time a girl is ever happy to be in pain. so i called my mom - and her bags were packed. and then i called a dear friend of mine who was going to be my doula - and she was ready to go. and then i called a girlfriend - and she was on her way to my house. we tucked in loralai and prayed with her and told her that tomorrow morning, she was going to meet her sister. she was excited. we were excited. and it was all i could do to not cry.

the thought of getting to hold our sweet liliana seemed to be too much. i couldn't wrap my mind around being the mom of two. of our family not just being the three of us anymore. of God redeeming September.

to the hospital we drove. and todd missed the turn to the hospital. and i cussed. we were off to a grand start. we were a little frazzled and looking back, it was funny.

we got to the hospital around 8:30-9 and were admitted around 10. by midnight, the contractions had intensified though they stayed every three minutes apart for the next fifteen hours. and for those fifteen hours, i breathed, and clenched my jaw tight, and listened to my husband and friend (ovella) talk, and got in and out of the birthing tub, and moaned and groaned in pain and wonder how much longer. how much longer Lord? i remember being completely angry with Eve and being ticked that this is how life has to come into the world - through pain. but then ovella would pull me back to center and another hour would tick by.

though admittedly, by the 12th hour or so, i was done. i was exhausted and in so much pain. i had a baby who was turned sunny side up and was pressing down on my pelvis and nerves were shooting like lightning rods and i felt paralyzed to move though forced to breathe and desperate to run away from my body. i wanted an epidural and i wanted it now. but now was 14hours + and now was too late. i remember begging and pleading for the pain to stop. and i remember getting really short and rude with the nurse, mary, and telling her to PLEASE BE QUIET! and i remember todd kept talking while i was having contractions and i wanted to do bodily harm to him. and i remember thinking that i couldn't do this. and i remember wanting to die. truly just let me die. it would be better than this pain.

but then it happened. somewhere in the middle of the song Faith by Jason Upton, the holy spirit grabbed me just long enough to send the enemy running and let Truth enter my heart. it was just long enough for me to distinctly remember thinking "i can do this. i was made for this." that feeling came and went in the wind. but in the midst of the height of the pain - and words can't describe the insanity of the pain - i could hear and recall that. and i knew, despite my fear (because i was scared of the pain. it didn't come to play.), that i could do it. and while ovella held me close to her chest and prayed over me, i knew that my baby would be in my arms soon.

push.

i never imagined the pushing of it all. i just didn't. i knew i'd have contractions and that laboring through would be tough but i didn't think about pushing. and when it was time, i seemed to be stuck on my side. however the baby was positioned, it made it nearly impossible for me to move as with every move, it felt like my pelvic wall was going to crush into a million pieces. it felt like my lady area was going to break. and it was.

so with force, the nurse and todd and ovella pulled me onto my back and the pushing began. ovella was amazing. truly. she is amazing. God has blessed her with an ability to walk someone through pain and help them to see the purpose in it, more than anyone i've ever known. she was absolute light when it seemed utterly dark. and the noises that came out of my body in groans and shreaks and cries - they surprised even me. my body was doing something without my permission. it was beautiful and terrifying and exactly how it should be.

and as her head started to crown, i remember todd saying, "i thought this would be weird. but it's not. this is awesome! keep going baby!" he was so excited to see his baby girl enter the world. and all i could think was, sweet jesus get her out! the pain. Lord Jesus, the pain. but a few pushes later when that sweet liliana joy slipped from my womb and up into my arms...the pain melted away. literally. i didn't care. i was staring into the face of someone i had loved for months - or maybe even always.

she cried and i cried.

and it was labor day, september 6, 2010. it was my 31st birthday. and it was liliana joy's birthday. of all of the days that the Lord could pick to bring forth my second daughter, he chose my birthday.

it was redemption. because for years, september seemed to go all wrong. my parents separated, my dad was a no show or no call on my birthday, a long time boyfriend broke up with me, i found out my grandad had terminal cancer, my parents divorced, my childhood home sold...for a long time, i found myself cringing when september rolled around. i was just sure that something else was looming in the dark, waiting to crush the hope that was september. and when i got married, todd started rewriting september. he would do everything he could to make my birthday special.

but it was the Lord himself that redeemed it. it is He that only can redeem anything. and when he took my birthday and made it my daughter's, He gave me a new focus. september is so sweet now. i'll never see the sadness in it. never. all of the pain of all of those years were worth the sadness - it was in the sadness that hope grew.

and now i look at this blue eyed girl and my heart rejoices. for so long we waited for the Lord to restore something that seemed impossible. but he showed us that it was possible. somewhere in the quiet of the early morning hours of september 6th, God reached into my heart and reminded me that i was created for this - for this moment. and from my womb, he made new precious life - again.

and i love her. she is a joy.

so good.

2010-04-29T21:20:00.008-04:00

i had a friend, tonight, ask me to tell her what it meant to be a stay-at-home mom. and i did. it took a lot of words. and i could have given more. but one thing that came to me just stuck with me. it's sweet how writing something out can be a gentle reminder or encouragement of Love.

i live with this little girl who is just so cute. and every day i tell her the same thing. i look at her and say, "hey. look at me." and sometimes now she looks at me (and i swear she's rolling her eyes) and she says it before i get a chance to "i love you." she knows what i'm going to say just by me asking her to look at me. but there's a little more to it. i always say "God made you SO good. i love you. every day. all day long." and she's started asking me sometimes "every day?" she thinks about it.

she also thinks about crackers and chocolate. but that's a whole other post. a post on how to feed your children healthy foods without being asked first thing in the morning, "i want crackers for brea-fast mommy."

back to being so good.

have you heard that jonny diaz song Beautiful You? if not, go to iTunes and listen. it's so sweet. and true.

the chorus goes like this:
There could never be a more beautiful you
don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

if you know Beth Moore, right about now i hear her saying "ain't it so ya'll?!!"

it is.

i can't protect our little one from the world, but i can do my best to prepare her for the One who calls her beautiful, beloved, lovely, daughter, innocent. i can prepare her to look in the mirror and know that she was created for a purpose. what a privilege to pour into a little girl's heart truth. real Truth. not feel good stuff that works for the minute. but Truth that produces a fruit so sweet that the world will be the one uncomfortable around her. not her around it.

i look at her dance and i think - keep going sweetie. never stop. throw your hands up before your Lord and dance. and never let anyone stifle that spirit that was made to rejoice.

because there could never

be another

beautiful

you.

credit

2010-02-25T14:13:00.006-05:00

i didn't know if you knew it or not. but todd and i are so in love with the dimples that kiss these cheeks. and we're so in love with the heart that says things like "i'm Loralai like Jesus." and we're so in love with those big brown eyes and the killer long eyelashes that blink and melt our hearts. and those hands. they stroke our cheeks as she says "aaawww, it's ok mommy. you ok?" the tenderness that comes from this little one. it's heavenly. but the laugh. the giggle. the happy Loralai hour. the energy that bounds from her bod. ...as much as i'd love to take credit for who she is. there's no other explanation for the uniqueness of her creation than the Creator Himself. it was only He that could fashion something so precious to fill our lives with such joy. oh the love.

she said.

2010-02-22T14:58:00.003-05:00

on the way to church, listening to music, Loralai said, "what they singing about mommy?" i said, "they're singing about jesus. they're singing praises to him." she said, "to my Jesus."

then i asked her, "who is Jesus?" she said, "Jesus is God...i love Jesus and God."

this afternoon before naptime, she was in her room, sitting on this comfy green chair where she cuddles up to read her books. i overheard her reading and so i stood at her doorway and listened. and this is what she was reading, "in the be-ninning God made the earth. in the be-ninning God made the earth. in the be-ninning God made everything."

and as we cuddled up to read a book before her nap, we prayed. and i thanked God that He would bless me with these moments and these minutes and these days where i am given the privilege to pour His Word into my sweet one. when i'm able to rebuke her with love and correction and explain to her why we sit in our chair.

i never knew that a two year old could have a heart so hungry for God. but she does. the questions are natural and come often and the lady who keeps her during the day has all the time in the world to answer them. and i'm thankful to my husband for working his fingers to the bone so that our baby's keeper is her mama. i'm honored.

what a joy it is to go without a shower, to grocery shop greasy-haired, to sweep crumbs up, to wipe jelly-stained cheeks, to potty train, to wipe tears, to pick boogies, to laugh and dance and play dolls. i wouldn't trade a minute of this time for a day at the spa. not a minute.

bill.

2010-02-19T13:13:00.002-05:00

that's my dad's name. and i find it a beautiful thing that God has given me the privilege to fight in prayer for another bill.

i lived in the triad of NC for about 4 years after college. and in that time, God landed me the most incredible job a girl could have ever imagined. at least this girl. i wanted to work in advertising, and the Lord showed me great mercy by letting me work for an agency full of men. and three other women. being outnumbered by men is interesting, to say the least. the conversation is almost always music, bodily functions, sports and any kind of joke at the expense of yours truly. all in good fun.

moving back to wilmington was exactly what i was supposed to do. but it seemed so unfair to have to leave that job. i don't know how to tell you how much i loved it. or maybe it was more the people i loved. because each one is/was so unique. it was there that i saw what it looked like to be a husband, a dad, a spiritual leader... i remember thinking that if i could ever find a man who was the combination of the men i worked with, then he would be perfect.

bill was the class clown. literally. sometimes you wanted to have a whipping stick to pop his knuckles in order to reign him in during a creative meeting. creative doesn't begin to describe him but it was the only title they could stick him under: creative director. when i think of bill, this is what i think of: a musician, a flirt, a word nerd, distracted and focused, strong, a mama's boy, a wealth of useless information, an eyebrow raiser, the best hugger, always finding a common ground to make you feel comfortable, one of the boys, excessive coffee drinker, night owl, a definite kid at heart.

hello dahling.

that's how he greeted me most often. i wish you could hear his voice. it's just...bill.

i remember being so thankful that i could shout "BILL" to a man and not want to take his name in vain. because at the time i was working with him, i hadn't forgiven my dad and held his name in real contempt. but to say this bill's name was easy. he made bill fun. he made bill likeable. he gave bill hope.

but this Bill, he's dying. a few months after i moved, he was officially diagnosed with colon cancer that metasticized. he's fought hard. it's been nearly 5 years. but the doctors say that his time is near.

i'd be lying to you if i felt relief for him. i don't. my spirit groans for him.

something happens when you follow Jesus. your heart becomes stronger because you depend on Him more but your heart also does something you never saw coming. it grieves sin desperately and cries out in huge ways when you see someone losing heart. losing hope. and you get mad. because you see the enemy setting up camp.

so let me tell you this. this girl. bill's daughter. i'm not after the enemy. he's nothing compared to my God. but i'm after this bill. i'm covering him in prayer. i'm asking the Holy Spirit to combat against the enemy until bill's heart softens enough to reach out to the hand that is calling him.

the Holy One. the one we cry out to, Abba Father, is calling bill.

and i COVET your prayers.

this world doesn't need bill. it doesn't need me. but i refuse to give up so that hell gets him. he was created by the living God and i'm asking that you pray with me so that it is He who looks into bill's eyes and lovingly says "welcome home Son."

pray with me. please.

the thing that bill doesn't realize is that he WANTS Jesus. he's just hiding behind the same pride that's denied the Lord for 50+ years.

there is no one like the Lord God Almighty. he is HOLY. HOLY. HOLY.

he is Creator, Perfector, Finisher, Almighty, Everlasting, Ever-present, Healer, Savior, Father. and if the enemy thinks he has anything on that, he ought to stand back and watch the King of Kings take a hold of a heart that he thought he had wrapped in the bag. cause it's on! there's an army of warriors praying for a man named bill.

because we're desperate to send our friend off and finally call him brother.

oh to be present and see him bear hug Jesus.

pray with us, won't you?

two.

2010-02-18T19:03:00.002-05:00

i'm about to be the mother of two babes. and tomorrow, my firstborn will be two years old. wow. the combination is enough to make me weep on a non-hormonal day. but throw in the hormones and i've nearly cried all day. not sad tears. just tears of sweet overwhelming love.

today we went to the doctor - all four of us (i count the one in my womb as a whole being). and we heard our little one's heartbeat. woosh woosh. woosh woosh.

i didn't expect it to take my breath the way it did. and the tears that found their way into my eyes kind of surprised me. not that i'm not excited about this new baby. it's just that i've had less time to ponder over the new life inside of me, like i did with loralai. time is different now. what with the endless conversations that two year old offers, all the time we pretend cooking, reading books, playing outside, singing and dancing...time is just different. but when i pray, it's still the same.

i still ask the Lord to find favor with us and bless us with a healthy and hardy baby. i'm realizing more and more what a miracle life is. and having two lives to care for is even more amazing. God thinks that Todd and i should be parents to loralai and this new baby. that's just so sweet to me - especially because i think that loralai is one of God's sweeter creations ;)

today while at the doctor's office, loralai sweetened up one of the women on their staff. and that woman so generously gave loralai a 3 inch tall teddy bear that she had sitting on her desk. made miss nancy's (that's the woman) day and it definitely made loralai's day. she kept saying, "that lady gave me a little teddy bear." and then they gave her chocolate and sitckers. who knew.

later in the day, before nap time, loralai wouldn't eat lunch. not like her. and i asked her what was wrong; why was she crying. her response, "it's because i'm tired mommy." oh. simple enough.

so at naptime we took a little time out to pray and regroup. she was just out of sorts. and i asked her if she wanted to pray first. it never ceases to amaze me the the things that come out of her heart. she said this, "thank you God for mommy. amen. thank you God for daddy. amen. thank you God for the lady who gave me my teddy bear. amen." and that was enough. she laid her head on my chest and waited for me to read a book.

at two, she has a grateful heart. now to just keep fanning that fire and praise her for that sweetness. to see love overflow from your little one's heart makes you know, for certain, that God is doing a sweet work in her.

i can't wait to see how she prays for her baby brother/sister when they get here. i bet it will go something like "thank you God for our baby. please make it stop crying. amen." and i bet the dogs will concur.

today, sweet hugs from my one year old and a heart rejoicing to God for teddy bears.

tomorrow, happy birthday songs, chocolate chip pancakes and...who knows. it's going to be great!

did you hear? we're having a baby.

2010-02-14T20:13:00.004-05:00

and i haven't blogged in months. and it's actually been kind of nice. a lot of my thoughts have stayed with me and i think that's necessary sometimes. otherwise i think you can get to a point of just thinking up stuff to write about. it's useless words. so i've taken a little hiatus from blogging. and i'm not sure if i'm back for good. but i'm back for this post, at least.

so it's true. we're pregnant. or i am, anyway ;) and just like my pregnancy with loralai, i'm nauseated more hours of the day than not. but i'm just praying that in the next few weeks all of that will pass. our due date is september 2nd. and that's a pretty sweet thing. for a long time i really wasn't a fan of septembers. the laundry list is long and it might be a little indulgent to list all of the woes out - but let's just say that a lot of loss happened in september from the time i was about 18 until 26. and so i dreaded september. especially my birthday that falls on the sixth. it wasn't until after i got married that i had a friend try to make sweet memories on my birthday, that i started to enjoy it again. that friend is my husband. and he always does his best to make my birthday a relaxing time. and while i know that being happy about some things is just a plain choice, i'd be lying to you if i said that the old memories didn't creep in on my birthday. so sometimes it's just a choice to rebuke the old memories and consciously live in the new ones happening.

when we found out the due date of our new little one, i was so happy. finally september isn't a month to think of all those old woes. God's given me a sweet new gift that was already mine but He so graciously reminded me when He gave me this baby. it's hope renewed. restored. and maybe our baby won't be born in september - maybe it will be an august baby. but for the next six months, our eyes are fixed on september 2nd. and that is a beautiful thing. to think about a time that used to bring pain and to envision the glory that will unfold surrounding it...i just smile.

and loralai. well i asked her one night what we should name the baby (and no i won't reveal the baby's name. you won't know that until it's safely in my arms.) and she said that Potato would be a good name. aaah. Potato. what a sweet name.

and speaking of loralai. she turns two this coming friday. it seems like yesterday that i was crushing a plastic bedpan while trying to pee lying on my back during the midst of an induction. 1. that's a story for another day (and yes it's hilarious) and 2. they should never tell a pregnant woman that she can't go pee for 8 hours. (seriously!) but anyway, my baby is a toddler. a talking sweet toddler. i would name the words she says but i can't count them. we carry on conversations like old friends. she just talks - a lot. and her heart is growing in sweet sweet new ways. we've been praying with her a lot. reading her the Psalms and telling her the stories about God's people. about the people that Jesus was friends with - the people that first spread the good news about salvation. and just when i think she isn't understanding, she'll open up one of her little books, point to jesus and say, "that's MY Jesus." and yes. yes it is.

at night loralai has been waking up a bit crying. it's a hard thing to discern, at this age, why she's crying. regardless, todd and i believe that our greatest protection against bad dreams, fear, anything, is the armor of God. though while loralai is still young, we know that her armor is the protection of the holy spirit - the spirit she has yet to accept. but God says that he protects the young - that it's under his wing that we find refuge - that he is ever present in our time of need (which is always. hello.). so we've been talking to loralai a lot about all of these things. and the other night, overly tired, while putting her to bed, todd says the same thing to her that we've been saying for a while. he tells her that mommy and daddy can't come in tonight if she wakes...and she fills in the blank where we normally continue by saying, "but Jesus can. He sings me the hmmm hmmm song." (which is jesus loves me, hummed). todd said it was all he could do to not cry. it was real. just as Jesus said that when we cry out to him, he will come, he does. his promises are good.

and in the quiet of night when our little one reaches out in fear. when she musters up the courage and faith to ask Jesus to help her go back to sleep, it is Him who comes to her and sings her a lullaby back to sleep. only i'm certain that he says, I love you. This I know. For I've always told you so. Little ones to Me, you belong, you are weak but I am strong....

can you imagine being sung a lullaby by the King of Kings?

i bet you that He's willing to sing a beautiful sweet melody into our hearts, if we'll just still ourselves long enough to muster up the courage and faith to receive Him.

Psalm 91:14-16
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

...and this is how we pray with loralai. not that it's a perfect equation. but just an idea of something to do if you're new to praying with your little one. we just plug her name in to where the Psalm is talking about God's people and how He loves them. and the fruit is great. covering your children in the Truth is a mighty shield that will protect them now and in the days and years to come.

"Because Loralai loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue her;
I will protect Loralai, for she acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ Loralai will call upon me, and I will answer her;
I will be with Loralai in trouble,
I will deliver Loralai and honor her.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy Loralai
and show her my salvation."

learning to love.

2009-11-12T14:14:00.004-05:00

we have a little girl. i know you know that. but she is such a little girl. she likes to put on our shoes. she likes to put on her pretend high heel shoes that her GiGi (my mom) gave her. she likes to put on her princess tiara, to put on my shirts, to pull my hair up from behind my head and tell me "i doin yer hair mommy", to dance dance dance to music and to make her daddy's heart melt just with her smile.

we're seeing so much sweetness pour out of her little life. and she has no idea that her capacity to love is changing our hearts: todd's and mine. but she's changing us. because as he and i stand in the kitchen hugging after he comes home from work, we hear, "aaawwww. huuug." and then our little loralai runs over to us, puts her arms around both our legs and looks up and says "hug?" so we pick her up and the three of us hug.

and just when todd is least expecting it, loralai will walk over to him and hug his leg or his waist or his neck and say "aaawww." and to hear her talk to her daddy on the phone is like listening to a little girl pick up the phone to talk to her best friend. you've never heard a child talk so much - on the phone, at least. she clams up for all other people, on the phone, but not todd. nope. she gets out a book and starts "reading" it to him. saying, "see daddy? see da cow? yea? yea!" she smooches the phone, tells him she loves him and firmly reminds him to "make da bacon daddy!" he melts. i smile.

her love is constantly shifting our hearts. knowing how precious our every word is around her makes us want to love better. it makes us want to know Love better so that we can teach her, form her and be a safe place for her to land when the world is too much. a safe place to come when the questions finally start.

i know that all parents love their babies. our love probably isn't any more unique than yours, but it's ours. and we know no other baby. and i don't think that todd or i could ever imagine where our marriage would be if God hadn't given us this life that points directly back to Him.

after all, when you start making forts and teaching a little one to cook and manners and you start hearing: daddy, make a port? mommy, git in da port, ok? daddy, i need more crackas, peeeeez. thank yeeewww!: then you know that God created you for something more than just existing.

He made you to Live.

the other day i talked to loralai about being afraid. i reminded her that when she wakes in the night, that if she's afraid, to just say Jesus or to sing (or hum) the Jesus loves me song. and two nights ago, around 4a.m., i heard our sweet one wake from sleep and cry. but i waited. and from the monitor i heard the most angelic sound. it was the voice of the baby i carried in my womb and she was sweetly humming Jesus loves me.

and so she and i both fell back asleep to the reminder of the love of Jesus.

and just because i think it will make you smile:

a love letter.

2009-10-31T14:01:00.005-04:00

this blog isn't so much a blog as it is a copy and paste. it's a letter i wrote to family and friends, yesterday. and it's about a friend of mine, our church, and our Jesus. and it's a beautiful story of redemption. i hope it, and the video linked, will somehow move you one step closer to Love. He's waiting.

---------------

hi everyone,
i have some good news i want to share with you.
last weekend in wilmington was something else. as a matter of fact, my heart is pounding as i write this to you. so here's what went down. and where ever you stand right now, please just hear me (read me) out. know my motives and my heart as your friend, and then let what i have to say and what you hear, following, soak in. it's surely to change you.

in 1997, i had the sweet privilege to meet a girl who i thought was a total california cheerleader dyed blonde goof. well ok, she was all of those things. but she was more. she was hilarious, insanely intelligent, beautiful, tender-hearted and loyal. it's one of those hindsight things where you look back ten+ years later and know for sure and certain that it was no coincidence in your meeting. our lives didn't happenstance on the other's. we were 17. and last sunday, we were thirty. it was her birthday. and in so many ways, it was her BIRTH day.

we roomed together for a while in college but then went our separate ways. i was saved then and wasn't walking but i did have some convictions. though they were probably weak at best, one of them was to not mess with drugs. hard drugs. and i walked away from that living situation broken. i remember grieving her because our friendship pretty much dissolved after our rooming situation changed. i can't wrap my words around what is in my heart and what i want to share with you. so please bare with my loss for words. and forgive me if i lose you in any of this or if things don't tie together. but this is the truth.

i called her carter. and when i moved back to wilmington, after having been gone for the better part of four years (post-college), our lives merged again. there i was working with her. side-by-side. we made decisions together, walked together, she took care of my maddie dog when i went back and forth to winston as my grandad was dying. our friendship rekindled - as did my walk with the Lord. God brought me back to Port City church. and my spirit was refreshed with God's word. the friends i thought i would be hanging out with when i moved back to wilmington weren't who i found myself with. instead, God did something totally different to me. He pushed me toward things i was uncomfortable with. making new friends. but carter, she stayed constant. and she started to ask questions. she asked questions about God.

and it would be another two years, after she was married and i was married, that God would grip her in a way that neither of us - anyone - thought He would grip her. in her deepest grief, after losing her baby, she didn't find answers in Oprah, or a song or "in time you'll get through this" but God. it was somewhere in the quiet of her tears that she whispered for the Lord to please be near, and He was. in fact, He was always near. He was just waiting for her call. for her to recognize the Love that He was. and her life changed.

i don't know if i've ever seen a transformation, in a life, so intimately than i've seen in carter. to walk with her now is so different. to say that i'm blessed by her friendship is so small. but i don't know another word other than blessed that falls under the scope of the holiness of the One who saved us both and redeemed us from sin. i laugh so hard with carter. we share tears when we worry over our girls. we push each other in our roles as wives and direct each other back to God when our perspective is skewed. to call her my sister is an answered prayer. she is comfort and genuine and loving and kind and courageous. because for years she carried a secret. few knew of what her college experience looked like, at times. but on sunday, her thirtieth birthday, the tenth anniversary of our church's existence, she stood before a crowd of witnesses, two thousand or more in size, and publicly professed victory over something that once held her in bondage by guilt and fear and regret. but now she stands completely refreshed, redeemed and no longer identifies with her past but rather with who she really is. she is a child of a God. God's daughter. and living free.

i say all of this (i know. it's a lot.) because if it even impacts one of you, then that's enough. but most of you know her. you'll recognize her and her husband when you see her in this video. http://www.vimeo.com/7315415
most of your call her hilary. but the blessed of you can now call her Sister. because if you are in Christ, then that is who she is to you. and what a blessing that is. i hope that the rest of the testimonies that you see will transform you - will soften your heart and ready you.

our Lord loves you. whether you want Him to or not, He does.

God's peace,
Ashley

over us.

2009-10-26T14:58:00.006-04:00

this past sunday at our church, a beautiful thing happened. we celebrated ten years of our church being a church and doing just what God does - using the ordinary for something extraordinary. because He is extraordinary.

i don't know, really, how to explain what church was like on sunday. it really was one of those days that you had to be there for what took place to really resonate with your spirit. but i want to share a little glimpse of what it was like to sit there and be a part of that day of worship.

when i was 19 i went to Port City Community Church for the first time. i was a believer, saved, but not walking. and i remember that i enjoyed church. it was engaging and fun. and it was the only church i visited more than once, while in college. and i moved away for some time after college and when i returned, God called me back to Port City. i can't explain it. i just remember not wanting to go to that church and yet knowing that it would be dumb of me to not try it again, at least, just once more. and so for about five years now, it's been my church home. to just say that makes me happy. i've never had a church where i called home. and it's a privilege to call Port City home.

so on sunday we had a guest speaker come - a great man of faith from Africa with whom our church walks with and helps in their efforts to build up God's kingdom in Kenya. to hear pastor jackson's account of faith - how and why he came to Port City - i don't know the words. it was just amazing. let's just say that he heard God's calling, sold his car, got on an airplane, flew into the united states and then phoned our pastor and basically said, "i'm coming to you. to my people." our pastor laughed - we couldn't be his people...we had no money. we were a tiny church then. but we were. God had spoken it.

and isn't it so - when God wants it to be, it will be. small, big, short, skinny, fat, speech impediment, shy, loud...He uses it all.

on Sunday, He used it all.

i won't tell with visual clarity, because I know that she will want to tell it, explicitly, eventually. but this is the truth of what we experienced. on sunday, i watched a girl, a woman, a friend of mine who i met when i was 17, glorify God so boldly along side her husband that i didn't cry. i wept. and it was tears of excitement and grief and joy and overwhelming love. she displayed her testimony and the victory that God's grace gave to her life in a way that i will never forget. i screamed a hallelujah cheer as loud as my voice would carry from my seat as she showed the world that the enemy has no hold over her life. but that through God's love and mercy and truth - she is free.

and as we sang in a body of worship to our Lord, i felt it. the presence of God's Holy Spirit was so potent and holy and sweet.

the only thing i can compare it to is when God first created the world and He said that
¹ In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

² Now the earth was ^a]">[a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

....in that sweet room of worship, it's true, the spirit of the living God was hovering over His creation. and it was good.

in the presence of God, it is good. in His presence, there is rest. and it is good. in His arms, there is comfort and protection. it is good. He is our shield. our refuge. our salvation.

and my shoulders relaxed. it was love.

2009-10-14T18:14:00.003-04:00

one christmas, back in the day, i think i was 14 or 15, our family got a new computer. and it had a microphone and speakers. i know. crazy high tech stuff! but it was back then. and it even had a cd player. and that christmas i got a deanna carter cd. oh if you don't know her - just sing real sweet and soft and add some country twang to your voice and there you have it. i loved her cd. strawberry wine.

and so there i was in our rec room - the third floor that my dad transformed into a play/rec room - listening to the cd. and up walks my grandad. you had to walk through our guest room to get to the stairs to our rec room. so naturally after eating a big christmas breakfast, grandad needed a nap. but who gets a nap when a teenager is listening to country music just up the stairs off your bedroom? so he just came on up to see what the music was all about. and without judging or smirking, he just sat down on our futon that was laid in the position of a beach reclining chair. he laid back and fell asleep. but do you know what he fell asleep to? me singing through the microphone. little 15 year old me singing my heart out along with deanna carter. i remember being shy but he didn't say anything and i think his silence just made it possible for me to sing through the silliness and just keep enjoying our new christmas present. our computer (that likely took up the entire desk it sat on: the screen, that is).

and then there were the years that i moved to high point, nc which put me only 20 minutes from grandad's house - then in advance, nc. and i would stop by for lunch or to visit on the weekends or for dinner or whenever - and even if he was in his robe, or just eating breakfast, or settling in for a nap, he never turned me away. ever. he always said with a big loud voice "hello ashley!!" and if he wasn't already snug in bed, he always stood and walked my way and greeted me with a kiss. but my favorite was the time that i tried on a dress for him - when he took me shopping with my mom - and he was stunned by how pretty he thought the dress looked on me that he walked over to me and kissed me softly right on the soft place between your collar bone and your neck.

i don't know what love for a grandbaby is - but i know what love for my grandad is. and it still rolls on. and i want that for my babies. for my love to always roll on.

but how do you know? how do you know if you're loving right? i think that's a check you make with God. i think that's something you ask of Him to search in you. and He will. and gently, when he readies you, He'll show you where you're lacking and how to love more. you just have to ask and be open for the correction and teaching.

last week, though, i got a glimpse of something sweet. and it reminded me of grandad lying on that futon and of the sweetness of his kiss on my neck. but it came from my little one.

she was tired at the end of a day. and while i held her with her legs straddling my belly, she put her head on my chest and said, "mommy, sing the hmm hmmm song." i was confused because i didn't know what the hmm hmm song was. at first. but then she started humming and it was clear. the first three notes she hummed were clear - the rest, not so much - and i knew what she wanted. she wanted me to hum Jesus Loves Me.

every night as todd or i are putting Loralai to bed, or nap time, we hum Jesus Loves Me one time through and then lay her down. and when she tuckered out one day, that's all she needed. that little sweetness that reminded her of where it was safe to rest. and while i hummed holding my first born in our hallway, staring at prego pictures of myself, i just sighed. what a gift.

what a precious insight into the heart of my baby and into the gift that God is giving me.

God asks us to create a safe place for our children. a place where they can grow in security, in comfort, in peace. a place of correction that is gentle and not demeaning. a place where they can be silly and themselves when they might hold back in the world.

my grandad did that with me. he loved me even when i was singing some silly country song. and he kissed me and greeted me with affection that made me feel like the most special girl.

i want to do that for my children. let them grow and be and kiss them and love them so that they always feel beautiful. because no matter what the world calls them, i want them to know that all that matters is that they are their Savior's beloved. and that's enough.

and that understanding of love will first come from the ones that God has given them to. us.

what a privilege.

i'm not twenty.

2009-09-08T19:46:00.005-04:00

i'm definitely not twenty. and i'll tell you how i know. at twenty i did things like: drink a lot, party a lot, listen to music loudly, ignore God daily, retail therapy, go to the beach by myself whenever i wanted, and didn't stare in the mirror at growing wrinkles or gray hairs.

because at thirty. things have changed. and thank goodness for that.

i didn't realize how much i had changed in ten years until i realized how much i changed in ten years. i know. very profound sentence. but it's true.

at thirty, i'm: married, a mother, walking with God, a stay-at-home mom, i have two dogs, laundry to do, a house to keep up, in-laws, a blog (ha.), i rarely shop unless it's for food, the husband or the daughter, i rarely go to the beach alone (as a matter of fact i've been two times without child in the past year), but i love going to the beach now because it means seashells and wowing over birds and waves and God's creation, and i listen to music but it's most always a form of worship music and if not, or if so, it's never super loud because almost always at the end of a day i have a headache from talking so much to my favorite little girl and who needs to promote a headache earlier than need be?

so that's that. thirty years have come and gone. and time passed and in that time God has done what He said he was going to do - help the old me go away and the new me grow. though i'm not done growing yet. and that's a good thing.

so let me tell you quickly about my birthday weekend.
friday night, todd took me out to eat. i suspected a surprise of some sort. but he assured me that he wasn't slick enough to pull off a surprise. and so when we made it to our restaurant and sat at a table for two and i looked all around and saw no one i knew; i figured that it really would just be a sweet dinner for two. but about 5-10 minutes later, while i was looking at the menu...in walks my mom, my brother and my sister-n-law with huge smiles on their faces. and my face, well i just had my jaw hanging wide open. i was speechless. and totally taken. it was awesome!

we have a really small family. it's just me, my brother and my mom on my side of the family. a long time ago, my dad's side of the family stopped keeping in touch with us; so our extended family shrunk quite a bit. so now when birthdays or holidays come around, we always want to be together. i just can't really put words on how sweet it was to see the three of them walk through the door. i felt so special. and so surprised! they all (ok, my brother didn't b/c he never talked to me before coming to town) LIED to me to get here. my mom told me she was sick - that she was running a fever. her thought was that if i thought she was sick, then i would surely think she was staying at home because there's no chance that she's going to travel if sick. BUT, she told me she was feeling yucky the day AFTER she had told me that an assistant teacher at the school where she is based had died of flu related symptoms. so for 2 days i cried over my mom. and PRAYED so hard. i had her dying of swine flu within 24 hours. i had todd holding me in bed while i cried and he prayed for her. that woman. sheesh. when it was all said and done, it was really pretty funny. and she felt terrible for my being so upset but it worked and they pulled a big surprise off :) [on a real note, though, there really was a woman who died at her school, so if you would lift up her family. it was a sudden death. and i know that grief must be heavy.]

me and my sweet mama.

birthday cake number 1

the sweet loveable liars. :)

on saturday, todd, loralai and i got up and went to the beach for half of the day. i love going to the beach with them. it's just the best. and morning beach trips are better than anything - coffee, cool breeze, then the sun pokes out, you warm up, play and then head home for lunch. ...but while todd took the short one back to put money in the meter, i called my mom to tell her thank you, again, for coming. and as i was talking to her, i realized something. i had my bikini bottoms on inside out! oh heaven help me. as i was telling mom my revelation, she said, "well is the white panty liner thing showing?!" GASP. it wasn't. thank you jesus that i was wearing a black suit and there wasn't one of those little liners. and you couldn't so much tell that it was inside out other than the dang TAG flapping in the breeze. todd suggested i go in the ocean and do the 'ole switcharoo of the suit. no thanks. i opted to not chance losing my britches to the ocean's current and just wear my inside out embarrassment.

proof that i was there. that i drank coffee. that i wore a black bathing suit. did you reeeeaaally think i was going to show you the tag flapping in the breeze? come on now. ;)

they have deep conversations.

that afternoon i went on a shopping spree - by myself. i haven't been to a club in years. but after walking through Forever 21, i felt like i might as well have thrown back a few shots. that store is insane. and i think that my thirty-ness completely rolled its eyes at the nonsense going on in there. when my phone ring is on high and i can't hear it over the noise, that's just silly. so i left.

but i didn't leave the mall empty-handed. i have a few pieces of clothes to wear that are cool (i guess) and don't shout mommy or 'hey i used to be able to fit into this pre-baby and now i'm just wearing it because it's all i have and i know it's uncool but, really, it's all i have'. now my clothes will just shout "hi. i'm new. thanks."

and so with saturday came birthday cake number 2. from todd and loralai. and why todd felt the need to make such a silly rhyme? i don't know. i think that to know todd is to know his odd and silly, yet sometimes confusing, humor. and that cake was delicious. i think the great american cookie cake is my favorite of all time.

it says: what's that little birdie? ashley's thirty? love you!

sunday was my actual birthday. (so that you know, i have never celebrated my bday for three days in a row. and have never felt the need to really celebrate my bday very much at all. so this was new for me and i actually really liked it). and i don't remember the last time my birthday was on a sunday. it was probably in my early twenties - when i wasn't walking with the Lord. so sunday, at church, on my birthday - now that was special. that pretty much took the cake. or made the cake taste even chocolate chippier. it was a beautiful day.

and i'm glad i'm not in my twenties anymore. i know that more change is to come. that's just part of this life. but i'm glad that the twenties are behind me. they were a huge time of change: i fell in love, out of love, lost a grandad, my dad, got married, had a baby, moved towns and houses three times...

i'd like to think that thirty will set the tone for a little bit of steadiness. if nowhere else, at least a little more steadiness as i keep walking forward with God. all things around us might spiral, but God remains the same.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. hebrews 13:8

on another note, loralai started potty training today. she pooped in the potty and peed four times in the potty. the floor. it was peed on four times as well. we read a lot. talked a lot. did lots of happy dances. ate lots of m&m's to reward the potty going. and i'll blog soon to let you know if the potty training is still in training after a few more days of this rodeo. this mama is whooped. and that kid, is so precious.

all i am is all i have

2009-09-01T19:50:00.003-04:00

i've been listening to a song lately: alabaster box: and at first i just enjoyed listening to it and singing along. it's got a sweet melody and Loralai really liked singing the "la la la la" part - so i kept it on repeat while we would drive around town. but the more i've listened to it, the more it's taken on new meaning to me. the more that God has revealed Himself to me.

the lyrics go something like this:
all i am is all i have
all i have, all i have to give
and i give it all to You

it's my fragrant oil
it's my costly perfume
i'll take my alabaster box and i break it open
let the fragrance arise

let the fragrance arise

so take every song
every spoken word
all of my dance
all of my rhyme
i give it all to You

it's my fragrant oil
it's my costly perfume
i take my alabaster box
and i
i break it open

let the fragrance arise

....

and that's where it gets me. at first i was remembering the story about the woman who opened her alabaster jar and annointed Jesus prior to his death. i kept thinking about what a sacrifice it must have been for this woman to empty her jar of her costly perfume. the scented oils that could have gained her money for her family, she chose to pour out Jesus. i kept listening to this song thinking, 'wow. that woman was awesome.'

i mean really, there are so many things that i cling tightly to. and it's just stuff. like clothes, extra ice cream in the fridge (i mean let's be real), jewelry, art i've collected or done over the years, my car. there are things that i know it would be hard for me to hand over. to anyone. and that's kind of hard to say. to think that if i was asked to give away an extra tub of ice cream and i have to think twice about it, that pretty much stinks. i think that shouts that i'm a weeee bit stingy. but maybe the better thing would be to think that while i might have to think twice about it, what would i do? would i give up the car, the clothes, the house, the stuff...if someone else needed it?

would the fragrance arise?

all i am is all i have. and all i have, i'd give it all to You.
but would i? i'm hoping so. i'm working on that. and i'm realizing something. and that is, that it's becoming so much more clear to me, and apparent, that when i'm gone, it will only be how i opened my alabaster box and gave of my costly perfume that people will remember the fragrance.

the scent of love.

how else are we going to show the world the love of God if we cling so tightly to our stuff? or even more, our talents. i told todd lately that i just feel like i don't have a pat on the back feeling for doing a good job. and i do a good job at what i do, i think. but i think the part that's missing is that there's something else that God wants me to do. He wants me to use my talents. the gifts only He has given me. but what are they? that's where i need to press in to Him.

it will be then, when i start using my gifts, that my alabaster box can really start pouring out. so for right now, if you get an extra tub of ice cream from me, or some hand-me-down clothes, or an extra roll of paper towel, or a meal cooked, or a hug, or an email...know that i'm pouring out all that i have right now. because, right now, it's all i have to give. and i'll give it all for the glory of God.

and so as i think about a friend of mine whose precious week old baby girl is awaiting the diagnosis of possible meningitis, i wonder what it is that we can pour out? and i think it's love. love in the form of beseeching God to go before the doctors, the nurses, to remove any infection, to be near the baby's parents, to cover them in his protective wing...that the power of our prayers would be so loud and strong that what would arise would be a scent of Love so sweet. love so sweet that it stains the heart of this little baby forever so that when she's older and gives her heart to the Lord that she can recall those first days when she first felt love.

what is in us is enough and it's all that God asks of us. that we give of ourselves fully to Him so that He can do a work fully in us for the sake of His Kingdom.

i hope you enjoy the listen and will please lift up our dear friends' little baby, madeline.

a new reason for love

2009-08-27T20:29:00.006-04:00

I've written and rewritten a blog three different times tonight. And I keep wondering why I can't write more than a few paragraphs without getting annoyed about what I'm saying. And I realized that I wasn't being real.

So here's real.

A friend of mine's wife just had their first baby - a girl. She's perfect and beautiful and full of new life. New hope. And I look at my walking, talking, silly 18month old little girl (not so much a baby anymore) and I find myself actually missing those first few sleepless months. I don't so much miss the sleeplessness as I miss the newness of it all. It was indescribable to look at the life that Todd and I had created, the actual tangible gift that God had given us. And while I still look at her in awe, something is different. My love for her has changed. And it's stronger and different and evolving. And I'm pretty certain that's how God wants it to be.

But with every milestone or change in her life, in my life, in our life as a family, I can't help but wonder. I never thought my wonder would go so long and deep for him. I never thought I'd find days when I was desperate just to hear his voice saying "Ashley Mac" in just that way that only he could say. And when I call Loralai "boogs" it's only because it's a natural nickname that I had no intention of giving her but continued to slip from my lips and so it is. But it was his name for me. And I miss hearing him say it.

I just flat out miss my dad. And some days I cry a stinking river of tears missing him.

There are so many days that while I'm talking to God, I just ask Him to walk over to dad and give him a hug from me. I know it's not necessary. For heaven's sake, my dad is in eternal splendor in the presence of the King. The last thing he needs is a hug from me (praise God!). But there are some days that I'm pretty sure I could use a hug from him. So it's these days that I have to press in to God all the harder.

My thirtieth birthday is creeping up in about a week. I know. You're surprised. There you were thinking that I couldn't be older than 25. Well, you were wrong. You mistook my beautiful gray highlights for blonde ones. Blonde they are not. But with my birthday is just a tinge of missing dad. I can't remember the last time I said "dad" out loud. That just seems weird to me. I suppose it is a little bit. But not to God. Because none of this, these thirty years, is a surprise to Him. In fact, when He was creating me in my mother's womb, He knew that all of this would happen. He chose my parents for me, the town that I would be born in. He chose Bill and Kay to be dad and mom. And he knew the choices they would both make and that I would make. He knew that dad would struggle with a different sin than the rest of us. He knew that the natural ramifications of dad's sin would look different than ours. That his would set him apart.

My dad was set apart. And he was apart from God for a long time. But by grace he was saved. And because of that, I rejoice in my current suffering. Because I know that suffering produces perseverance and perseverance produces character and character produces hope. And hope doesn't disappoint because of the love God poured out to us in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. And how can I grieve to deeply or dive to far into self-pity when I know that I have forever to sit with my Father and my dad. I rejoice in the hope that God has given me because I know that what God chose for me was good. It was best.

He chose a dad for me who chose best. Ultimately, dad chose best. He chose God.

And so now I have a beautiful thing to teach my children. I get to tell Loralai about what it looks like to choose God and what it looks like to live apart from God. And God gave me a story close to my heart to show Loralai what love is. For the rest of the generations to follow after me, our children and our children's children, will know what love is. They'll finally understand what it is to see the face of their children. To hold them for the first time. To look at the eyes, and sweet mouths and thick thighs and stare in awe of the creation that God knitted in their mother's wombs and fire will be ignited. They'll know the story of all of those who went before them and chose hope. Those who chose Love. Those who chose to let go of their sin, of the things of this world that were binding them from letting loose and letting Jesus live inside of them.

And so the newness of loving my baby, my toddler, is restored. It's just changed. I don't look at the eyes and nose and mouth of my newly created infant in wonder of creation as much as I used to. Because now I look at her and think - from the lips of my mouth she will hear life or death. My motherhood will help a child chosen to be mine, choose. And choose Love.

I pray that all of us use our lives to help foster Love into our children so that they might receive the love of God.

His eyes were so blue, his hands so beautiful, his hair so black, his voice so dad. And I miss him. But I rejoice in knowing that loving him for 27 years, here was fine. Because forever with him will be even sweeter.

Romans 5 (suffering)
Jeremiah 1 (being set apart)
Luke 10 (choosing)
Proverbs 18 (power of our words)

the snake and the witnesses

2009-08-07T10:40:00.005-04:00

We went to the aquarium here in town a few weeks ago. And while there we learned that there is a lizard with no legs. Not the cute little green lizards that turn brown or if brown turn green. But the lizards that are fat and cold and have a stripe down their back. Are you following me? Ok, so picture one of those guys but with no legs. Now, are you picturing a snake? If you are, that's exactly what these legless lizards look like, AND that's what I thought snakes were anyway. But I guess not. And I'd never seen a legless lizard until this aquarium encounter and told Todd that I would probably freak out if I saw one of those in real life.

Y'all, don't you know that God set me up?! What are the odds that a flippin' legless lizard would live in our new yard? Obviously fairly high because mister legless himself lives here! Uggh. Todd and a friend of his spotted Legless the other day - and my considerate husband gave me fair warning. But we have lizards at our old house and no warning is needed. Lizards see you, they move. They never stick around to let you pet them. Well I suppose when you gain 5 ounces and you lose your legs, you're slower than the average four-legged lizard. Because upon my walk across the backyard the other night, I so freakishly stepped on Legless. He then wrapped himself around my ankle in an attempt to kill me, I'm sure, but I being 100+ pounds heavier and more swift than he, jumped about 3 feet in the air, screamed a big Wooo hoooo ooooohh!!! and ran. And when I looked back, I caught a glimpse as Legless slithered (ran) into the azalea bushes.

So that you know, I was alone. No one witnessed my woo hooo shouting or got to laugh at my jump and running dance. And while I'm sure it was funny - cause really, it was - it was all the same NOT funny. Dang snake wannabe.

And yesterday as the little one and I planted some flowers in the backyard, two beautiful women walked up to me asking if they could talk to me for a second. I'm guessing you know what women these are. Because unless you're the mailman or a neighbor or someone who's car has broken down, let's face it, people don't just come walking into a person's backyard to chit chat.

So after offering me a Watchtower pamphlet about Jehovah's Witnesses, I smiled. Oh I was so happy. After all, God did make it clear that this house and land we live on and in is His promised land for Todd and I - it is His place to make a new impact. And as they walked onto our land, I thought "well welcome to the Promised Land y'all. welcome." We had an awesome conversation where I lovingly challenged them to rethink their belief that there is no final heavenly dwelling and that only a certain number do enter a paradise. I reminded them that if they did believe in Jesus that he said, "Come to me All who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest." He did not say 'come to me you 100 or 1,000.' He said come to me ALL. Our Lord does not discriminate. He asks that we simply acknowledge that Jesus is savior and that his death and resurrection are complete and allow full access into the grace that is eternal life in heaven.

The Jehovah's Witnesses believe a whole different set of understandings of what the Trinity is - of who God is and who He says He is. And after listening to them and us going back and forth they said that they had to go because they had alllll of these other houses to get to. And I told them that they should stay and be diligent to give me the evidence that their way is The Way. They were hesitant and insisted that they had to leave. So I told them that when they were going on their way to witness to other people that their time was a waste. If they didn't think that one lost sheep - their thought: me - wasn't worth fighting for, then all they were doing was walking the streets and passing out pamphlets. Not fighting for their faith. I also told them that they needed to get a copy of the King James bible (b/c they said the Bible had changed so much over time and that theirs was the correct version - and they agreed that the King James was the first. whatever. i'll take it.) - but i asked them to get a copy of it and compare it to their Bible. To look at the differences - b/c y'all, the wording is subtle and yet the meaning is huge - and then to pray to the One True God and ask Him to reveal Truth to them. They said they would. So will you pray with me that these two women will, even if they don't get a copy of the Word, pray to the one true God for revelation of His Truth?

Remember, eternity was set in our hearts and in us (all of us) is a desperate longing to know our Creator. Wherever we are in our lives, let's pray to the One True God for direction of what Truth is.

And let's remember that the snake is always creeping in the garden - and sometimes his disguise is so so so minute that it makes us think that it's just a lizard or that someone who knocks on your front door trying to profess that God is someone other than He says he is, is annoying. They aren't annoying. They're just confusing the snake for a lizard. The harmful as harmless. And they need to know who Love is.

well hey there. wanna read?

2009-08-03T20:22:00.004-04:00

man. has it been a while since i've posted or what?! let me catch you up.

it starts here. new chaos.
when i posted last, i think that we were in the midst of figuring out when we would move and i was figuring out a toddler's new nap life. and i did all of this napping research (mainly because we were in napping hysteria and i was losing my mind with a sleepless child) and learned that this whole sleep transition could take two to six months. i was confused. all of my friends were like 'oh yeeeaaa, she'll be sleeping 2-3 hour naps in a week. well, two months later and we're just getting there. some days it's an hour and a half...some days an hour (sigh)...and some days two or three hours. so we're doing well. now.

but it started here:
the day that she decided that her green crayon was her favorite. i told her that she was not allowed to eat her crayon but coloring with it was ok. she agreed. but as i stood in the bathroom and was greeted with a toddler who said, "i eat cay-on mommy!"...i knew that she either was being defiant or hadn't understood our earlier agreement. either way, i laughed inside, and sat her hiney in hallway timeout where she kept insisting it was time to "git up mommy?" ...after a kiss and hug and a teeth washing that left the toothbrush green, we moved on. as we're continuing to do daily.
this summer has been full of lessons all around the board. in our marriage and in parenting. and i'm learning - relearning - some essential truths.

and those truths start here:

and here:
in the obvious gifts that God has given me. my family. my two brown-eyed sweeties. and now, our new house. our promised land straight from the hand of God. and i mean that. the enemy was working hard to get us to not close on our house. but close we did. only we ended up closing on our old house two weeks after we were scheduled to. oh y'all, it was a war and God won and we declared that we are NOT grasshoppers! and we will not be afraid because our God has gone before us and declared this life, this land, is his gift to us and we will walk forward in it with thanks and bless others because He blessed us.

isn't that something?
isn't this something?

and can i tell you somethings that might seem silly to you? well you can't tell me not to, so i'm going to. it actually smells like home. isn't that weird? i mean outside does. and it's not that i was trying, or am trying, to recreate my childhood home but there was something so incredibly sacred about that house and land where i grew up. and still, i can hear the sounds of the bugs in the woods. i can feel the wind and see the sunrise that i looked at every morning as i got ready for school. and as i stood in my backyard the other day, i had to catch my breath. i heard the bugs again. (y'all are saying, "ashley, we call those crickets." but it's not crickets. it's a special chorus that sings at night. and it's here.) and the wind, it blows just the same as the lane i grew up on. and after the grass was cut the other day, i nearly cried. i swear that if i closed my eyes and opened them, i was going to see my dad walking towards me all sweaty from working outside, and i would see my mom bent over plucking weeds and my brother washing his tan ford ranger. but i opened and all i saw was green grass. our green grass. on the street where God planted our new roots. and in the yard where loralai will look up and see her daddy all sweaty from working in the yard, from building her swingset. where she'll see her mama planting flowers and working in the garden. where she'll play with her brother or sister. where the dogs will play and love will grow. and she'll get to smell and feel the same love that God gave me when i was just a girl - only on a different street, but in His same creation. isn't it beautiful?

don't you ever just look at the sunset and think - vladik sees that.

vladik is my dear friend's belarussian son. he comes to stay with her family for six weeks in the summer to recover from nuclear fallout. and while getting fat on wholesome foods and being taken care of by doctors who donate their services, he hears the word of Life. God spoke to sweet Vladik for the past two years (and surely the prior 8) of his life through Carie and Mitchell and all the believers who loved on him while he lived in north carolina. and five days before sweet Vladik was scheduled to fly back to Belarus, he accepted Jesus as his savior. i'll never forget the phone call from Carie. she was crying like a little girl - more like a mama who just witnessed her first child accept salvation. i can't imagine the fullness in her heart - but i could hear it in her voice and i couldn't help but laugh a giddy little laugh with her. ...and so the search was on for a russian bible for vladik. Carie kicked herself for not having gotten him a bible prior to his coming this summer, but i'm certain that God didn't urge her to get the bible so that she could see a miracle happen. because after all, watching Him intervene in our search for a bible was WAY cooler than going to the bookstore and picking one up and wrapping it in pretty paper.

follow this: carie calls and says that vladik is saved and asks that i'll pray with her that we'll somehow find a way to get vladik a russian translated bible so that he will have a version of the Word that he can read. after searching for a few hours, online, for a bible, i called her to tell her what i found. but we were discouraged because it was going to take at least 4 days to get here (and that was the overnight system). weird right? after i hung up with her, i had a major ah ha! moment. God reminded me of an old friend. a friend of my dad's. my dad and mom had a couple that they were good friends with - they had a cottage at the river near ours - so we grew up with them - and their daughter became a missionary. can you guess where she does her mission work? eastern europe: bulgaria, poland, russia. I couldn't believe i hadn't thought of her sooner. so after emailing her to ask her if she knew where we could find a bible to have overnighted, she emailed me back. and i mean RIGHT back. i hadn't talked to her in years and God reconnected us in an instant. what i didn't expect was what she did for vladik. she found a bible. the correct translation (because she knew what translation was correct having lived in that area). and had it overnighted to carie's house. the part that, at first, made us sad was that it arrived just hours after vladik's flight left. but the beautiful part. oh just wait...

our fear was that stuffing a bible in a ten year old's travel bag and making it through customs into a dictator-led nation would make for trouble for our sweet vladik. so God eased our fears, calmed our hearts and did something even greater. he delayed the overnight, missing vladik's delivery and instead is going to deliver the bible by other means. Vladik's translator from 2008 was in raleigh this summer. so carie and mitchell delivered vladik's bible to that translator who will enter their home country with the bible - able to defend why she has it if asked in customs - and she will take a two hour bus ride out into the country to deliver the bible to Vladik. can you imagine a bible being hand delivered to you by your sister in Christ? or by your sister in Christ whom you've never met but has poured God's ministry into your country for years (years, even, before you were born) only to see the fruit of her labor coming to light?! can you imagine the conversation that will follow as the translator enters Vladik's home...that the translator will get to smile as she hands Vladik the bible and tell him how God used his people in extraordinary ways simply because God loves Vladik SO much that he wanted him to have a copy of His word.

now that is love.

and when loralai woke up from her nap on Sunday afternoon and the first words out of her mouth were "wadik? wadik home?" I said, "yes baby. vladik went home." and so we prayed for him. we asked God to form Vladik's heart after His own - and to protect him and seal him with His word of life.

God's creation - i stand on it and breathe it in and smell it and smile knowing that the promised land given to us is a reminder of how much He loves us. and i look at the sunset and i see the stars and i think 'vladik sees this too'.

God, you are everywhere.

oh my days...part two

2009-06-23T19:46:00.002-04:00

i know all of my readers (all two or three of you) are wondering what in the world is taking me so long to post again. or maybe you're wondering how the sweltering heat is working itself out with all of my fun doggy diesel truck adventures. oh the thrills of being a stay-at-home mom who's trying to sell a house and nap a baby and grocery shop and cook and stay cheery and manage to exercise and remember to put on deodorant and brush her teeth...daily.

well here's your update. our house is sold. well, not sold like we have the buyer's check in hand. but sold as in the contract is signed and we had our inspection today. and the inspector said that he found only minor things that we'll have to fix. praise the Lord, we don't have buy a new roof. wheew. and the beautiful thing about our buyers is that they were/are going to let us rent back from them for up to six months (allowing us time to find a house to buy). but as God would have it, we found a house. and that contract is signed too. and here's the even more beautiful thing. (back story: we've been house hunting/looking for over a year now but didn't feel peace about putting our house on the market and even worked with a designer and got drawings done of an addition to our current house. we wanted to exhaust all possibilities before selling. so we just kept taking small next steps.) ok, back the beautiful thing. Todd went to costa rica, in may, for a men's retreat. and when he came back he said that he felt like we were going to sell our house. but he didn't know when we should put it on the market -he was still working out that detail with God. but what he did know was that he felt certain that God had told him that we would have a new house by July 24th. i'd be lying if i said i doubted what he told me - i mean, that meant that in two months we would have a new house. two months. right? right. so about a week and a half after todd's return, we put the house on the market. and the chaos began. (please refer to oh my days part one to be reminded of said chaos.) and within a week and a half we had three offers on our house - one of which we accepted. and in that same insanely short amount of time we continued to scour the local MLS and go and visit many houses. and each time we left a house we just sighed. it was discouraging feeling like our house wasn't out there. it just wasn't. but then last tuesday, while todd was at small group, i started scouring the MLS again - as IF i'd see something different than i had a few hours before. but i did. i saw a beautiful white house with a rocking chair front porch, a huge yard, three bathrooms (not one. umm, like we have now.), and just hope. oh the hope and sweet excitement of growing our family.

i did a little drive by the next morning to just look at the house - hoping for confirmation. for a word from God. and wouldn't you know that i got busted peeking in the windows by the owner of the house. but as God would have it, i got my own personal tour of the house. our house. i say ours because it will officially (God willing the inspection on it goes smoothly and all of the next steps in finalizing everything) be ours in July. anyone care to guess what the closing date was stated as on the offer contract? right. July 24th. it wasn't requested by us, that's for sure. we got the contract in hand and todd said, "did you see the close date?" amazing.

on another note - we're working out some kinks in the ever changing world of loralai. from two naps to one. this mama has been worked. just when i need to be gone every flippin' day do to house moving appointments and stuff, my baby decides that one nap is suffice and that a grumpy attitude due to the change is just fine and dandy by her. lately she'll let out this whiney fake cry and then look straight faced at me and say, "baby sad?" and i say, "no. baby's faking. now cut that out. baby's happy." and she smiles and whines and goes about her business in a real moody girl kind of way. and then she'll have giggle fits. oh my days. that's what i say. life is so sweet with this short little talking baby. she'll say things like: "mommy ree book." "mommy cawkin' on a woephone." "maaaa-eeee! mere! gi down!"

and apparently i cussed today when loralai stepped on my toe...i said "oh gosh!! ouch." it was the most pleasant thing i could say when i felt like my baby toe was crunched in two. and she just waddled around the house saying "gosh. gosh. gosh." i'm just really glad she only hears gosh to parrott.

and on another note, i'm going to start coupon clipping and going to a cash envelope system for grocery shopping. i'm determined to be determined about doing something thrifty other than eating the baby's leftover lunch for my lunch. plus, if i write it and say it out loud i'm more likely to do it.

and on another note, i got baptized on sunday. and it was a sweet celebration. i cried my eyes out - which actually really surprised me. but, more about the baptism later.

hope all is well in your world wherever you are and that you're making room to see God move in your life.

oh my days...

2009-06-10T09:14:00.002-04:00

i have no pictures to post - they'll come later. but i do have some humor for you. my life.

we put our house on the market last week. and last friday we had our first showing. and by saturday we had an offer. we accepted. we jumped up and down and praised God for some crazy quick house selling skills. and then the offer fell through. so that you know, we didn't shout or pout at God. we just accepted that He is working out something different than what we thought was best. and usually That is the best route.

todd and i are learning a lot in this long first week of home selling. like how to keep a house spotless...because for the past three days, we have had six showings. right. that means this: get baby up in morning. feed baby breakfast. play. read books. clean house spotlessly like tazmanian devil because running vacuum while baby sleeps is a no-go in a small house. get baby to help clean by giving her her own papertowel and smile as she wipes floors, counters, chairs and even my feet while saying "Keeen up! Keeen up!" take dogs out to poop. clean up poop so that new homebuyers don't step in fresh terd. sweep back porch. pick new flowers to put in vases. do laundry in a mad hurry. shower. brush teeth. throw in makeup. put baby down for nap. pack travel lunch, diaper bag and sanity and put in truck. right. truck. todd's big diesel truck with camper shell on back. get baby up from nap. throw open her blinds and shades. put her in play clothes. don't forget baby shoes, hat and sunscreen...oh yea, water. for her and me. put baby in truck. give her rice cake to prevent whining or a million questions: go pay? giii up? ok? me? mommy truck? daddy truck? doggy pay? ma-eeee come! .....and then load up dogs in back of truck that looks like this. "load up maddie." maddie runs to truck. jumps. first feet land, then jump back off. readjust. rerun. she takes another look. turns around a few times. runs ten feet backwards, then runs for truck and makes the leap. wheew. i breathe. her arthritic legs made the leap. good girl, maddie! frankie stands. she stands like a pissed off Eeyore. and i try to motivate a leap into the truck but it never works. she stares at me. i think she's cussing me with her dark brown/black eyes. i'm pretty sure she is. and i think it's because she know she'll be in a confined space with the ever optimist maddie...and frankie's the pessimist. the Eeyore. i laugh. i bend over and pick her up. i feel like i'm holding a ticked 60 pound goat. i hoist her in the truck. maddie pounces to lick her. frankie growls. aaah sisterly love. frankie lies down. maddie runs in happy circles. typical. i put key in ignition, wait for glow plug light to go out so i don't kill engine..then crank up the - laka laka laka laka - clunky sounding engine and away we go. into the sunset. yea right. into the hot blazing sun. the park. we go to the park to eat lunch. we eat. we play. but not for long. we must keep moving so that the dogs don't have a heat stroke. and then we come home and pee and play and the baby takes a nap. ....and we do it allllll over again. only this time no lunch. just snack. but still, it's me, the baby and the happy and pissed dogs. and sweat. lots of sweat. and changing poopy diapers in the front seat of the truck. and singing happy day endlessly and telling loralai "we're almost there" as she tries to gnaw her way out of her carseat while telling me "giiii up!" she's ready to get up and i don't blame her.

and so i pray "lord, one of these showings BEST make an offer b/c i can't keep going like this all summer." this mama's gotta rest sometime.

and this morning we have two guys working on some of our non-working fans. and we have one bathroom. and they're right on the other side of the bathroom's wall. and i have to poop.

what a day...and it's only 9:30a.m.

please laugh.
(and pray that our house sells. and when it does...pray that God shows us where to live. aah to walk by faith. God's got such a sense of humor.)

hot and snappy.

2009-05-31T17:53:00.003-04:00

that's two things. a fever and my attitude. any other mamas out there get grouchy when their babies are sick? i do. and mainly because i can count on one hand the amount of times that my baby has been sick and so when she is, i get worried. our little one started running a high fever yesterday and after two hours at the dr. today, we're still clueless as to why. i wish i could blame it on the six teeth that are pushing through her gums. but i doubt it. so i'm guessing that it's a virus. and i'm praying for the fever to break. and i'm praying to be a little sweeter to the guy i live with - i usually call him husband, but this weekend i've called him by other names. you gasp. but it's true. i'm totally imperfect and get quickly frustrated when my baby is hurting and i'm helpless. sigh.

but still, she's precious and sweet and loves rubbing noses and giving kisses. she still loves giving maddie dog kisses and feeding the dogs her strawberries. and still she loves talking about things like "dat a apple? ...dat doggy bone? mommy kickle yorayay?! ...daddy go wuk? ...mo mo." apparently she can't have just one of anything...mo mo...more is required of everything: laughing, playing, 'kicks' (sticks) to dig with, flowers for picking, berries for eating... so even when i'm stressing over my baby being sick, i'm totally amazed at how precious she is despite her little position. because i, i ain't so precious. she's a flower and i'm a cactus.

two years ago tomorrow.

2009-05-20T19:05:00.004-04:00

two years ago tomorrow marks the day that my dad died. it feels so much shorter than two years ago. i'm amazed, still, at the waves of grief that sneak in. and i'm amazed, still, at the sweetness of God and how beautifully he was glorified through dad's life. most of me is happy that dad is free and in the presence of Jesus. but i'd be lying if i said that there wasn't a part of me that still aches for him. some days i get sweet memories of him flooding back. and i'm pretty sure, on those days, i can smell him and recall the touch of his skin as certain as if i had just seen him. the love that a child has for their daddy, especially a daughter, is a fragile thing. so isn't it something to see the Holy Spirit at work when life is redeemed after such brokenness?
i don't have much to say on dad's passing. it seems odd to revisit the same thing, every year, out loud to public eyes. but then again, it would seem odd for me not to mention the man who gave me life.
dad. i sure do miss saying his name.

(to read about my dad and to know his story, click on 'dad' above)

lavish

2009-05-19T14:10:00.002-04:00

so i was reading and came across this word: lavish.
it was talking about being lavished with love. like smothered, covered, washed over, engulfed in love.

i tried to think about lavishing love. how do i lavish love? who lavishes love on me? physically, i mean. in the here and now. presently on earth. and i started thinking about my loralai. and i'm pretty certain that i lavish her with love. i cover her sweet little body in kisses. i adore every inch of her being. i think from her brown eyes to her chubby little toes, i could just gaze at her little creation without looking away. i delight being in her presence and miss her when i'm away. and when i am away, i think about how i can love her more or better. i hope for wisdom in raising her and long to protect her. i think about every bite of food that goes into her mouth and carefully brush her soft brown hair so that it sweeps over just so in its precious baby-mullet little way. i clothe her and make certain that her clothes fit and are soft to her skin and clean and protect her where she needs covering. when she's in the sun, i make sure she has plenty of water to drink, a hat to break the sun's gaze on her face and sunscreen to keep from burning. i was created to cover this sweet little creation with love. and so i make it my job to do so. and i turns into my joy.

and then i think about my husband. and the more i fall in love with him, the more it comes to life that "i am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." that all of me is for him and all of him is for me. that there isn't an inch of this world i wouldn't give for a minute of his time. that there isn't a smil i'd rather see than his, a laugh i'd rather hear, a goofy joke i'd rather laugh at, advice i'd rather seek,wisdom i'd rather receive...than his. i am his, and he is mine. and i am covered in his love and he in mine.

and so when i read "How great is the Love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" i just sit in sweet awe. because i know for certain one thing: my lavish is not his lavish. and my lavish is nothing if He isn't in me. my attempt at love is pitiful and failing if i'm doing it for me and not for Him or if i think that i can make the mark by what i know and not allow him to work in me. do you hear what i'm saying?

because the Father sent his Son, we can be called children of God. without that sacrifice, we would still be working at reaching heaven. but now. now we're in kinship with the Son. we are children of God. sister, brother. daughter, son. how beautiful is that? i love my baby girl and i'm pretty sure that i love her in a different desperate way than i love other people - because i know she was given to me for a purpose, for my care and my charge is to show her love. God's holy sweet love. but when i read that God lavishes us with his love, i smile. because i know that his lavishing is far sweeter and covers way wider than my heart can conceive. and he loves us because. just because. because we are his and he is ours.

Jesus, I am yours and You are mine...because you first lavished your love on me.

mmm. that's some good stuff right there.

oh my sleepy eyes

2009-05-17T18:43:00.004-04:00

hello blog land. it's me, ashley. tired, sleepy, nearly grumpy, hungry but unmotivated to cook, and greasy but unmotivated to shower. isn't that somethin'? the hubs left on wednesday morning (at the slap crack of dawn) for an awesome journey to costa rica where he joined other men to take on five days of fellowship and worshiping our God. i can only imagine the awesome experience he had while gone. i'm so happy that he got that time away. time to breathe in fresh air, to take in the beauty of costa rica, to surf on waves bigger than dinky east coast thigh high mush, to learn from other believers and to offer insight into God through his own life. it must have been so awesome.
i can only imagine.
because while he was gone i traveled to raleigh (a day before he left), solo, to visit his parents and family with our one year old. the ride there, the ride back, pretty uneventful. but the nights. oh the nights. i'm coming to just accept that my child doesn't do sleep in someone else's bed. oh no. and so six days ago began a sleepless sequence of nights. every night for six days we've been up for at least two hours a night. if it was just she and me, me and her, mama and baby, no one else in the house, no grandparents around, no one's ears i was trying to spare...the crying would be ON. oh yes. and tonight i fully expect there to be crying as the short chunky-thighed one relearns that sleep is what we do in our crib at night. for twelve hours. do you sense the sleepless grump in my type? you're right.
but do you know what is so sweet about it all? time. time without my husband has been priceless. normally when i'm in doubt of what to do with the baby or when i'm at a crossroads or feeling like i'm going to lose my ever loving mind, i call him for encouragement and direction. but i couldn't call him this week. and for the first time in a long time, i had only God to lean on. which is backwards - i should always always always lean on God before Todd. so maybe the sleeplessness has just been a painful kick in the butt of a reminder that God needs to come before Todd. and while pressing into God this week and really seeking him in his word and in prayer, he's been ever so clear with me. beautifully clear. i had questions, clear questions and have been asking them...and then lead to direct answer in his word. i've been in need and he has provided - through his word. through is promise of provision. i don't know really how to articulate all that's happened in six days - other than several days of greasy hair, really lame meals and some serious crying spells. i just know that it's been trying and rewarding. and currenty my little one is in her crib working on the sleep thing. i say working because i can hear her talking....'mommeeeee. daddeeeee. hi doggyyyyyy.' i suppose she's saying her prayers and just including all of us creatures in our household. that's what i'd like to think anyway.
so right now i sit, bleary-eyed and considering a bird bath since there's lightening in the skies, thinking about sleep and the sweet relief that will come when my husband crawls in bed with me tonight.
and maybe next week i'll keep pressing into God - because after all, he's the one with the answers. and he gives them to todd anyway. so why not consult God first and trust that whatever he gives me is enough?
sweet dreams friends.
(i know what you're thinking: it's only 7p.m.! but i'm tired. and there's no rules against putting on your pj's before sunset. so jammies, here i come.)

hat.

2009-05-05T20:13:00.005-04:00

i realize that i'm behind in the blog-world but i don't feel like i've had much that's been worthy of writing or speaking. so i haven't. but i've been reading blogs. and that's fun. so you bloggers, keep blogging. you're good naptime reading. :)

but loralai. she's obssessed with hats. and has been for months. for about three months, any time she's seen a hat she has to say "HAAAAT!!" and point and point until we get the hat, and then she demands that todd wear his hats. so for a while, there were days when todd was pretty much wearing a hat the whole time he was home. but now. now loralai knows how to put on her own hat and she's in hat heaven. she goes into the drawer in her bedroom where i keep her sun hats and she puts them on her head and then on her bo-bo's head (teddy bear) and on my head and todd's head... and then she loves shoes...but that's another post.

and i know that baby posts can be boring and dull - especially if it's not your baby and you can't hear the preciousness of her voice. but just trust me. it's a cute and precious thing when she talks - especially when she uses her manners. have i ever mentioned that? turns out i'm a total sucker for a polite child. especially mine. and when she says "peeez" and followed with a "tenk yew mommy", i could melt and most likely give her a freshly baked brownie that her sugar deprived body has no business eating but that manners would most definitely convince me to feed her.

so, enjoy these pictures.

so i know that the headband isn't a hat. but it might as well have been...because you see who else was required to wear it? the short one's dad :)

coot choos.

2009-04-28T08:46:00.003-04:00

coot choos = cute shoes
poopy = poopy
waden = water
mo mo peez = more please
mommy choos = mommy's shoes
awwwwe = awe
pa pa baybe = pat the baby
nigh nigh baybe = night night baby
baybe eat doggy eat = apparently the baby and dog are hungry
muk = milk
wow = wow!
ki cat = kitty cat
up ki cat = get up kitty cat!
geeee = jesus
book = book
ree book = read book

the list of words our sweet short little girl is saying is remarkable. at 14 months, she's putting two and three words together. i'd like to say that we have something to do with it. maybe because she doesn't watch tv (alright, every no and then she sees the tv come on, but it's a rare thing). maybe because we sing songs all day and listen to the radio. maybe because she gets full attention and one-on-one time that she wouldn't otherwise. or maybe, maybe it's just her. maybe she was created to just be this little girl who would start saying mama and bye bye at 7 months and wouldn't stop talking from that point forward. maybe she was just meant to be an early bloomer and we have absolutely nothing to do with those areas of development. and that's completely ok with me if we have nothing to do with it.

but to take my hands off and start parenting different would be to deny the given responsibility i've been gifted with. to say that a parent has nothing to do with the outcome of their children, is just plain silly. we have so much impact on the hearts of our babies. they soak it all in. i was in the car a few weeks ago and pushed play on a song that goes like this "oh happy day! happy day! he washed my sins away!" and from the backseat i hear, "HAP-EEE HAP-EEE!" and i just smiled and laughed and praised God! it may not be ME that she's learning from, she's learning from everything around me - from my choices.

we choose carefully the music that we listen to around loralai - or that we listen to for ourselves. it's important. and now when i push play on that same song, before the words begin, she recognizes the beat of the song and says "HAP-EEE!" her ears recognize.

her heart recognize. she runs to todd and i and nearly falls into us for a hug. she just trusts that we'll catch her. she trusts us. she depends on us. and while she doesn't know it, she's depending on us to show her glimpses of Jesus. it will be through us that she'll get her first understanding of the love of Christ - of God's creation - the understanding that He is to be trusted above and beyond us. that when we walk out the door, it's more important to want Jesus to walk back in than to want mom and dad to walk back in. Jesus should be our all-in-all.

what would we do in triumph or tragedy without him? where do you turn? where do you seek for comfort? you either seek justice, justification, or you push out the world to ignore the hurt - or, you seek Jesus. and if you haven't, and if you have hurt or loss or are sick or are struggling or are lost or have tried it all and still feel mad or empty or like justice was never sought - seek jesus. just pray to the One True God and ask Him to lift you up and remove you from the burden that's been holding you down. and wait. it's a beautiful thing, beloved. just wait and see. it's not my promise that i promise you, but God's. he promises that when you come to him, that he will meet you exactly where you are - and you'll have a reunion with your Creator like you never imagined. the pains of the world will still exist, but the Hope of Glory will be more powerful and redemptive than any justice you'd ever sought after.

and when my little girl is walking into school for the first time, or shopping for groceries for the first time, or paying her own bills for the first time, or picking out music to listen to - in all of her choices, i pray that she has Jesus so engrained in her soul that the idea of doing anything less than what He has willed for her life is not an option. and i pray that Todd and I are living our lives and parenting our baby so that when she moves on without us, it's Jesus she needs more than us - that she wants more than us. I pray that He is her all in all. I pray that right now, in these days when i'm at home with this precious chunky thighed babe, that she's soaking it all in and that somehow my love pouring out to her is making a dent. i pray and claim that i'm making a dent into this fallen world so that one more little girl will grow up to be a woman whose heart is WILD for her Jesus!

as moms, as parents, our every step is watched. we may not be the ones who sparked the tongue to start moving and making words at 7 months, but once that little brain starts engaging, it IS us who gets to help form the hearts of the ones we're sending out to be lights to the world.

what a gift.

Happy Day 13mo from ashley dengler on Vimeo.

a little pink.

2009-04-09T09:12:00.003-04:00

i want to write something profound about how spring makes me feel. but i'm pretty well at a loss for words right now. i know. imagine that. but i love spring. and i love our yard in spring because it fills itself full of bright, light and dark pink azalea blooms. i really feel like it's a little slice of heaven when we're outside. spring just does something to the world. it breathes new life. and everyone loves it. even the smallest of us. even the ones who are just learning to say flower - and decide that seeing flowers in your hair is more beautiful than seeing flowers on the actual flowering plant. and the more the little one says "mo mo mo", the more flowers you decide to put in your hair. because after all, it's your greatest desire to help this little one experience the most beautiful life, filled with new experiences and the ability to soak in all of the goodness of this glorious creation. and then imagine, there's The Creator who delights in the same thing, only more graciously given and sweetly spoken and beautifully painted than any gift we could imagine giving to our own babies. He gives freely to all. all for us to feel and know Love. beautiful. welcome spring.

whisper His name

2009-03-30T13:48:00.005-04:00

i have an every day friend. she's one of my dearest (the one who introduced me to peanut butter). she's an every day friend because she's my every day phone call. she's someone who knows me in places more intimately than friends who have known me 25 years. and she and i have only been friends for a little more than three years. this friend is a precious soul, with a light that shines so bright for Jesus. her desire to know her Savior is insatiable. it's a blessing to be her friend and to be in her presence means that conversation is rich.

today we were talking about how close she is to birthing her second baby. and we were working through the nerves that rise up when childbirth nears. and she told me about a song she sang at a church she visited this weekend: Whisper His Name. that's the song. it says - whisper his name, call out his name, shout out his name...and He will run to you.

pause.

really think about that. we did.

just do it. right now. whisper his name: jesus. call out his name: jesus. shout out his name: JESUS!

do you feel it? do you feel the nearing presence of the savior? i do. and i have so many times in my life. but i don't recall those times nearly enough. but today i did. i love this friend. she evokes that - the desire to be near to the One who comes when we even just whisper his precious hallelujah name: jesus.

so i want to list for you the times that i've called out his name and he came. and then i hope that you'll do that same. make a list, if just mentally, of the times that Jesus has come to your aid. he's ever present but when He arrives in ways that, and when, you take notice. it's breathtaking.

two dogs were chasing me. i was on foot. i screamed, "JESUS JESUS JESUS!" and he came. a man on his bicycle with his dog came racing down the road and ran the dogs back. i just stood and cried. knowing that jesus rescued me from danger by an angry pitt bull and his other mix-breed friend.

i prayed in my hand-me-down twin bed, growing up, that Jesus would save my family. my save and his were different. but saved we all are.

in the throws of laboring during childbirth, i called out: Jesus: and he came. peace covered me. he healed my wounds.

when my dad died, all i could speak through anguish was: ABBA! FATHER! Jesus. and he came. he gave me visions and led me to Himself through his word.

when my grandad was dying and i was caring for him alone, and desperate to have one last conversation with him, though his mind was slipping away and his body wasting, i called out: please Jesus. and he came. he gave me one last conversation. an exchange of I love yous and never another word from my grandad.

when my neice was being operated on and her recovery seemed daunting, myself and a group of prayer warriors called out his name: Jesus help! and he came. she recovered, she drank a bottle, she took a first breath, she slept, she smiled, she cooed. he came.

when a boyfriend broke up with me and i was tempted to take antidepressants to dull the pain, i instead called on his name: hold me Jesus. and he did. and he covered me in a renewing peace.

when my friend told me she was pregnant again and feared losing her baby for the nearly fifth time, myself and other prayer warriors called on his name to heal her bleeding uterus and to make the life inside of her thrive. and so we called on his name: Jesus! and he came. and life is growing within her.

when dark hands held mine above my head, pinned to my bed, in the middle of the night and i couldn't move, i shouted his name: Jesus. and the hands disappeared as though his name held some sort of power that even they couldn't resist.

there is power in the name of the One who sat at the right hand of the Father when the world was spoken into being. He reigns. and He loves. and all we have to do is call on his name because it is by his name that we are saved, through his grace, through faith.

I was so glad to be reminded of his love for me today. remind yourself of when you called on him and he came.

update. advice. insight. request.

2009-03-29T19:03:00.007-04:00

update: so we're back to two naps. the little one couldn't handle just one but the second is fading. so i wait and try to be patient and flexible. and me, who is quite the creature of habit and really enjoys my routine, is making a real effort into the flexibility. because i'm pretty thrown by the difference in my baby who is now screaming before falling asleep during her second nap - as opposed to my baby who used to lay down willingly. aah the little one is asserting her independence. and i breathe. ...and also, she's saying peeez, tank yew and mo-mo. her manners are precious. and she loves crackers - which she calls either "crackas or crack". so we've found it quite humorous when the short one says "mo mo crack peeez". aaah kids.

advice: i used to be completely in love with reduced fat peter pan creamy peanut butter. i was crushed when, while pregnant, peter pan was taken off the shelves because of a salmonella outbreak. and when it came back, i remember calling todd (while i was at the grocery) with pure glee as i held my first peter pan jar in more than a year. i thought, surely, God had blessed just me that day. until this weekend. one of my best friends is pregnant and going to have her baby any day now. and after her first baby was born, she lived off of peanut butter and graham crackers. so i called her, this week, to ask her what her favorite peanut butter was - i want to make sure she's got plenty of peanut butter and graham crackers to eat after the babe is born. and she tells me that she loves anything 'natural.' so off i go to the grocery and i pick up a smucker's jar of natural peanut butter with honey. i thought i'd keep it in our pantry with the graham crackers, until the baby was born. but naturally, i got curious. and so i opened that jar of peanut butter. and i stirred it up - pretty much because you have to. it's so thick and there's the natural peanut oil on top. i wouldn't go on about something like this if i didn't think it was just the best. but this junk is the best! i'm serious. i never thought i'd say goodbye to peter pan, but i think i might. because now, peter pan tastes like the candy peanut butter filling in a reese's cup and the natural stuff just tastes...i don't know. you have to get some and taste it...and i highly recommend spreading it on a graham cracker. that's delicious. and apparently makes great breastmilk - if you're in the business of making that stuff ;)

insight: here's a little peek into our life this weekend. loralai stood up in the bathtub last night, looked at todd all concerned-like look on her face and then...pooped in the bath. so the bath toys got washed in the dishwasher. and today we went to church and then to a friend's son's birthday party and then for a bike ride and to our neighborhood park. and then home. and i vacuumed - and while sucking up dog hair and oak leaves that make their way into our house, mainly our kitchen, i screamed. and i screamed because as i went to vaccuum under one of our kitchen cabinets, something moved. a lizard. dang lizards. this must be lizard birthing season, because we have more lizards than we can handle...that, and squirrels (thank goodness it wasn't a squirrel. i don't suppose they're as easy to catch.). so i scooped the little guy up in two cups and out he went. he was the lucky one. the last two that made it into the house, apparently made it in with some towels that our dogs had been lounging on on our back porch. they didn't fare to well when i washed the towels. and i nearly gagged when i went to put towels into the dryer and found two drown lizards. yuck.

request: i have a good friend who is experiencing a miracle. and it's beautiful to watch. it's also beautiful to be blessed by her miracle. you might be wondering how i can be blessed by HER miracle. because i love her. because i prayed for her for years. and because for a week now, many of us have been praying the exact same thing - the same request - to God and He answered our prayer. that's huge! read her blog. she is a blessing and her life is blessed. she's beautiful inside and out. her husband is precious and his love for her is priceless. and their little girl is one of the most sweet, funny and cute little girls i know. and the baby they're growing right now, is already blessed. already a miracle. already a loved child of God. pray with us that this baby grows fully, and perfectly. read her blog. (blogger isn't working right - so if this link doesn't work, just click on peanut and poppy under my blog list to the right)

and please keep praying for baby stellan. he's struggling and needs you to storm heaven, to ask God to move in where doctors don't know where or how to move, to bring him comfort and rest, to bring his family peace, to fully and completely heal stellan's heart. i'm desperate, for reasons i can't put my finger on, to see this sweet boy healed. i think God has big plans for stellan's life.

changes

2009-03-26T12:33:00.004-04:00

let me tell you about the changes going on 'round here lately.
we got back from florida about two weeks ago - a much needed vacation. much needed down time for the husband and wonderful time for he and the babe to bond. times together, like that, are priceless.

when we got back, we'd made our minds up that i would begin to ween loralai from nursing. woah is me. that's what i say about it. i know i can't go on nursing forever, but i love it. and my little talker loves it, too. if uncomfortable or nervous, she walks up to me and pulls at my shirt saying "muk muk." i know. to some of you squimish on nursing or thinking that her asking for milk is yucky, well let me set your minds at ease. it's neither yucky nor squimish evoking. instead, it's heartwarming and affirming to know that your body was created to help grow and comfort your baby - and it's done its job. i'm blessed to have a little one talk so early; it lets me know what's going on in that sweet little mind of hers.

which is why it's so hard for me to take away that little piece of comfort from her. but i know, i know. changes are sure to happen and changes are good (most of the time). it's part of letting go and nudging her towards a little more independence. but let me be honest - that's hard. it's hard to have been needed so much for a year and then not needed at all anymore. sure i'm needed for other things, but not to sustain her life anymore. i'm guessing you're picturing me with my hand on my forehead in a gone with the wind kind of pose - i'm not. but i'm just trying to be real. it's hard learning to let go - especially with your first baby.

so there's that. no more nursing during the day. just first thing in the morning and right before bedtime. those will be the last to go.

and i thought that was all the changes i was going to have to work for over the course of march and into april. but apparently my two nap a day (approx. 2hr each nap baby) baby has decided that she's not going to take two naps anymore. total shocker to my routine-oriented system. so yesterday was the first day of one nap. bad news. backfire.

she made it until 11:15 and then i put her in her crib where she firmly crashed into a deep sleep...for all of an hour and fifteen minutes. do whaaaat?! oh dear. i knew i was in for it. for the next three hours, it was fun time. but after four p.m., you could kiss our day goodbye. she fell three times over her own feet. one time she fell flat on her right cheek. she called for mommy, daddy, hewwwooo, bye bye, muk, cAt, maaaoowww...you get the picture. it was like loopy girl entered the room and started saying all of her words. so we ate dinner at 5 o'clock and lights were out at 5:45. blessed be.

changes are a comin' and they're wearing me out - emotionally.

though in the throws of the wound up one, yesterday, i did get one thing accomplished. a good workout. we were able to miss the insane afternoon crowd of big kids at the gym and go play with the little kids, in the morning, and i got to sweat. aaah sweat. but as we walked back into our house, my sweat turned to ice cycles on my skin. our heating unit broke. go figure. so that will be fixed....friday. not to worry, though. we have a fat little baby who was bundled in two warm layers of clothes on top of a thick fleece blanket. we knew she wouldn't freeze. and the house never dropped below 65 degrees. and we have great friends who loaned us two space heaters for tonight.

but what a wrench to throw in my already changing day.

and then there's the snot. which i attributed to more teeth coming in. how many teeth do these kids get, anyway? it seems like we should be done by now. right :) so in the middle of the night, twice, the little one wakes up, unable to breathe through her nose holes. and these holes are crucial to a good night's sleep since she does so loooove her middle and ring finger to suck on during sleep. and i figure it's impossible to suck when your nose is snot-filled. so maybe it's a cold and not teething or maybe it's pollen. i don't claim to know jack, at this point.

so the cold night's sleep was interrupted. aaah change.

where are you predictability?

i think the only thing predictable is change. it's inevitable and sometimes we have to roll with the punches. because really, these are small punches. and today, she's already slept an hour and forty minutes. so we're getting there....i suppose.

thanks for listening.

and while you have time, since you've the time to read this blog, click on the side button and pray for Stellan. he's in dire need of healing.

growing

2009-03-24T19:26:00.009-04:00

God calls us by name.
He has a plan for us, uniquely.
He knows the desires of our hearts.
The Holy Spirit utters on our behalf when our hearts can't find the words.
God knows every hair on our head - by number.
Nothing happens, not a leaf falling in the woods or a bird dying, without God knowing it.
He knows the place in which we will be born and die and where we will live in between.
He created us to love Him and to love.
He gave us each unique gifts that help glorify God and further his kingdom.

And I look at my sweet little sugar lump of a daughter and I wonder - what gifts has God given you? Already I see so much in her sweet little spirit. She's tender. A pleaser. She loves to talk and help. But what else? She's so young and so impressionable.

But when we're talking, I can ask her where Jesus is and she finds him. She looks everywhere until she finds a cross...and then she walks to it with her arms lifted up and says "Jeeee". I do not make this up. And if I had a video of it, I'd post it. (maybe i'll do that soon). It makes my heart get so excited when she smiles at that cross. While I know that the cross is just a symbol, I know that her heart is already being formed for Jesus.

While I was pregnant, I would pray that God would put in her a spirit that longed to be in His presence; a spirit that found the greatest joy to be with Him. I prayed that he would make her a woman after his very heart. And I claim that and I know that she will be. But what will it look like? Will she want to teach? Will she be a natural encourager, a singer of his praises, a writer, a prophet, someone who heals the sick, a woman whose compassion feeds the hungry...what gifts has God given my sweet little girl so that his kingdom will be glorified? I'm so excited to see how she grows into the woman that He's called her to be. And I'm so honored to be along side of Todd to get to fan that fire that he set in her long before Todd or I even dreamed of being her parents.

How amazing is our God? He weaves together life so beautifully, knits it in our wombs so perfectly and sets it before us in just the right time so that we can receive his love. So that we would be able to pour out his love so that others might see him a little more clearly. There is no mistaking that our God reigns. And when I look at my brown-eyed baby as she comes in for a smooch or lays her head on my chest for a hug, I praise God for the woman she's already becoming. Already she's pouring out love - love that was set in her by the One who is Love.

I wonder what your gifts are. Do you know what your gifts are? I'd love to know. It's a beautiful thing seeing the body come together as God has created us all to work in harmony for his kingdom. And I wonder what your children's gifts are. Do you know what they are? How do you fan those gifts to encourage them to grow in their natural talents in Christ?

God is just...amazing. I'm at a loss for words.

Maybe these few pictures will pick up where I left off. Here are some pictures of what God's working on for His kingdom...

in my weakness

2009-03-17T08:56:00.003-04:00

i didn't know that the little bible verse posting on my own blog would somehow speak to me. but it did. i was just getting ready to blog when i read it before i began and that was it. 2 Cor 12:9 has been a place i've landed several times. and so it puts a new perspective on how i was feeling last night. i think now i'm going to choose to praise God. sometimes it's a choice to praise God - not just worship him - but praise him. sometimes i realize that i'm sitting in my gloominess and forgetting the abundance of blessing that comes from pain.

every now and then grief creeps up on me. i think i'm good and solid and then it just hits. not unexpectedly, this time, though. my brother and i are seeing tangible blessings that are coming from my dad's death - and i'm watching my brother be a man who i'm incredibly proud of. it's rare that he cracks and breaks. but sometimes he does. we all do. and so i pray that while he's handling the huge amount of work that comes with selling our childhood river home, that God will meet him where he is and lavish himself upon my brother. i pray for wisdom and peace. i pray for a calm when things are overwhelming and i pray that he knows that no dollar amount will ever matter to me, that there will never be a divide between us. death has no grip on the living and so i won't let the left over stuff hinder my joy. our joy.

and so last night after talking to my brother and then finally finding some quiet time to get back in the word and just allowing myself time to process, i found myself falling. and i just cried. it really snuck up on me this time - or at least in a way more than i thought it would. because it's just confusing and perfectly clear. you see, my dad left us with a historical mess of stuff. and it's been on my brother's shoulders to sift through the mess because he was the executor of my dad's will. and i'm thankful that he was, executor, because it's his methodical thinking and knowledge of handling his own business that has him pushing through the rubble like a champ. and dear jesus it's been an extra full-time job for him. and i don't know what else to do except encourage him and pray for him and love him for the time he's sacrificing from his family to tie up loose loose ends to a life that gave him his.

while i thought about all that my brother was doing, i started thinking about how we were benefiting from our loss. and part of it is financial. we're blessed beyond measure. and last night i kept thinking, 'God, you wouldn't have taken my dad for nothing and given us money for nothing.' so i'm overwhelmed with joy that i'm able to leverage money to help others for the sake of the kingdom of God. it makes me get all giddy knowing that i'm holding hidden treasure that some blessed child of God will get to receive - that a prayer is being answered through the death of a man i called dad. somewhere, i believe, a family is praying for money or groceries or help with their mortgage or clothes for their family...and the little bit of money that we'll be able to share will help.

that's so perfect. so beautiful.

it's just like our God to work out a grace that makes no sense and yet makes all the sense in the world. it's beautiful.

but there's part of me that keeps trying to shake off myself. i miss my dad. and i remember people saying, in past, that when they lost someone that it just seemed like they were on vacation and would return at any moment. i used to scowl at that - that's just ridiculous. but it's not. it's really pretty accurate. death is a mysterious thing - loss is. and last night i had this thought - that i'll share some other time - and i caught myself as i thought 'ooh, i need to call dad and ask him if he knew that happened.' but as soon as the thought entered in, so did the realization that i can't call him anymore. and i know that the reality of it all is that if he was still alive, the conversation would be difficult anyway. i know this.

but hear me on this. my dad was a stubborn and prideful man. but his heart was beautiful and kind and he had a compassion that i just miss. he had a heart for the poor and the lonely - probably because his heart could share in their desperation. dad, like all of the lost, was desperate for reconciliation, but pride got in the way. and he was desperate for acceptance and affirmation that he was good, but pride got in the way. his pride ate at what God called him to be. until the end.

and so here is my struggle. and here is where 2 corinthians comes in. my weakness is in staying in a place of praise for the salvation of my dad. and while i don't want to stay here forever, in weakness in this area, i know that Christ is sufficient. that his grace is enough and that to deny God of the grace he extended to my dad would be to deny the very essence of who He is. and so i know that in my weakness, my mind's feable attempt to understand the loss and to move forward for the rest of my life without a dad, means that Christ will extend a covering over me to fill the hole that sits in despair and grief.

because some nights, like last night, i sit in my bed and cry and i'm pretty certain that i remember a few things: how dad ties his tie, the feel of his hands and the rough callouses, how thick his hair feels, his pudgy cheeks and his hugs. i know i've said all of this before and you've read it before, but i want you to know something that's real. and that is that grief isn't just one blog or one day or one year. sometimes it trickles throughout a lifetime. it's not always painful and dagger stabbing. but it's still reminiscent and you find yourself still longing to be in the presence of the one you love.

after my cry, there was peace. i think crying is God's way of helping us mend our hurt. crying is good. and the peace i felt was the Holy Spirit reminding me that God's grace is enough. that when my mind can't wrap around loss - and all that it encompasses - God can. and it is through his spirit that i start to understand. it's in my weakness that Christ's power rests on me. his compassion, his mercy, his wisdom, it rests on me. and through my heartbreak and desperation to just hear my dad's voice one more time or to hug him and make absolutely sure he knows that i love him with every cell in my body, i feel a nudging from the spirit reminding me that if he lived, he would be pained. but if he died, he would live. it was only through death and the final reconciliation of a life of pain that my dad was able to live. he lives.

and i rest in that and i praise God for that and through his redemption, i know that nothing is impossible. nothing. that in dad's weakness, Christ's power was magnified and shown in ways i've never seen. and it was beautiful and glorious and full of splendor and far greater than any war ever worn or story ever told.

therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

...so that i'm not so caught up in hiding my grief or being embarrassed of how i've been blessed or feeling stupid about repeating the same emotions more than once. so that i'm able to freely say to a broken world that there is a beautiful peace when we come before the feet of the One who saves and we lay it all down. we leave nothing out and try not to cover anything up. but we lay it down and let it out and let Jesus start to mend and heal the broken places and praise him for revealing the secrets of eternity to our hearts that so desperately long to be Home in paradise.

a little more each day.

2009-03-04T09:47:00.002-05:00

this morning i said to loralai, "take your fingers out of your mouth" and she did. she sucks her middle and ring finger. some babes suck their thumbs. some suck passies. our loralai sucks her fingers. and she does it while walking - which is a hazzard, if you ask me. and so i've been working on telling her take her fingers out of her mouth - after which, i pull her fingers out of her mouth. but this morning, she did it upon my word. just out they went and away she walked...balanced. because with those little fingers in her mouth, she's a wobbly little weeble.

as am i when i try to speak my own words of wisdom to a friend in need or trouble. i walk away kicking myself and regretting and knowing i sugar-coated or fluffed her with nothingness. but when i don't speak on my own, but i just feed a friend with something simple and true, then i know there is nothing more i should or shouldn't have said. but that God's word is enough. it never departs from his mouth and returns empty. even if the person isn't yet ready to receive his word, they will...in time. in time God will reveal his love by the words spoken. sometimes years later. but as for us, the speaking, the speakers, we are to just have faith that God's word is enough. that his command for us to love each other, is enough. we aren't to add salt to the pot, or a splash or pepper for flavor. his word is enough.

his word is full of flavor.

and it is enough. and all we must do is take some little obedient steps. instead of offering our ideas to what is happening to the world, we just need to start telling the world what God has said. i need to start telling the world what God has said. i need to start being more obedient. to not be afraid of God's word spoken to the world but to remember that i was called to love the world so that it might see Jesus instead of letting the world love me so that i might see a lie called pretty, or convenient, or rich, or status, or good hair, or nice skin, or wrinkle free. but so that the world will see holy, sanctified, glorious, heavenly, peaceful, truth, salvation.

so today, i'm reminded of what God told Ezekial. what if we lived like this. what if we saw the world as it is, rebelling against God, and we spoke to it truth. beautiful, sweet, perfect truth. the world would be changed.

ezekial 2
¹ He said to me, "Son of man, stand up on your feet and I will speak to you." ² As he spoke, the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard him speaking to me.

³ He said: "Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me; they and their fathers have been in revolt against me to this very day. ⁴ The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says.' ⁵ And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious house—they will know that a prophet has been among them. ⁶ And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. ⁷ You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious. ⁸ But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you."

hello week. goodbye.

2009-03-01T12:48:00.006-05:00

so let me tell you about my week.

monday i went to the dentist, anxiously, to have a cavity filled. a minor thing, right? i thought so, too. but i was still anxious because i've had trouble with my jaw, in the past, and i was scared that holding it open for the cavity would bring back the TMJ pain. but i was assured that it would be a quick procedure - from first needle to last fill, it was to take twenty minutes. and it did. it took no time at all.

but five hours later, and after having called the dentist to see what the problem was, my entire left side of my face was still 100% numb. they assured us that the numbing would subside and life would return normal. so i ate a milkshake for dinner and went to sleep. though the weird thing wasn't so much the numbing sensation as was the pain my jaw. it was a heavy feeling.

and the next morning, while i could feel my face again, i could barely open my jaw. todd and i both attributed it to the holding of the jaw open. but then the next day when my jaw was worse, we wondered what was going on. and by wednesday night, i could open my mouth wide enough to maybe fit a slice of bacon in it. i was miserable and the pain seemed intolerable. or so i thought. because on thursday, the pain increased with a fierce kind of sting. i had pain shooting into my ear and behind my eye. by this time, both todd and i had been on the phone several times with todd's dad (a retired dentist) and our dentist. todd's dad was really concerned and kept giving us ideas to help with the pain. and while that was kind, all of our real concerns were why? why was this pain even occuring? i just had a stinking cavity filled! after four days of screaming pain - and i'm not kidding, nor exaggerating - the pain began to subside. and the doctor determined/guessed that he more than likely hit a tendon and/or muscle when giving me the novocaine - and the pain was a result of that tendon/muscle freaking out while trying to heal.

and i. i haven't been so pleasant to live with.

i've realized that i feel really sorry for myself when i don't feel well. and i want someone else to feel sorry for me, too. but it doesn't always work that way. especially when you're on mommy patrol 24hours a day. there's no day off. no sick day to call in and rest. there's no one to fix you soup or run to mcdonald's and bring you a milkshake when the thought of getting in the car and driving just wears you out. and so, you tough it out.

but in the midst of toughing and keeping a smile on your face for your one year old, your patience runs thin to anyone else around you.

and so as the jaw pain subsides, i realize i have more ailments. i have a cainker sore under my tongue where the doctor nicked me a small bit. but the problem here is that it hurts to talk. and eat. and swallow. and brush my teeth. mouth pain really really stinks.

and then. and then i get this cold. this stinking cold. i cough non-stop and the burn in my chest frustrates me. and i'm nearly done with my box of tissues. and i just downed some chicken, rice and stars. doesn't chicken broth cure colds? i'm hoping so because me and cold medicines don't mix. they make me feel like i've taken some weird form of alcohol on crack. it's a crazy loopy feeling. so i always forego the cold meds and suffer through the colds.

but again, i'm a grump. and i find myself wavering and teetering between happy, peaceful and nearly biting the head off of the man who calls himself husband. though, at this point, he may not want to call himself that. but maybe he's happy since he's excused himself and gone to check the surf. and i, i'm here with my snotty tissues, my laptop (now completely covered in cold germs - which i'll disinfect later), some sunday afternoon movie, a sleeping baby and hopefully a little peace before we run much needed errands.

and oh, did i mention that i'm accompanied by a total grumpo mood?

and so as we sat in church, hours ago, i felt it again. the wavering. teetering. to and fro of emotions. and i repented.

and i keep repenting.

and i keep reminding myself that there's no guilt associated with my behavior through repentance, but there is responsibility to my behavior even though i feel like i've been dished the biggest plate of poo this week. and so i think about the book i'm reading and i remember how the author quoted Paul in the book of Philippians. and i'm feeling the guilt start to push out.

as Paul is finishing his letter to the church of Philipi, he says this:
chapter1
³I thank my God every time I remember you. ⁴In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy ⁵because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

and i'm reassured that God means something specific in his words through Paul. he's trying to build up the people in the church to remember that we are precious. we are formable, usable and not yet complete. wheew. because if i were, what a mess of a creation i am!

but i'm not complete. God says that when i accepted Christ as Savior, he began something awesome in me. he's using me for his purposes and forming me daily, as i surrender, to become more of Christ and less of me. and so i rest in that. just right there. today, that's where i'm landing. i'm reminding myself that while it isn't ok that i'm a total grump, it's not the end of the world. and the good part is that i'm realizing that it isn't ok to be a grouch all week and that it's ok to have emotions and be teetering here and there...with the realization that God is working out something beautiful in me, in spite of myself.

i know it's just pain from the neck up, but this week was a tough one, relatively speaking. trying, anyway. and i guess it took a little bit of pain for me to be reminded that it's not through my own grace, or todd's, that i grow. but through God's.

God's peace to you - and your household. may you be cold-germ free.

hi.

2009-02-24T19:53:00.004-05:00

That's Loralai's favorite word these days, "hi." And the way she says it is so sweet. She'll see someone she doesn't know and lean around me to greet them and smile really big and say, "hi-eeeee". If she sees a little friend, or a stranger, or one of the dogs - it's all about telling them hi. And when we leave, it's bye. I know you're thinking 'duhhh, that's english.' But it's just so amazing hearing it come out of your 12month old and knowing that she's getting it. She's learning.

Her little heart, her little brain...she's a sponge. She takes in everything around her. She copies sounds she hears - and she's putting together little things like, "hi daddy." She understands so much. I'm amazed at the capacity that a little babe has for love and communicating. She kisses her baby dolls and leans in to give me hugs...just because. Maybe just because she's seen me kiss her baby dolls to show her what it is to love on a baby and because I give hugs, she gives hugs. I don't know. I just know that our little baby is growing up.

And walking. She started walking on her birthday. She'd been practicing, but that day we went to our neighborhood park and lo and behold, there she went. She just needed a little motivation and apparently a swing, a bark covered ground and a slide were motivation enough to get those chubby little legs moving. Todd says that she looks like Fred Sanford. She sort of does, or did. Because in the span of four days, she's gotten good at walking. How is that? I wish I could pick up a sport and, within four days, be awesome at it.

So we had a little get together for her birthday over the weekend. Both sides of our family came in town and some friends with kids. It was wonderful. I mean it. It was just the best to see all these little kiddies running around in our yard and blowing bubbles and playing with play dough and all of loralai's toys. It made me secretly wish for a house full of children. Or maybe I just want to live in a commune with my closest friends and their families and we can play all day and have chickens and grow a garden together and our kids can run around and be silly...that just seems wonderful.

But until then, we'll just enjoy the house and yard God's given us and have fun when friends and family come to visit.

oh yea. forgot to mention. loralai was a little bit, a lot, overwhelmed by the crowd of people at our house. so she clammed up and clung to her mama. and the yummy little birthday cupcake that i thought she'd delight in...she just stared at.

but hey, she got a little red wagon out of the whole deal...and she was super happy about that!

2.19.08 -- 9pounds 9ounces

2009-02-18T19:50:00.004-05:00

I've been trying to form words around this day, all day. And I'm at such a loss.

It was a long time waiting. 42 weeks, to the day, to be exact. A million stretch marks, a million more emotions of wondering whether or not I'd know how to be a mom, a million prayers that our baby would be healthy and hardy.

And 18 hours of labor later, and one long cut along my lower abdomen, and there was our baby.

But as I laid on that table, waiting, I prayed. And puked. I avoided the do not eat policy - and I ate. 18 hours is a long time to deprive a pregnant woman of food. Grapes seemed harmless until the operating room nurses had to push on my abdomen to get our large baby out - and then grapes made themselves known...all over Todd. I figure a guy's gotta suffer along the way, too, right? But really. As I laid there, praying, I wanted to jump from my skin, reach out and grab my baby before anyone else. I wanted to scream and dance and shout and run in circles and exert the adrenalin that was surely rushing through my veins. Instead, I stayed tied down to the table they had me tied to. And I waited and prayed.

And when I finally felt her come out and I heard her cry...nothing could have been more beautiful. And all that I could utter was "thank you Jesus! I praise you Jesus! Hallelujah Jesus!" and then all I could say following that was, "my baby. my baby. my baby." I cry just thinking about it. It was the most divine moment of my life. God's spirit was so beautiful in that room, in my body, surrounding my womb.

And away they took my baby. I laid there getting a blood transfusion, getting sewn up, talking to the precious nurses and doctors and trying to be patient...to wait. I knew that I would get to hold her. But it just seemed so unfair that I couldn't have my hands all over her at the moment of her arrival. But I knew that my time would come...so I waited.

And when we were finally together again, I didn't want to let her go. She laid across my chest and as if she'd done it a thousand times before, she nursed. And she rested all tucked snug in my arms. And I knew I would never be the same.

My eyes, my arms, my lips...they had experienced a new touch, a new sight, a new feeling. My heart had witnessed a holy happening and I wished I had words to share with everyone what my whole being was feeling during those moments. And still, I am at loss for those words. I had waited for so long.

Oh little Loralai Whitney. Your eyelashes are long like your mama's and like her daddy's. Your toes are long like your daddy's and your eyes brown like his, too. Your cheeks are dimple kissed like your mama's and her mama's. And to behold your chubby thighs and body is to glimpse at pictures of your mama when she was just a babe. And those eyebrows. Oh sweet one, I'm sorry and happy to say that those you got from your mama, too. They'll be the give away for every tale you tell and every moment of joy you experience. And those long fingers. Your daddy will be thrilled if you put those to playing a piano or guitar. And that precious raspy little voice that you speak with. No sound is sweeter than hearing you say mommy or da-deee. And I pray that with that same sweetness you utter holy praises to your Creator - because baby, he loves you more than even I or your daddy ever could.

I wonder what the years will bring, sweet one. More giggles. More snack times with dancing intermissions. More happy dances when daddy comes home. More time together. More time to learn what it is to love, what it is to receive love and to reflect love.

Loralai, you are a wonder to behold. My eyes take you in in new ways every day. My heart fills up every time I hear your voice. My purpose has changed and my love for our God has become sweeter and full of thanks. I feel so honored that God chose me and your daddy to care for you. I can only imagine what the next year will bring. More tears, I'm sure.

Because every time I look at the pictures of you when you were so new I wonder if my heart will ever be able to capture that holy moment again. But surely it will. Maybe not for a while, but it will. Because you know what? I believe that when God brings life into this world, he gives us a short and sweet moment of his joy - his creation. Imagine when we are born again into our eternal resting place with Him. Oh dear one, I pray for forever with you and your daddy. That as much as the angels rejoiced when we were born, here, that their singing will hark the heavens in a mighty way when we arrive Home.

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet little Loralai. You are the most precious, squishable, silly, fluff-head your daddy and I have ever known.

Glory glory glory to God for offering us such a sweet piece of life on this earth. Peace.

Babies are a magnificent wonder. Life. Precious life.

the dusk 'til dawn day

2009-02-16T20:41:00.000-05:00

i think i don't remember what it was like to work in a cubicle, or an office. i think i've forgotten what it feels like to get up and brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, dry my hair, do my hair, drink a cup of coffee, eat breakfast...without a baby at my feet. because these days, i pretty much just brush my teeth and wash my face - everything else has somehow become either optional or just doesn't fit into the tiny window of time that i call morning when todd is here. and so i think things have changed just a bit around our house. just a little.

at least i know my boobs have.

they sag. and i'm glad for that. they've served their purpose. and now every night when todd hands loralai over to me after she's all smelly good and in her jammies, the first thing she does is tug at my shirt and say "muk" (milk). i smile. because the second that we sit into the rocker, she snuggles right down and has her last gulps of milk for the night. and as she switches sides she usually looks up and says with a big smile, "hi." as if i'd forgotten she was there.

i could never forget what it feels like to be a mother.

now a woman with a day job - that i've forgotten about. i mean i remember it, sure, but just in waves. i think anyone who's ever found their dream job will tell you that all other jobs have faded into some distant foggy memory. they pale in comparison.

and i've most certainly found my dream job. though i would like it if i had the ambition to dress cuter and do my hair more often. but my boss doesn't seem to mind and the job description usually comes with laughing a lot, dancing, shaking my head and making crazy faces...and really wearing cute clothes and having sassy hair just doesn't make sense when it's all going to get banana smeared and pulled out of its place. so i don't fuss over it.

i don't fuss over a lot of what i used to fuss over. but some things, admittedly, i'm worse about. like: organization and messes. since the house is now my office, i like for things to be in their place - or else my absent mind can't find things when they're absent from where they should be because they're really where they could be when i put them where they ought not to be.

and it's true what people say about when you have kids, you lose privacy. you do. just accept it. unless you have complete control over your body, and i don't and don't know anyone who does - especially post-baby-bodied moms - unless you can tell your body to poop during nap time, you're gonna have to poop on the job in front of little toddler eyes. you learn to do things faster after having babies, too. like pooping. and brushing your teeth. and eating your lunch standing up, or in the car, or pushing the stroller, or out of a bag in line somewhere...or perhaps you could hold out and timed it perfectly and you can eat at nap time. those are the good days.

but i have. i've forgotten what it was like to have a mean boss or to work for a corporation and see adults all day. i mean i miss the adults, i suppose, but nothing touches talking to your kid all day. i'd rather guess what loralai is saying than try to figure out some doctor's handwriting, any day. and i'm thankful that i get to.

my job seems like a dream. some days i feel like i'm on vacation. and i start to panic. i wonder if, at any minute, the 'you're fired' slip is going to be handed to me and back to work i'll have to go. so on those days, i try to make sure that i'm the best mama ever. not that i don't try to be good every day - but some days. some days i'm just more thankful, and more aware, than other days at how good i've really got it. every day i get to pour love into the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. i get to stare into the biggest brown eyes and dimpled cheeks and i get to laugh at and with this short little chubby girl who has so quickly become one of my best friends.

bet you never knew a nearly 30 year old would consider a nearly 1 year old her best friend. but how couldn't i? we share everything - except clothes - and love each other like mad and miss each other when we're away. motherhood is a droopy mixed bag of love. it's filled with highs and lows and sleep and sleeplessness and naps and why aren't you napping yet? and snacks and science experiments and finger paint and wet wipes and praying over toys you know are filled to the brim with germs and the only disinfectant is the One who can wipe clean everything...even the very last tear we'll shed before arriving in heaven.

and so every day i wake up and i look at this little heavenly gifted face and i think - really? me? i get to spend the whole day playing mommy? cause surely i don't deserve to have a job like this. but i do. and i love it. i mean i love love love love love it and i would fight tooth and nail just to keep it. i think what stay-at-home moms do is a sacred and precious calling. and i know that this first year at home is just the beginning of a beautiful ministry that God has planted in my heart and in our home.

oh thank you Lord Jesus for our baby and for letting me stay home with her. and thank you for every cold you've allowed me to tend to, for every tear you've given me privilege of wiping, of every hug you've let me surround loralai with...thank you for inviting me to be the one who gets to pour your word into our baby from nine to five. nothing makes me more joy filled than knowing that you chose me to be the mother of this sweet one...and nothing surprised me more than finding out that it was through learning to love a helpless little baby that i would learn what love is - that i would feel Your love.

motherhood is a sweet adventure.

and tomorrow's a big day. i'm gonna do my hair.

love love love

2009-02-13T14:08:00.004-05:00

I love listening to Beth Moore. Her insight into God's word is precious. In particular, I love her talk titled The Lord God Made a Woman. And as Valentine's is tomorrow, I keep thinking about love - and our desire to love and be loved. And how crucial that is in our lives, as humans. We're called to love, but because we were made in God's image we also desire to be loved.

And as women, because we were designed to be nurturers and helpers...sometimes we get our calling confused with our desires. Sometimes we forget that Jesus is our groom and everything else comes after him. Sometimes we get so lost in our loneliness and in our singleness and in our self-pity that we forget. We're deceived. We fall victim to the voice of doubt and succomb to the world and we seek after a man to fill a void. So that we won't be alone.

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be loved. But the wrong part of it is seeking after a man before you've sought after the Man. God wants so badly to be the one you call on first. He wants to guide you in your relationships - in your seeking. He wants to be the voice of truth you listen to - not Oprah, not a relationship website, not a horoscope. Him. He wants you to be able to listen to the Holy Spirit's promptings - the Spirit's warnings and heedings, or his excitement and jubilation. There is no other beautiful thing than to fall in love, first, with God and secondly with your to-be husband.

Let God sanctify, make holy, your longings, your passion, before you grab hold of love in an effort to fill the void that only Jesus can.

below is a paraphrased exerpt from the Lord God Made a Woman. I would gladly make a copy of this for anyone who wants it - it's hilarious, it makes you cry, jump up and down and get excited all over again, or for the first time, for the One who made you a woman.

You were born for passion! And any kind of religion that teaches you to keep that contained is a lie. ...And all that tells you is this: I will find passion elsewhere. Because that's how much it means to us. We will jump up and down like crazy at a basketball or soccer game but the whole concept of SHOUT TO THE LORD seems foreign - there are times that isn't appropriate - God himself sets the theme of our praise - there are times to sit still for him - but there are times to JUMP AND DOWN for the Lord Jesus. He would come and walk and sanctify our longings - we are driven by them - so if they're (longings) out of wack ...single women: you want to have your heart satisfied with Jesus, and seek wholeness with him, before you ever DREAM of walking down the aisle with a man. Because in our unhealthy state we will marry unhealthy!

If you're single, I'm praying for the Holy Spirit to protect you with wisdom and counsel and to shower you with more love than you ever knew you could feel, apart from a man. I'm praying that God will enter in where you thought you needed a spouse and as a result of your love affair with the King, you will be blessed with a spouse who is so in love with Jesus that the very longing of your heart will be sealed with a precious kiss from the one God has ordained you to live with on this earth. I'm praying for your love to be holy and pure - free from any misgivings or lies - free from deception - free from sexual impurity - free from thinking that you have to give of yourself physically before marriage. I'm praying for freedom over you life so that you can move into marriage in love with God. And if you're married and you struggle with love, I'm praying for you too. I'm praying that God will replace your hurt with his love and that the love you'll be able to give your spouse will be an overflowing of the Holy Spirit.

God is so good and so capable and able and willing to love us and teach us how to love. Even with our mistakes. Even with our successes. He teaches us. We just have to shoosh long enough to hear the voice of his spirit - we have to shoosh long enough to get rid of our longings that are selfish and wait on hearing the precious plan that God has laid out especially for our own unique lives.

God's peace, friends.

our boulevard

2009-02-11T13:48:00.005-05:00

she sat on my brown couch and told me everything was just fine. really. and all i said was, "it's not ok. and it's ok to feel like it's not ok." that's all it took.

the tears poured down.

she's sixteen. she goes to church by herself. she's skipping school. she's hanging out with older guys. she's praying. she's mad. she's sad. and she's alone a lot of the time.

her parents work odd hours and so the regular 9-5 day doesn't exist at her house - it hasn't for a long time. i'm not sure the details of the inner workings of her family. do we really know any other family's intimate moments, other than our own? i doubt it. and so i go on what her face is telling me - what her tears are saying - what her hands covering her face and nervously playing with her hair tell me.

and i hear her tell me that her mom has left. she left three children. i hurt so desperately bad for her. and i want to join in the anger against her mom, but i know that's not the answer. but still, i have this humanly desire to rush over to her mother's new cozy apartment - free, apparently, from motherly parental duties - and shake sense back into her. remind her that it was those three children that she carried in her womb. that she has been given charge over their lives and, i'm sorry, but you do not GET the convenience of up and leaving them. and you do not get the convenience of leaving your husband just because you're tired of him.

i speculate all of this in my mind as we talk. but it's no good. i haven't a clue of the hurt that went on in that house. but i tell this sweet girl the truth. marriage can be hard. and there are things that happened between her parents over the last twenty years that she'll never know about or understand. and that just as wrong as one may be, she must work desperately hard to try to forgive them now. or hate will build. it will. she nods her head in understanding.

she's wise for such young years.

and she's beautiful. and simple and complex and talented and smart. and i'm so torn. i want to sit on the couch next to her and hug her and tell her that everything will be alright. but i don't. she tells me that she wants her dad to be happy - she gets sick when her mom mentions another man's name. and so i tell her the truth: your parents stood before God and made a covenant, a promise, to never forsake one another. they became one. and that's why it's so confusing when they're apart - to name them individually - it's foreign because they aren't two anymore. they're one. they should be together and, as children, it's so hard to feel them apart. you are sensitive to the breaking of that covenant. she nods - her eyes show complete understanding.

she's so wise for such young years.

and she's beautiful. and simple and complex and talented and smart. and i'm so torn. and i sit in awe. i feel like i'm staring at a sixteen year old version of me - minus the rebellion. i didn't rebel or have that desire. but i was mad and hurt and felt so alone and confused and helpless. and i didn't know where to turn. and i went to church by myself. but i didn't talk to anyone who was a christian. so i sat in my anger.

and i look at this sweet girl sitting across from me on my brown couch and i think - how can i help, Lord? let me help. let me show her the love of a Godly woman. please give me and todd the chance to show their family the love of Jesus. oh PLEASE God, let us show them your hands and feet. let us show them how you love them...how their family can be redeemed, restored, reconciled.

i offer my love to her. i tell her that i will be praying. and i tell her that i do really know her pain. and the tears just stream down her face. a kindrid spirit, perhaps? uggh. how heartbreaking to know that through my own hurt, i'm able to relate to this child. it seems so sad to me that any of us might experience this kind of pain. but God delights in those who suffer and are restored - those that will go on and share his love with his children. he loves it when we help a sister run the race - when we carry one another's burdens - when we provide in his name - when we stand next to one another and spur each other on so that we might persevere in the name of the one who is Love.

so here i sit, blogging. and i know that it's by no mistake that God placed me in this house at this very moment. i can rain prayer over my friend's home. i can see her come and go during the day and night. my home is a safe refuge for her to run to if she needs it. and my life is a living testimony that through a broken family can come a redeemed life. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (romans 8)

i am certain that nothing can separate us from the love of God.

but HOW WILL WE FEEL GOD'S LOVE if we feel that ALL that represents love has fallen apart?

HOW?

to love your neighbor as yourself.

love. love is selfless. it's kind. it's giving. love never fails.

and i sit there staring at the sweet life sitting across from me on that brown couch. and i think - she must have been precious the day she was born. a sweet little bundle of hope. and she still is. and God sees her as such. he knew the day, the time, the place where she would arrive. and he knew that this moment would come - that her heart would break because of the actions of someone else. consequence of sin. and he knew that my blue eyes would stare into her green and yearn to love her. he knew that my heart would have been hardened and then softened - for this moment.

and she is beautiful. and young. and complex. and a teenager. and her spirit can either grow towards God or away. and i can help foster that or ignore it. imagine if i choose to not love my neighbor. i'd have to literally turn my face away from Jesus.

and she is talented. and creative. and smart. and so wise for her young years. and i pray - Lord, let me show her the love i was desperate for at sixteen. please, Lord, let me show her You.

and so i ask for prayers. please pray for children of divorce. pray for their souls. pray for their spirits to not be broken and their joy not robbed. it is NO ONE's right to steal their joy. let's fight together against the robber of joy and let's show our neighbors what Love is.

that God is LOVE.

God's peace to you, friends.

due time.

2009-02-05T09:50:00.004-05:00

february 5, 2008. that's a year ago today. that was our due date with loralai. i had been given dr's orders to be done with work, what with PUPPS ravaging my body and all. but by this time, thank you Lord, the PUPPS was chilling out a bit. but my poor 'ole body was tired. i was carrying a huge baby and all things swollen. you know the original crocs? right. mine were the only thing i could put my foot in and my feet touched the walls of the crocs. my feet were ginormous. as was my abdomen. and so i walked. i would walk the neighborhood and look at the blooming camellias and get gawking akward stares from neighbors. some would shout from their porches some little sarcastic comment about me needing to go ahead and have that baby already. i would smile. and then flip them off. no no. i didn't do that. but don't think the thought didn't cross my mind. still, i would smile. i was ready for this baby to get out of my belly. i was ready to be done with the two hour spans of sleep at night (ha. if i only knew that those spans would be the trend for the next month to come), to not feel the urge to pee upon standing every time, to breathe a full breath of air, to be able to bend my spine, to be able to sleep on my back without being suffocated, to be able to touch my toes and to just feel like i wasn't being held captive in my body anymore. i was so excited to be a mom, but so ready to be done being pregnant. it was a long pregnancy. i loved every minute of feeling loralai move around - it's indescribable to feel life growing inside of you. it's such a sacred thing between a mommy and her unborn.

but february fifth, oh man. i woke up knowing for sure that this little baby would pop out that day or at least a day or two later. nope. two weeks later, loralai came out. all nine pounds, nine ounces of her. i ate well. i swam. i thought i did everything 'right' in an effort to have a healthy baby. and i suppose i did. she was as hardy as they come and as peaceful as a baby could be. but i thought, for sure, that she'd come out on a guessed date and be easy for the birthing.

ok, so i was a little naive. the doctors: they guess. that date. it's just a guess. and childbirth, well, it's got a mind all its own. there wasn't a thing i could have done to make things happen any differently. i, just as loralai was, was a guest in my own body. i was at mercy of God's will. and he definitely showed me that all my planning didn't mean squat to what he was working out.

sometimes, you just have to surrender. i just have to surrender.

so february fifth came and went. and i walked. and waited.

and i looked at the camellias a little more - i even cut some and put them in vases. and i cleaned the house as i heaved my engorged belly around with me. and i cleaned dishes while standing at least a foot and a half away from the sink (try it. it's funny.). and todd rubbed my feet one more time with lotion, in hopes to ease my foot pain and push some of the fluid back into my body. and i prayed one more time that God would bring loralai to see us that night.

and i snuggled in bed. probably watched a wink of tv and fell asleep while todd shook his head wondering how a woman can fall asleep in mid sentence. and i awoke on february six to...to pregnancy.

and, i waited.

i used to say this.

2009-01-29T09:43:00.005-05:00

now i lay me down to sleep.

i pray the Lord my soul to keep.

when in the morning eye wide and awake.

pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless...

mommy, daddy, bryan, ashley, ollie, cary, zap, the crabs, the fish, the bird, the rabbits, doc, shelly, and allll of our animals. God bless the good people, bad people, white people, black people, purple people, red people, orange people, yellow people, allll the people in the world. God please forgive me of my sins and help me to be a better person tomorrow.

and then i'd pray for God to please let me marry some boy that i currently had a crush on.

how innocent. i mean look at that. i prayed for every bloomin' animal that lived under our household - and we had a lot and that doesn't include them all. we had hamsters, guinea pigs, turtles, snakes...our house was a zoo most times. and i prayed for every person in the world. do you see that? good people and bad people. in my little heart, there was no one outside of God's reach to love. i remember praying that prayer, mostly, while living in the house we lived in the longest. so let's say that prayer began somewhere around 5 years old. and that was the same prayer i continued to say...now. i say it still. i say it still as i lay my head down at night just to remind me of that innocence. it's the catalyst that gets my heart praying in all different directions. it's almost like i pray that prayer and i'm looking back at a little girl who isn't me. cause let's face it. when you're a child, you're so different.

when does that change? when do we lose the faith that we had in childhood?

God says that we were created for him and by him. if that's so, then something in us must yearn to be with the one who created us. i know that i used to have a near panic attack if i lost sight of my mom in a grocery store. lordy me, if i lost sight of her once, i lost sight a million times. and i'd hollar out, "mooooommmm!" of course all moms would turn and i'd be embarrassed. but i needed my mom and my dad. they were my lifeline. but so was God. so is God. and children know that. it may not come out as knowing that Jesus is the son of God...but they know something bigger is at hand and they know love sweeter than we do. their love has yet to be spoiled by the world.

they still hold hands with classmates who don't feel good - just in hopes that holding their hand will help them feel better. they still cry when their goldfish die. they kiss the tops of frogs backs. they take in deep breaths and giggle when the wind blows suddenly. they hug with a fierce intensity as if it's the only hug they'll ever be able to give you and they want it to be the one you'll always feel and remember. they smile at everyone despite whether they smile back. they love sitting near the ones they love.

my sister-n-law told me that when her oldest son started preschool, he had a precious little black girl in his classroom. i guess my nephew hadn't really been around anyone with a skin tone different than his before. the teacher informed my sister-n-law, that day at pickup, that my nephew had stood in awe of this little girl and just stared at her while he said, "she's beeeauuuuutiful." see, isn't that it? no prejudices - just a heart that was made to love, loving.

somewhere along our way, satan starts rubbing in lies. he starts telling us that our skin tone is prettier than another, that a certain face shape is most perfect, that blue eyes are better than brown, that you don't have to smile at everyone and you definitely don't have to be nice to everyone. but those are all lies. nowhere did jesus say - hate your neighbor or be unfriendly to him when he wrongs you or when you're in a bad mood or when you want to, just ignore him if you're in a hurry.

i know that we can't keep innocence innocent forever. i'm fully aware that our minds are invaded and bombarded by worldly thinking. but the one thing we can do is practice innocence. we can be aware of where our innocence is tarnished and be more intentional in how we love. after all, the loving we do isn't for us anyway. we love others so that they will feel loved. and if they feel loved, maybe their hearts will be positioned and open a little more and a little easier to receiving the love of Christ.

faith like a child. isn't it precious?

shirley was in my kindergarden class. she came back to school after having a nasty bout of chicken pox. she was from a poor family and i knew her clothes were different from mine. and when she came back to school, her spirit seemed so broken. she was so embarrassed by all the pox scars all over her face and arms. and so on the way to the cafeteria for lunch, i grabbed shirley's hand and held it as we walked and i told her, "it's gonna be alright."

i don't say that to pat myself on the back. i say that looking back at a little girl who i'm proud of - because i'm not her anymore. but i want to be. i stand in awe of the faith and love i had as a little one - like all little ones have.

faith like a child. i want to practice that more and foster that in loralai so that she knows that in a world that's full of lies, it's still ok to love like Jesus.

look at that - faith that no one's gonna let go of her so that she can sit on that table without crashing to the ground. isn't it precious? no doubt. no worries. just pure chicken, peas and i'm ready to swing joy!

the heart of the man

2009-01-26T09:35:00.004-05:00

At church yesterday, our pastor mentioned something about being in a desert. How God allows us to pass through dry and desolate places in our life so that, maybe, we'll get a clue. Maybe we'll quit buying new clothes...oh you know, just doing the whole "retail therapy". It's not wrong to buy new stuff, but why in the world DO we buy new stuff? So many times we succomb to the marketing and think we need something because it's newer, better, brighter, shinier, works better than the old thing we've got...make your list. It's true.

And every now and again, if we still ourselves, we realize that even though we keep buying all of the stuff, the void is still present. Or even if we keep moving town to town, the void is still there. Or even if we keep getting new haircuts, we still feel unpretty. It's not the change of things and locations that can renew our outlook...it's God.

Scripture tells Ruth that she will be renewed after being widowed. The Psalms sing of our spirit being renewed. Job says that he will wait patiently for his body to be renewed. Jesus says that we will be made new with the cleansing of sin and renewal of our bodies when the Holy Spirit is invited in.

Crazy isn't it? God makes it completely clear that it is HIM who makes all things new and yet we still try to take the reigns and study enough, read enough self help books, talk our way through interviews with enough smarts, and when things pan out as they should according to our measure...we take credit. It's not to say that we have no part in our success or failure. Because we do. We play a crucial part in whether we'll stand behind the door as Jesus knocks and let him in or pretend he's some crazy guy knocking on our door in the middle of the night.

Friend, if you're reading this and you've wondered and contemplated about where you are in life, please don't keep looking into yourself for answers. The answers don't come from our own creative selves, they come from God. The first real Creative. Pray to the one true God and ask him what the next steps are. Ask him to show you, in baby steps, what it looks like to walk in faith. I promise you he won't overwhelm you with some huge leap that you aren't able to take. Because whatever he asks of you, he knows you can do, can handle, are capable of and were created for.

As a mom, I'm fully aware of Loralai's limitations. I know when she's standing, balancing, that there comes a point in her new little leg muscles where she's just gonna tumble over. And that's ok. But each time she stands, I try to encourage her to stand a little longer. And she does. And she'll stand longer soon. And not so much because I made her stand, but because she was created to do so. If I carried her around all day on my hip, she'd never know she was capable of such awesome movement.

But you're capable, friend. You're equipped. Don't you know that before the universe was ever made, God knew you and had you in mind. He did. And he still keeps you in mind. He knows your heart. And he knows your motives - all of them. All of mine. And all he asks is that we consult with him - our Father. The one who knows what is best for us and has a precious plan for us, for Him. Our lives were created to glorify him. Wouldn't it be better if we aligned ourselves with him so that our lives glorified him in peace rather than personal destruction? It's not to say that walking with God means that our lives will be void of pain, but walking with God is the only way you know that you're walking towards glory.

Some friends recently led me to 1 Samuel 16. Read this: 7 But God told Samuel, "Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with his looks and stature. I've already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart."

Can you imagine? You're overweight, you're wrinkling, your hair is graying, your crow lines deepening, your job is stinking, your finances are in the pits, you have a pretty car and awesome wardrobe. So WHAT! None of that matters and all of that matters. It only matters if you place all of your stock, your faith, your identity in the stuff, the job, the situation...

What if we remember what God told Samuel...what if we allow that to soak into the dry spots of our hearts and remember that God knows our hearts. There's nothing we can hide from God - so let's come clean.

If you're afraid that your life will look different when you start really walking with God, well it will. But it's nothing to fear. Your relationships may become fewer, but they're deeper. Your money may be less, but you're far richer. Your wardrobe may stay the same, but you're far more beautiful. Don't you see...God lavishes himself on those whose heart are positioned for His. It matters not what stuff we have, or how rich we are financially...he just wants us to open our arms, turn our hands up in surrender and quiet ourselves so that his Spirit can start working something beautiful in us.

So that we really can become new.

Let God direct your path - let him lead you in baby steps to your next job, your next purchase, your next move...and see this world with new eyes.

Don't you remember, or haven't you heard it said,
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Rev 3:20)

somewhere small

2009-01-10T18:56:00.003-05:00

When I was in college I visited a church several times that met in a middle school. I liked it very much. I liked the music. I always understood the message - it never seemed to go over my head with theology that was confusing. But I didn't stick with it. I didn't really stick with much back then.

I moved away after college and after three plus years, I returned to Wilmington. I didn't want to go back to that church. But I did - want to, that is. It was a torn emotion. For some reason I had these resentful feelings toward the church. Doesn't that sound stupid? I think I knew that if I'd gotten my act together and made different choices that I wouldn't have been churchless in a town where I felt void of God. While God is everywhere, I never seemed to find a place where I could worship comfortably or receive truth in that town. It was disheartening and I was in a place where I think I put up a wall between myself and God - I kept sinning and God kept telling me I was wrong and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear - job well done. Perfect.

So when I returned, I went to another church. I liked it a lot, too. But I still felt a nagging feeling to back to the school church. I figured it would be the same: few people, good message, decent music, etc. But oh no. It was: lots of people, amazing message, beautiful music, uncomfortable worship. Uncomfortable because I'd never felt a desire to worship so much and yet not want to - yet.

And now, that church that I went to in college (with maybe 20-30) people present is a megachurch. Right. I know. Roll your eyes. We have thousands of people who attend. Crazy, isn't it? One place where thousands of people can come to receive truth. Mike never knew what God was working out when he asked him to be pastor. He never conceived he would minister to thousands - and then reach so many more half a world away.

But none of us know, do we? We're just asked to be obedient.

Obedient to what?

I know. It's overwhelming to think about sometimes. But there's a song that says if love is what it's all about, then why am I so scared? If we're supposed to live our lives For God and if God is love - not like love or reflecting love, but IS love - then what are we afraid of? Why do we act out in rebellion against God?

He asks us to be kind. He asks us to not change a city of people by convincing them that their ways are wrong but by sharing with them the Way. The only Way. Imagine if we shared with people the truth that we hold in our hearts. Imagine if people saw us acting in obedience - actually being followers of the Way. Imagine if people saw us sin, and then ask for forgiveness in humility. What if we didn't retaliate when we were mad. What if spoke freely and sweetly about the love that God gives us through Jesus.

Does it paralyze you think about acting out what God has asked you to do? Sometimes it does me. I get tongue-tied and feel stupid. I worry if I'll say the wrong words, offend, hurt or anger someone. I never want anyone to think that what I'm saying is judgemental. It's not me who judges, but sometimes I fear for those who live their lives as though God doesn't exist - because he knows. And He judges. And I'm desperate for them to know of his love - to know that he IS Love.

God is Love. God is Love. God IS Love.

Really pray on that. It's completely amazing.

I wish I knew that years ago. But then I wouldn't be where I am. My story, my life, would be different. God uses it all. He uses the baby that died at birth or before birth, the dad whose life was self-destructive, the poverty-stricken mother, the widow, the divorcee - he doesn't leave a stone unturned. Don't you see - there is nothing out of reach of God. God didn't bring Jesus to earth to pour out some list of sweet words for us to suck on for eternity - he brought him here to offer salvation to a broken world.

Not a one of us is perfect or free from brokenness. I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this now. I have so many different directions I want to dart off into right now. So I guess I'll just pick one -

When Loralai crawls over to me and pulls up on my leg and tries to crawl up into my lap while saying this sweet little voiced 'mama ma ma ma', I nearly melt. It really does make me feel so incredibly rich to hear her say mama. I well up with a crazy amount of pride when she holds up her green pea and says 'baow' (ball). Did God really give me the job of nourishing, nurturing, caring for and teaching her his word - his love? I feel so undeserving and yet so incredibly priveleged.

This is just the beginning. Each day when I pray with her or talk to her about Jesus or dance crazy no makeup, stinky morning breath, pajama dancing to praise music, I know that there was no other job meant for me than this one. I know that each word I speak to her about God's love - each act of kindness she sees me offer is just one step of obedience. Just one. It's the beginning. I don't know what of. But it's the beginning. I don't know if I'm growing a megachurch, but I'm going to give my everloving best try at pouring so much love into Loralai Whitney that she will never ever doubt the love of the Savior.

And I'm going to quit holding in my excitement for Jesus as we walk through Costco and I'm nearly bursting with the Holy Spirit's giddiness that we just scored on cheap diapers and a chance to talk about God with a shopper - I'm going to start praising God right there. Why not? I want my daughter to remember her childhood days as being ones filled with a mama who was crazy...crazy in love with the King.

When Mike started our church with his brother-n-law, he never saw it coming. But each Sunday he poured his ever loving heart into every word he spoke about God.

It all starts somewhere - somewhere small. We just have to be obedient in our calling to live in the Way so that others might know love.

God is Love. man, still, I say that and it's just so big - that's so much!

servant

2009-01-02T10:36:00.002-05:00

i'm reading a book right now - really i'm reading five books. and surprisingly they all work together well. but the one i'm talking about is one by francine rivers. it's the first in a series. and it's awesome. if you've never read anything by her, i suggest you do. her writing inspires new relationship with God.

I'm only a quarter of the way into the book and I'm already struck by one of the character's selflessness. Her family was murdered by Romans. She was living among Jews and is a Christian. So she isn't accepted - and many people don't even know she's a Christian. She lived in a time where Christianity was looked down upon and people in Rome were killed for their faith in the risen Messiah - the Messiah they laughed at; that they didn't believe existed. But Hadassah - that's the girl's name - is beautiful. She's young and frail, having been starved, and has just been bought into slavery in Rome. She's the maidservant to a 15 year old girl who lives with her extremely rich family. They worship gods. Several gods. Gods who are idols whose statues live in their house - who they see. Haddasah worships God - the trinity God. God the father, the son and the holy spirit. She believes in the risen lord and knows that the secret she holds, the truth, is the one thing that has set her free and that can kill her.

And still she serves. Still, she gets up nightly and walks into the family's garden and kneels and prays before her unseen God. The brother sees her, questions her and wonders why she would pray to an unseen God - and wonders why she thinks her God has had mercy onher when she's now a slave, her homeland destroyed and her family murdered. Her answer is that her God loves her - she's alive, has food, a place to live. He's both annoyed and fascinated with her peace. And he's in awe of how she loves. He watches Haddassah handle his difficult sister with love. And he's moved when this young little girl looks up at him with big brown eyes and tenderly says, "i hope you find peace, my lord."

She who is alone and without anyone she's ever known is praying for peace for someone else. And that someone else is wondering how on earth she has peace - she shouldn't. And she shouldn't be so selfless. She strokes his sister's hair. Holds her when she cries. Offers stories from the old testament about Jonah and the Whale, David and Goliath, and the stories are absorbed. God's truth has been spoken. She sings worship songs over her owner and calms her spirit. She jumps when called upon and always answers with a kind word when spoken to harshly. And she never lies and is always ready to answer truthfully but with tact and sweetness so that the truth can be received.

I so admire this little girl. Her faith is beyond what I've had to face. She's without written scripture, fellowship or teaching of God's word. And yet she hasn't succommed to temptation or fallen away from the truth or denied God. She is precious and brave. She isn't particularly pretty to look at and yet people are falling in love with her beauty.

I like that I've been raised to be well-rounded and know how to work with my hands. I know how to fix things and cook things. I know how to organize things and delegate and teach. But I dare say that myself and most women I know struggle with serving. We do it, sure, but we always want something in return. Credit, a thanks, appreciation...just something. I don't think those desires to be acknowledged will ever disappear but I'm really hoping that what increases is the ease in serving. That serving will flow more naturally...despite if someone likes my cooking, or cares if I've vacuumed four times in a week, or if anyone notices how long and far I've traveled to help, or how hard I prayed to give them just the right words. I want serving to be an overflowing result of my love affair with Jesus - not myself.

I'm glad I have Haddassah to remember when I'm serving. I'm glad I have Jesus who served to lead, to show me what Love really is.

home for christmas

2008-12-28T20:24:00.004-05:00

we went to my mom's house for christmas this year. it was a good time. and it was a treat for me to get to have that much time with my mom. being a stay-at-home mom definitely has its perks. like not having to ask the boss for time off - or to travel anyway. time off is scarce. :) so while loralai napped, we made cookies, cooked tasty foods, laughed, laughed and laughed. if mom gets the giggles, we're over. she laughs and i fall in line and then we're useless. but it's the best.
my brother and his three kids live a few miles away and so we got to see them a lot. and they're so much fun. loralai gave turner (the oldest) a big smooch on the face - an open mouthed smooch - and turner just looked at her like, 'umm, eew.' but i think he secretly liked it. he's such a sweet little guy. and wyatt, the middle child, did what all middle children do best...he slung his dinner plate on the floor one night. end of the day, no nap, in need of some attention....strawberries went rolling. i don't think it will be funny if my kids do that, but it was sort of funny watching him do it. i wish i had written down the things that they said while i was there. but i didn't. and my mama memory fails me. so just trust me when i say that they're funny. they are. and carly, their 4mo. old baby sister, is in for it. or maybe the boys are in for it. she might have them dressed in girl clothes before it's all over. but if not, she's sure to be the toughest little girl on their circle.
christmas is always sweet. and it's always a little bit of a let down when life goes back to normal. but such is life.

maybe this year we can try to hold onto the sweetness of christmas that is jesus - and not just the cookies or the excess christmas weight.

i hope everyone had easy travels and fun times with their families.

mom with her grandbabies.

a happy baby eating a christmas day snack of yogurt

loralai's christmas present to todd

making the present was a mess of fun

God is everywhere. Even Wal-Mart.

2008-12-15T13:59:00.006-05:00

Today I had a divine encounter at Wal-Mart. I know what you're thinking: what could Possibly be divine about Wal-Mart? Well, God's everywhere ya'll. Don't be so quick to think that He doesn't work miracles at Wal-Mart...or answer prayer.

So the story goes like this: I made my way to Wal-Mart in search of a few little Christmas gifts to finish up my shopping. The shopping trip was a bust because I didn't find the gifts I was hoping they had. But I'm pretty sure that God didn't intend on me finding what was on my Christmas gift list anyway.

Let me explain.

As we (me and Loralai) were checking out, Loralai was eating her cheerios, I was making conversation with the woman behind me in line (mainly because Loralai makes it so easy to talk to everyone since she's quick to say hello to, well, everyone), and waiting patiently to get to the register. Wal-Mart is the pits for checking out. Anyway, so in front of me was a dear old woman. I don't know, maybe 80s. I'm a poor judge of age. But she was a little slumped in the back and completely white haired and just sweet looking. So it took her a little bit to get her items back into her cart after check out - no problem. But the cashier already rang up all of my items and told me my total before my cart had even reached the bagging area because our older friend was still putting her things in her cart. It hurt my feelings that the cashier was so quick to dismiss the help that our friend needed. So I told her I would wait; that I didn't want to rush our friend as she was loading her cart.

And then I prayed. I had a short little conversation with God as I stared at the back of my white haired friend and admired her green pants and pretty white knit sweater.

After my bag was back in my cart, we said goodbye to our other friend and made our way to our car. As we approached the car, there was a really apprehensive woman getting out of a car parked directly in front of ours. She started hollaring to the guy walking behind me and asked him if he could help her get their car jumped. Their batter had died. At first I thought, 'does she know him? wow. that's pretty convenient that someone she knew was walking by at the exact same time that she needed him.' Then I realized that she had no clue who he was but bypassed me to ask him for help because she thought he would more likely help her. He was black. So was she. And I guess she just thought that a little white girl would be less likely to extend her hand.

Man, this sucks. She was right. And not because she was black, so much, as she was just rough looking around the edges. So as I was getting Loralai out of the cart, I had this really fast internal conversation with myself and God. And it went something like this: ok, just don't make eye contact with them, get in the car and be on your way. That guy will help them. But then God jumped in and said, 'what are you afraid of? you're right there. just help them.'

And so I ate my words, God's word, and all of the "wisdom" I've dished out and I did it. I moved. And I said, "do you need help?" And she started talking a mile a minute saying something like: my daddy's car is broke down and the battery died and we just need to jump it and he has jumper cables and... And then she started yelling at her dad. She was mad that he was on his cell phone and there she was trying to get them rescued and all he could do was talk on the phone (i'm sure he was calling for help, too. so he just ignored her)

So she was yelling at her dad. Hollaring and fighsty. And then I noticed that her t-shirt said, "Jesus is my lifeguard." And so I said to her kindly, "if Jesus is your lifeguard, just calm down and we'll get all of this worked out. He's got it taken care of. we'll get your car started." To which she replied, "you are a God bless-ed woman. do you see how my spirit is calmin' down right now as you talk to me?" (Oh jeez. I wanted to tell her that I'm a dang 'ole fool most the time, but thanks for the compliment.) And then she went blabbering again to her dad and so I kindly said to her, "If Jesus gives the sparrows exactly what they need, He'll do the same for you. It's going to be ok." And she said, "yea. that's right."

And so she stood waiting. And finally, out stepped this old man. He looked like he'd worked a hard life. He had few teeth, worn hands, a back bent forward but he was happy. He opened the hood of his car and propped up the hood with an old broom handle and proceeded to connect the cables from his car to mine. I praised him for being so prepared with cables.

I cranked my car and then stood by the back door where Loralai sat in her seat. And I just told her that we were helping some friends who needed it. And I stood there with her as I thanked Jesus for the awesome opportunity to be able to help - and for getting me out of my comfort zone to help some folks who might not have "looked" the approachable part but were. The more I stood there, the more I was convicted of my prejudice. I wondered how often I judge people for how they look, for how their car looks, or how often people judge me for how I look, or how my car looks.

I don't know their names. I just know that they were black. The woman was maybe in her 50s and the father was probably in his 80s. And I know that when I left the woman said to me, "thank you for your help. God knew we needed you and so he sent you out here at just the right time." To which I replied, "well, maybe I needed you too." And we hugged and off I went. (oh yea, their car started up smoothly after what seemed like a million tries).

And I was so excited that God used me to help someone and that he broke me out of my comfort zone that I got right on the phone to call Todd and tell him. But it wasn't until I was on the phone with him that it hit me - or that God revealed the sweetness behind it all. And then, while the phone was ringing, I was bursting with excitement.

God had answered my prayer.

While I was in line, waiting to be checked out, and waiting on my elderly friend to put her bags back in her cart, I asked God something. I said, "God, please will you bring an old person into my life? I miss old people. Please will you let me help someone?"

I had completely forgotten that prayer (that's the short 10 minute memory span of a mama, for ya) until I was calling Todd. And then it was as if God was saying so clearly, "Ashley, I answered your prayer. And you're right. You needed them just as much as they needed you."

Hallelujah!!

What an awesome day. What a small but beautiful way that God showed himself to me and that father and daughter in need. And what a treat to get to show Loralai that we weren't made to be exclusive of folks just because of how they look. We're called to obey when God calls us to move - and to love our neighbors.

What a sweet day to get to see a prayer answered and to share it with such an impressionable heart.

i'm so glad that these sweet brown eyes got to see God working today.

christmas blues. or pink.

2008-12-09T20:25:00.002-05:00

(disclaimer: it's another long one. sorry.)

I say Christmas blues because it never fails. Thanksgiving and Christmas inevitably make me miss my family that has passed. And I say pink because I'm thankful for the pink rose colored glasses that God gave me soon after my dad died.

For the life of my blogging, for as long as I shall blog, you'll probably get to read about my dad. And I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rehashing the same emotions over and over, but I've come to learn that the process of grief isn't just in the passing weeks after we lose someone. Sometimes it takes a lifetime.

I have three people that I plan on holding onto as tight as God will let me, as soon as I enter heaven. One is my grandmother. My mom's mom. I was only six when she died. But I still can't talk about her without crying. Isn't that weird? Maybe. But I remember specific things about her. I remember how her arms felt - sort of flabby, actually. But her skin was like velvet. And I remember her hands. I would hold her hand and press on the veins on the top of her hands - I loved how they felt. Her hands were soft, too. I remember her hugs - she pulled me in tight and squeezed good. Not one of those pat-you-on-the-back kind of hugs. And most importantly, I remember how she smelled. And somehow I managed to get her after bath powder that she used - it had this big puff thing and I kept it safely in a drawer. Every now and then I would open the box and lift the puff thing just to smell the powder. To smell her. She was a heavenly woman.

And I miss my grandad (my mom's dad). Oh my goodness how I miss him. It wasn't until my grandmother passed, his wife, that his edges softened. He was a Col. in the army and was rigged and stern from his career. But after grandmom died, he didn't have a choice - well I suppose he did - but he chose to let us hug him and love him. Somewhere in the midst of college exams, boy troubles, job interviews and buying my first house, I realized that my grandad was morphing more into a dad and a friend and less into this grandfatherly figure who I used to place in a glass box and only get out for special occassions. I found myself calling for advice - or calling just because I needed to hear his voice. And when he found out that he had cancer, I sat in the parking lot of a Chili's restaurant and cried my heart until I couldn't catch my breath. Surely at 92, one's time must be running out. But it still didn't seem fair. He was the healthiest man I knew. But alas, his time was near. And even despite his fear and pain, he would call me and ask me if I was ok when a boyfriend broke up with me. And he would tell me that I would get through it. And he would drive over to visit with me. He was a friend of all seasons. I admired that about him. I admired his heart. My most favorite memory is with he and my mom. We sat at our kitchen table one Christmas and played a game of scrabble. To this day, I crave that game of scrabble. I don't think the three of us have laughed so hard, together, ever. Grandad's face was a deep shade of pink and he kept stomping his feet as he laughed and gasped to grab some air to at least breathe a second in between giggles. It was the best.
And when I would visit him at his house, I felt like I was home. He lived in a condo. But wherever he was, that's where home was. To be in his presence was to feel like I was home. I think he would be every woman's romeo. That sounds dorky, I'm sure. But he was chivalry at its best. To greet me when I arrived, he would often times walk across his living room with his arms open wide and say, "hello Ashley!" in his loud booming voice. Then he would hug me and kiss me right there on the soft part where you can feel your pulse just above your collar bone. I used to feel like the most beautiful woman in his presence. I just knew, without fail, that I was completely loved by Carl Whitney. He was such a delight. A cheerful giver. A cheerful receiver. A neat freak. Never a hair out of place. Never a shirt unpressed. Never a piece of paper unfiled. A contagious laugh. The best joke teller. The reason I believe I got down and dirty and dug deep and regained my relationship with Christ....well, part of the reason.

The other reason is and was my dad. If you knew my dad, then you probably have your own idea of who he was. And that's either really good or really bad. ;) But even if you did know him, there was a lot he didn't let on. He really struggled. He was abused as a kid and his mom was abused by his dad. And my dad was the oldest boy in the family. A family of 5 kids. And so all of the dysfunction really worked on my dad. Give a man 50 years to let all of that kind of resentment settle in, nest and work its way around and you've got yourself a royal mess. When God says that sin can multiply, he's not kidding. But don't mistake yourself by thinking that your own sin will only affect yourself. It was the sins of his parents that started the unwinding of his heart. As parents we play such a huge role in nurturing the hearts of our babies. But as individuals, we also have a choice. And while the choices were laid out before my dad, it was his choice to deny God for most of his life. I can only imagine the vantage point that God had, all the while, of the race for the finish. Victory was, inevitably, the Lord's but getting there was brutal. I'll not exploit my family by going into the detailed accounts of dad's life but I will say this: times were hard at our house. But they were good, too. And as soon as my dad died, I had a conversation with my brother. And through his sweet tears he told me that all he could think of were memories of my dad that he loved. I wanted to shout a hallelujah praise when he said that. But I held back for fear that I'd ruin his moment. But that was it. Death had lost its sting. Screw you lord of evil, deceiver of our world. When Jesus saves, your power is like the snake that was stepped on. Dead. But what was alive, finally, was life. I know that my brother had tried so hard to forgive my dad for the hurt he had inflicted but it was hard. It was harder for Bryan because he had babies. And he couldn't understand why his own dad was absent in their lives. But finally, those sweet rose colored glasses covered his eyes from the old and the pain was washing away. I don't make excuses for my dad's decisions but I also don't resent him either. It's remarkable, really. And I don't say that to pat myself on the back or to fluff up my pride. I say that because I stand in awe of the grace of the cross in reflection of the forgiveness I was able to receive and give.

When I first met Todd and told him about my dad, all he could see was the pain that I held onto. The resentment I had towards my dad. The entitlement I held onto - my dad owed me something. He owed me every hug he denied me, every night I wanted him to be sober, every Christmas that he was grumpy, every moment that I felt like he had offended me - he owed me an apology. Todd didn't seem to flinch when I told him all of the "stories" that came from living with an alcoholic. Instead he offered me one thing. Well two. The first was for me to call him. Ooooh no. I wasn't ready for that. But the second thing he said was, "have you trie forgiving him?" Isn't that so simple? Forgiveness. What a frickin novel idea. And as much as I loved Jesus and had just been worked in the recent months during my grandfather's final days, I was dumbfounded that he suggested I forgive my dad.

But why?

I was so selfish. Still am in a lot of ways. But really. (stay with me. i know this is long. but i'm getting there).

Jesus tells us that we are to forgive as many times as it takes, daily, hourly, in order to keep our hearts postured for Him and not for anyone else. And as long as I kept hating my dad, I was missing out on two things. Loving my dad and receiving the love of Christ. I was so busy hating my dad and replaying horrible events that I had forgotten who my dad was. And I was so busy thinking that I deserved an apology that I had put up a block between me and Jesus. Why on earth would God continue to rain down a parade of blessings on my life when I wasn't willing to even try to forgive the man that He had ordained to be my earthly father long before my dad was even born. Who was I to deny that kind of forgiveness?

And so I tried. It wasn't easy. But it happened quicker than I imagine. In less than a year, i found myself loving my dad. I found myself replaying old memories that I loved about my dad. And I started consciously telling Satan to hit the road any time an old memory would creap in. To this day I will only reccount old bad memories if only it allows me to witness to another. I refuse to open up that can of pity and sit in it. It denies God of the glorious redemption he offered my dad - it denies God the beautiful life he created through destruction.

And so when Thanksgiving and Christmas come creeping in, I miss my dad. I'm getting a lump in my throat just writing this. I miss rubbing noses with him. Lately Todd has rubbed noses with me and I say, "nope. it doesn't feel like his nose." God I miss him. I miss the thickness of his hands and his short stubby fingers and the callouses on his palms. I miss his hairy legs (please know that this isn't meant to sound creepy and weird -i think it's just things that, as as kid, you know about your parents). I miss his blue eyes. I miss his laugh. I miss his phone voice. I'd know his 'hello' anywhere. Which leads me to say, I miss his voice. I just wish I could hear his voice. I miss his hugs and his smile. I miss watching him rub his beard down and then massage his moustache with his pointer finger. I miss watching him mow the grass. I miss so much about my dad and I ache for the day when we'll be reunited wholey. Holy. I sometimes ask God this, "God, if you have time, would you mind finding my dad today and just hugging him for me? will you please tell him that I can't wait to see him. Kiss him for me and rub noses with him. Please tell him I love him."

I miss waking up Christmas morning, running downstairs to get my brother's and my stockings, running back upstairs to open the presents with my brother in his bed - and then running to my parents' bedroom to jump on them.

Christmas really is precious. Jesus really was born. The Savior of the world really was born to a precious young Mary as her sweet Joseph helped her labor and deliver sweet baby Jesus. And Jesus really did come to save. And he really does still live. He is alive. He's not just a tale or a legend. He is King. The one and only true God.

And somewhere in the time before I was born and the early 1900s, God created a beautiful thing. He made a beautiful woman, Dorcas Sheldon, amidst twelve children. And he made a determined man, Carl Whitney, in a small town outside of Boston. And from them he created a precious girl, Kay Ellen. Who fell in love with an insanely talented and intelligent Bill Fagundus. And from them, he created me. And in my heart he set eternity.

And if I can't be thankful for that well then heaven help me. And don't you know it was only heaven that did.

God, thank you for Christmas. Thank you for showing Mary and Joseph the means to persevere when they were terrified of the outcome of the birth of the Messiah. And thank you for choosing my heritage for me. Thank you for giving me a choice - to forgive. Thank you for showing me how to forgive - for giving us Jesus.

I celebrate You. You are Holy.

the poorest of poor

2008-12-08T09:56:00.004-05:00

In a book I'm reading right now it says this: "I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."

Do you read the Bible? If you do, you'll know that it is filled with direction for us to love the poor, the needy, the lonely, the widows... God never says, 'when people make you feel uncomfortable or hurt your feelings, walk away. they're not worth it.' Just the opposite. Jesus tells us that we should take in the lost and be the love that they need.

How often do you see a homeless person and just pass them by? Be honest. How often do you have three dollars in your wallet and think, 'they'll just spend it on booze anyway' and you pass them by but then you go to the store and buy a soda or a magazine or a hamburger. Which is more nourishing, booze or a soda? If you said soda, I say you're wrong. It's when we're feeding our desires and our flesh that we're living outside the will of God. And if you're annoyed with me right now, then good. God says that if you agree with everything I said then I'm just as good as the false profits.

It's time that we push each other. It's time that we're real and honest and we get out of our comfortable pretty Sunday clothes and start being the hands and feet and eyes and ears of the One who created us. The One who gave us salvation and entered inside of us a covenant, his spirit, so that we would die - WE WOULD DIE. Jesus didn't say that our old self would sort of stick around. No. He said that our old self would die...that we would be made new in Him. That just as much as he is in the father, so is He is in us. We are Jesus walking. When we accept Jesus as Lord, we aren't supposed to sit in front of our tv's and keep the secrets of eternity to ourselves.

When we see brother Will on the street, lonely, grumpy, angry, hating life, down and out, dirty...we are to extend love. So what if he spends his money on booze or cigarettes or worse. I don't know about you, but God loves me right where I am. And I've done some pretty disgusting things. Haven't you? Wasn't it us who hated our husband, wished we hadn't gotten married, smoked cigarettes, dabbled in drugs, ate obscene amounts of food just because we wanted to, lived with our significant other before marriage, were intimate before marriage, went out and drank ourselves drunk with friends and called it 'good fun', drove our friends around drunk and felt righteous because we were the 'good one'? Wasn't it us who did all of these stupid things that could have killed us or destroyed the very relationships we adored? And wasn't it our God who loved us and continued to call us to Him despite our hard hearts and hard heads?

So tell me, why then do we put ourselves above the person who is destitute on the streets, addicted to drugs? Why in the world do we think that we're an ounce better than them? Because our sin seems cleaner than theirs? Because our sin hasn't gotten out of control like theirs? Or because we're just so stinking comfy sitting at home that surely we're the blessed ones who have gotten it right and those people will just have to figure it out and work as hard as we have... Because after all, we earned all this stuff that we have? We went to college, got our degree, busted butt to get our job, climb the ladder, save our money...

How self righteous have we become? Didn't we read Job? Don't we know the character and heart of our God? Don't we know that as quickly as he can give life, he can take it away? Don't we know that when we choose to walk, he'll let us walk. Away or towards Him. He will LET us walk.

What a blessing to be financially stable. And what a blessing to have money stored up. But we're deceived if we think that the money we have stored up should stay stored and not shared. God doesn't want to force us to give him our money - he wants us to get it into our hearts that the money that's ours was never really ours but only his and it was he that gave it to us. So why then are we so scared to give it away? To give it back? Don't we want to be a blessing? Don't we want others to come to Christ?

Tell me something - if brother Will walked up to me and was drunk and said he needed money, what should I do? I think you listen to the Spirit's prompting. And if you don't know how to hear God's voice, ask him. Ask God, the one true God, to help you to have eyes for just Him and ears for just Him. He won't hold back. But brother Will, he'll stand there looking you in the eye and he'll wait. And you can deny this or you can chew on it - but he doesn't want your money so much as he wants life breathed back into the places of his heart where it's dessolate. He wants the breath of life - he wants Jesus. And so what if it costs you $3.00 or your entire fortune...if ten minutes of your time with Will costs you everything, then so be it. What if those ten minutes you took to tell him about the love of Christ were the final seeds that needed to be sewn so that Will would surrender?

I had a boss who reached out to me when I was hurting. He invited me to come and give to others. But I was grieving a lost relationship. I didn't understand how me giving to others could help ME. I wanted someone to give to ME. I didn't go. But his words stuck with me. It was years until I knew what he meant. It's Christ in us, the hope of glory. We aren't to keep it tucked away inside for just us to sit and feast upon. It's for us to share. And share big. Jesus didn't tell us to be afraid of the faith that we received. He said to share it - but to know that because of it we would lose everything. Our old self. Our old ways. Our old life.

Oh ya'll, let go. Let's let go of our old ways and cling to the new. Let's be rich in faith. Let's quit just saying 'Amen' at church and be the Amen in the world. Let's quit agreeing with Jesus' teaching and let's be Jesus walking. Let's quit being such wimps for the cross and start moving for the sake of the one who was nailed to it! Let's quit being afraid to talk about the suffering that our Jesus endured for us. Let's share it with the world. Let's quit avoiding eye contact with the cheater, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the homeless, the broken, the poor, the grieving...they need something. They need Jesus. It may not be the moment that you love them that they're healed, but let that not stop you from loving. In your eyes they're seeing a reflection of the Savior's.

And remember: Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. (Hebrews 13:2)

Let's be bold this December. Let's step out of our comfort zones. Lock your doors still - yes. I don't deny that we live in a broken world. But let's quit being afraid to show the world the Spirit inside of us.

blog

2008-12-01T20:11:00.006-05:00

i haven't really been in the blogging spirit lately. i was away for a week, at my mom's, while our house was under construction - or fixing. in any case, it required me to be away for the week while todd played boy scout and went without heat for a bit. thank goodness for space heaters. and then i returned and two days later we headed to richmond and charlottesville, va where his little sister got married. so it's been a bit of a whirlwind of a couple of weeks. and now we're home. aaah, home. home sweet lovely home with a comfy bed. oh i love our bed. so when i think of something to blog about, i'll blog some more. but for now, i wanted to grace you with a few pictures. loralai dressed up girly style for the wedding. pardon the one picture where her dress is tucked into her britches - it was the only way we could keep the dress out from under her very busy crawling knees. she was a trooper and did so well for the traveling. and she wore her little bonnet well. i can't wait to see the real (when i say real, i mean good, really good) pictures of her and the wedding that my sister-n-law will probably post soon. she's a photographer - a good one. it was cool to see her in action on saturday.

this is the sweetest picture of my two sweethearts.

loralai with her uncle jonathan and reaching for (no doubt the nostrils but her hand didn't make it there) her new uncle justin.

loralai practicing walking with her daddy.

this just makes me laugh. we hand to bundle her up for the outdoor super cold wedding. and i had to feed her gerber puffs the entire ceremony just to keep her from making this monkey squawking sound 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!'

swallowed whole

2008-11-11T13:41:00.002-05:00

i've been doing some praying lately and i realized something. i ask a lot of God. last week i was asking him for healing for my niece. and i was also asking him to help Loralai's snot subside and for her cold to hit the road so that sleep will be restored. and i was asking him to continue to provide for our family, financially. and i was asking him what i could make for dinner - other than chicken or quesadillas (b/c time is of the essence and my creative cooking brain just is, apparently, not). and i was asking him to soften the hearts of a few people i love, so that they will please turn away from what the world says (ie: most often dr. phil and oprah) and turn to Him - for the first time and for some, just for good. and i was praying that the difficult circumstances that some of us are in would restore our love for God and i was asking him to help me to see the good in the times that seem, on the outside, to be hopeless or just discouraging.

and then, i sat down with that bible of mine and i prayed. i realized that i was asking a lot of God. and i realize that simply because God is God, he gets to do as he pleases. and so, here i went again, asking God to please help me to rest in knowing that the decisions he makes - the prayers that seem unanswered - are at his mercy and within his perfect will. help me to know that when i don't get everything i want - that THAT is perfectly perfect.

and as i was praying - and asking - and seeking - God gave me the book of jonah. and oddly enough, do you know i don't even think i've read it. i just know about jonah and what he went through. and maybe i've read bits and pieces here and there but i never sat down and read it and chewed on it for a while. but this is what i read:

chapter 2 (NIV)
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:

"In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I
called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my
head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank
down;
the earth beneath barred me in
forever.
But you brought my life up from the
pit,
O Lord my God.

"when my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.

"Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord."

And the Lord commanded the fish,
and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

....
After I read that, I had a definite sigh of relief moment. It reminded me of chapter 3 of Lamentations where God tells us that despite all of our shortcomings - his mercy is new every day. I was pretty overwhelmed by Jonah, at first. God doesn't imply that the belly of the whale/fish story is all a metaphor - he doesn't let up like Jesus does in giving explanation for his stories. This story is told as what really occurred. And so I thought about how Jonah was pleading with God saying - God, you threw me into the ocean and let the waves kick my butt. i thought i was going to die and so despite my earlier denial of you and running from your asking me to confront people on your behalf, i bit my pride and called out to you to please forgive me and have mercy on me. i asked you, when i thought i was going to die, if you would please spare me so that i might be able to hold true to the promises i had made to you. and i realized that you would do anything just to get my attention - like toss my sorry toosh into the ocean where a giant fish would nearly eat me.

Re-read the passage again. And if you don't believe the fish to be true - read it as this: God will use ANYTHING to bring us to him. He will allow us to return to the same sin over and over again if it is the only way that we will be knocked down, continually, so that our posture is humbled and we are desperate for his intervention - for his mercy, love and grace. But God says, through Jonah, that if we will quit with the mess - quit thinking Dr. Phil and Oprah are the wisest of wise, if we'll quit turning to food for comfort, to alcohol for confidence, to working out so that our bodies are beautifully carved rather than healthy, to books that tell us that cheating is ok because our spouses got boring or uninteresting, to the comfortable answer that says that divorce is appropriate because our spouse just didn't have the same visions as us in life - God says that if we will quit making excuses for where we fall short, and simply loose ourselves of the baggage that we're holding onto that's making our ears def to him, our hearts hard to him and our eyes blind to him - that then, he will put us back on solid ground. On dry ground that is easier to walk upon.

He'll bring us up out of the belly of that whale. But unless we choose to let go of the junk we like sitting in, God will let us sit there for as long as it takes. Because as much as it is that we think that God loves us - he wants us to love him back. He doesn't want to be the only one pouring out the love - he wants a relationship.

He wants to hear about all my insane thoughts, my crazy prayers about dinner and sucking snot out of my baby's nose - because really, when the chips are up or down - the only one who can truly have the glory for my life, and over my life, is the one who created it.

So I'm going to start thinking about this Jonah a little more. And I'm thankful that God led me to one of the shortest books in the bible to read - on a night when my attention span was puny - so that I might be let in on one of the biggest secrets he shared: mercy. grace. love.

It's all ours, if we'll just resign to letting go and letting God be God. Isn't it sweet, ya'll?

i know is true.

2008-10-27T20:37:00.003-04:00

some things in my life i know to be true just because i know, without fail, that they'll happen, or exist, because they always have.

maddie dog will beg every time i eat popcorn (or anything for that matter).
and she'll poot because she's so excited about the prospect of food. and then todd will scrunch his nose and say that we just HAVE to do something about that. the pooting. but we never do. mainly because we can't.
frankie dog will say hello for a few minutes but will inevitably go and put herself to bed where she burrows her nose under her feet and only peeks her eyes up when you walk in the room - probably to make sure she isn't missing out on any food opportunity. our dogs love food. carrots in particular.
todd will always love playing guitar, listening to music i consider weird, like wearing hats, "forget" to brush his teeth on the weekend, and say he loves every meal i cook.
my mom will always love snuggling up in her flannel jammies. she'll always love hot tamale candies, a good sappy love story, hot chocolate (ok, anything chocolate), and laughing.
so you get the picture.
i think blogs are better with pictures to fill in the imaginery blanks but i don't have time for that tonight.
but i went running tonight and i thought - i will always love this. the feeling of running. and then breathing in cold air. i will always love the relaxed feeling that comes over me after a workout. i'll always love popcorn, chocolate, a good laugh, hugs from my mom, snuggles with my doggies, giggles from my baby and my husband's smile.
but something comes between me and all of this sweetness. at times it's just sadness. or a sense of being overwhelmed or tired or stressed or even anxiety.
and this is what i know to be true.
when i doubt, when i'm down, when i feel like it won't get better or i won't pull out of this funk...there is one who does. Jesus tells us to bring all sin to light. so if i go to him and confess where i'm struggling, i'm free. right. i'm free already because of my salvation. but there are times, it's true, where we get bogged down simply by living in the world. and so the truth of it all is that Jesus came to set us free. so that no longer would we be captives, but redeemed. so that even when the world says to give up, to walk away, to argue your point or satnd firm because you HAVE to be right. Jesus says to love. this i know to be true. it is. a friend reminded me of this tonight. she said, 'understanding God's word is the easy part. loving is the hard part.'
i know the cause and effect of things happening in this world and in the community around me. i see it and i get it.
but what i think we forget as a whole, as God's body of belivers - as his church - is that the greatest truth we have to offer in reflection of Jesus is his love. we are vessels of his love.

i'll always know that i'll love loralai. i know there won't be day that i'll look into her eyes and be completely thankful that God let me birth her. and as i stand in the kitchen and sing praises to God while she eats her carrots, i see a little smirk come across her face. and then her hands raise. it's true. maybe she's waving - she likes to do that. or maybe, maybe she's copying my hands that are lifted up. and maybe she's seeing me excited about the love i'm sharing for our God. and maybe in a few years, her hands lifted up won't be in reflection of her mama's but in praise of her Jesus.

for the glory of God, he made life. and in my life he has shown me his love in form of my family. and when i'm old and gray (ok, grayER), i want loralai (and our other baby(ies)) to be able to make a list of things they know to be true. and somewhere in the mix of their list, i hope it says something like 'and i know my mama and daddy will always love jesus. and i know that jesus loves me because the first time i saw my mama dancing for joy in the presence of jesus, i KNEW he must be real. cause for what other cause would a woman dance so crazily?' ...or something like that.

the power of the truth of the gospel lives in those who believe. and what a privelege it is to get to share that love, that truth, with our family. with our babies.

full.

2008-10-14T15:18:00.009-04:00

so far, this face never fails to make my day. and no, that's not bedhead. it's just how her hair flies all by itself.

does it get much sweeter than this? maddie and loralai.

i love this picture. mmmm mmm.

we had a really full weekend. or week. we celebrated our anniversary last wednesday by stuffing ourselves with food. date nights are fun but when you eat too much - umm, yuck. but it was nice to have adult conversation.

on friday, i visited a friend who has a little one who is three months older than loralai. to see them together is hilarious. they stare at each other, pat each other's hair, pull hair, chase each other, watch the other's newest skills (and learn. man how loralai takes tips from her buddies.) and just have so much fun. it's the best. and it was so nice to just get to be with rachel for a while. i love being with my friends who have kids - it's like the babies babble the same language and so do we.

faith was hilarious. and loralai was teething - so this ball posed a little chewing problem.

and then...they found the door stopper thing. poot noises galore. even at their age it was funny.

on saturday, one of my oldest friends (i guess since we were 9 or 10) came to visit with her little boy, jonah. jonah had a bit of a rough start during his first few weeks of life. so to see him was to see God. not that you don't get to see God in all things, but it's just special to see a little guy who fought hard and you just knew that God was answering all our prayers. jonah is precious, has the prettiest eyes and is working super hard on pushing up to crawl.

hi jonah, hi. :)

kelly and jonah with me and loralai.

on sunday, we went to my friend hilary's house. kids, football, food - what more could a day hold? ok football - i could give or take. but being with friends, their kids, and food - well now that's a pretty good day. the house was FILLED with kids and most of them hung out in hilary's daughter's bedroom. wheew. i know hilary was glad when the craziness subsided. i think there were about 10 babes there at one time.

the three little ones: reese, brooke and loralai. the rest were running around. literally.

and then...the work week began again. it's always bittersweet when todd has to go back to work after a fun weekend together. loralai loves having him here. it's the best feeling to see your baby crawl with quick baby speed towards her daddy.

and she's up to new tricks. she's talking early. oh boy. she's saying mama (ma ma - especially when she's grumpy and wants to be held - or wants her lunch or dinner), daddy (da da - sparingly but we've caught it a few times), boom boom (bmmm bmmm - she lies on her back and kicks her feet to the floor and i always say boom boom - so now she's starting to say it just for fun.), and her best word is bye bye (bah baaayyyee - coupled with some serious waving), and this morning we realized that she was telling us "more" through sign language. that was something we started when she was about 3 or 4 months and she's starting to get it. it's all so fascinating - the developmental stuff. i love watching her watch my mouth and try to say book when i say it. it's just awesome.

aaah love. sweet baby love.

i do. and i did. on oct. 8th.

2008-10-07T20:09:00.008-04:00

i wish i could remember the day. i think it was june 8th or 10th. maybe. either way, it happened on sanibel island, florida. and it was june. i know that. and it was 2006. and it was raining a good bit of the time we were there. we went there to visit todd's grandmother; only he had other things in mind: like getting hitched. and as we walked out onto the beach to watch the sunset, he did it. he got down on one knee. and i panicked. it was like i couldn't breathe and wanted to cry. but i still said yes. i think that moment is an overwhelming moment. i can't imagine the amount of nerve it takes to ask a woman to be a man's wife - but at least you guys have MONTHS to ponder this. we have only seconds to respond. ;)

it was perfect. wonderful. the sky exploded and a sunset displayed itself before us in a heavenly sight. it was glorious. and we were on top of the world.

we made our way back to north carolina where we started planning our wedding. it was both fun and completely insane. we loved planning our life together, i had fun finding a gown and taking pictures and just feeling totally girly. and todd had fun (ha) preparing his house (his bachelor pad) for a woman.

and when october 8th finally came, we were ready. or as ready as you can be. because let's face it, nothing can truly prepare you for marriage. it's completely a leap of faith. you don't know what it's like to share your money, your time, your love, your desires, your trust, your life, your everything...until you've said i do. i love that it's a leap of faith. it means that there's more to our marriage than just us. there's God. and he's at the center of it all. if he wasn't, we would both demand our own ways and expect our lives to revolve around what we want. i love that todd leaps in faith with jesus and that i leap in faith with jesus. it stings when we fall, but we fall together and we stand together.

i love my todd. i love how when he smiles, he has laugh lines and his eyes squint. i love his brown eyes. i love his beautiful smile. it gets me every time. i love how he makes me laugh; cause he can make me laugh harder than anyone else. i love how he wants to love me better all the time and he tries hard doing it. i love how he loves jesus. i love how he wants to love me forever. i love how talented he is musically. i love my todd.

and i love that i got to marry him. and i love that i get to think about how perfectly happy our wedding day was, today, every year for the rest of our lives. because it was. every person who was at our wedding made our day richer; they make our lives richer. it was an indescribable feeling, while saying our vows, knowing that we were entering a covenant before God. God who knew we would do this before he even created us. it was overwhelming, that day, picturing the view from heaven. i imagined the angels seeing the light of Jesus illuminate on all of those saved. i imagined Jesus standing with Mark as we said our vows and i imagined the angels cheering when they welcomed us as One. and as Matt sang grace greater, i was (and still am) certain that i heard an angel singing with him. and as we danced and celebrated and smiled the night away, i remember never wanting that feeling to end: joy.

and while happy times come and go and there is a definite ebb and flow of marriage, joy is always constant. it encompasses all because joy is Jesus.

i love you toddy. you are my precious, sweet, silly, tender, God fearing, guitar playing, harmonica honking, delight in the sight of the Creator, husband of mine.

and even better. even sweeter. thank you Jesus for putting it on our hearts to marry so quickly after our engagement. if we hadn't, my dad wouldn't have been alive for our wedding. he wouldn't have gotten to hear me go on and on about my todd. he wouldn't have gotten to share in our excitement. i wouldn't have gotten to witness to him with such fierceness, fear and delight. and we wouldn't have conceived our precious loralai. because in the beginning, we were going to wait until the following spring or summer to marry. and that...that wasn't the right timing. but God's, oh ya'll, God's timing was perfect. and IS perfect. HOLY IS THE LORD!!!

i love you todd.

our beautiful sanibel island sunset

i love this picture. it makes my heart so happy. i said yes!
and then i got to take these fun pictures
even as a grown up girl, playing dress up was the best!

being at my brother's side walking down the aisle...

...was the safest feeling ever.

and the look on this guy's face is priceless. and funny.

and we said i do. oh what a day!

what a happy happy day!

i am weak and he is strong.

2008-10-05T20:48:00.004-04:00

have you ever had a week where God just worked you? you had friends coming at you with questions and God led you to scripture. specific scripture. and then you met a stranger, and God brought that same scripture to mind. not something regular or easy to share; something a little more. (not that there's anything regular about God). this was my week.

a friend is struggling with a best friend who is battling addiction with alcohol. another friend was confused why they're struggling with finances. and todd and i met someone today who instantly brought this scripture to life.

usually it's just me who talks to homeless people. but this time todd did. and he was going to give him just a few dollars from his wallet when i think we both knew that God wanted us to give him everything we had. it was only $10 but we gave it all. but something that i think surprised us both was when we drove away we told him something in the same tone that we would have if we were driving down the driveway away from one of our parents. we said, "i love you." and our friend replied back naturally, "i love you, too."

where does love like that come from? only Jesus.

it's true. it's only Jesus that exudes real love from mouths that just sinned seconds before. it's only Jesus who moves you to tears when you realize that you're blessed beyond measure. it's only Jesus who puts truth in your heart and helps you forgive when you've been sinned against. it's only Jesus who helps you beg for mercy when you feel lost. it's only Jesus who collides two worlds so that we can fully understand that in our weakness, he is the only strength we need.

do you understand? we're all the same. it's not the people that are bad but the sin. it's the sin that's bad.

i know some of you that read my blog aren't Christians and so when i write, i think about you and i know that you don't receive all that i'm saying as truth. but please know that i don't ever write to condemn you or to even convince you of the truth of Jesus. i do, however, want to just simply thank you for reading.

and i find myself desperate. i'm desperate for salvation for ones that are lost. i'm desperate for answers for those that have gone astray. i'm desperate for love to overflow for those that feel alone. and then God reminds me three times: my grace is sufficient, ashley. my power is made perfect in weakness. ...when your friend is in need, really in need and broken, it's then that they'll recall my name and call out to me. but it's only then, when they're truly broken, that they'll be able to receive me. because then, in their brokeness, they're finally humble enough to let me help. and remember, ashley, sometimes this brokeness comes in different forms. for some it's homelessness, addiction and sadness. for others it's losing a job, not getting an interview, a relationship breakup or pet dying. but just know that in everyone's despair, i am there and for them I AM. it's not for you to fix them, ashley. it's for you to love them. it IS for you to tell them, 'i love you', and then be surprised that you said those words and actually loved them. it IS for you to not tolerate sin but to also not condemn the sinner. only I can do that. it IS for you to come to me when you are weak so that i can remind you of my promises. it IS for you to also delight in your weaknesses and to know that you aren't the One who will bring all that you love to salvation, but when you know that you are weak in areas, you will allow me then to work through you. so that my power can be made perfect. because when you are weak, you are strong. I am strong. ashley, i am the I AM. rest in perfection and holiness so that you can rest knowing that your reflection of me is enough.

and that's what God spoke to me this week, three times. three times he spoke this verse to me. and in three different ways, i was able to help (maybe even just an inch). and then i was able to receive. and i was amazed. and i still am. but i delight in knowing that i am weak and fallible and growing and learning. i delight in knowing that i am in love with the King of the world. i delight in knowing that God's promises are true and that he makes no mistakes and that i'm blessed beyond my prayers, beyond what i think i desire. i am loved. without fail; despite my failings.

in it all, i know that when i am weak, i am strong. because when i am slow to speak, Jesus uses the body he created that his spirit entered in 1992 to somehow do some sort of heavenly good for the kingdom of God. and while it might not be earth shaking movement and good that i'm making, i want to call to mind 2 corinthians 12, often, so that i am reminded that the power of God is in me - me who is weak, and troubled, and imperfect. me who was so excited today that my husband and i loved someone we didn't know and were surprised. we were surprised to find love well up in us where Jesus already knew it existed.

that, is glory.

2 Cor 12
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

stinky ole bacteria

2008-10-02T10:34:00.003-04:00

she coughed and sneezed
but never weezed.
she made snorts and sniffed snot
but never a fever.
her head wasn't hot.

she splashed in the bath and played with her toys.
she kept on making squealy baby noise.
it wasn't until night 7 of her cold,
when we thought we were clear
that she made a loud screech and grabbed her right ear.

to the doctor we went.
hi-ho not so merry-o.
she checked thing one, then thing two
and let out a 'wheew.'
on her prescription pad she wrote,
amoxicillan.
not dope.

i asked her sweetly,
if she'd write clearly and neatly
for an energy pill or somethingy real sneakily
i could stick in my coffee, my milk? my water?
anything, anything to help make this mama feel smarter.

our baby has bacteria.
the bad kind in her ear.
it's made me raise my voice and brought on many a tear.

my baby being sick is so unfamiliar to me.
i'm used to her smiling and giggling.
not screaming and wiggling.
i'm used to her sleeping - 12 hours of the night.
and now she wakes at 2 and 4
and this sleep deprived mama is getting uptight.

so i pray for the amoxicillan to go on and do its job.
to kill the bacteria, or else i'll probably sob.
i ask God to hush my baby when she's hurting and i can't help.
because in me is a desire, like nothing else or more,
to make her feel all better.
to make her feel all new.
to make her feel all safe and sound.
so when my arms on her are wrapped around,
she'll know His love and mine are true.

it trickled over and stopped.

2008-09-30T10:59:00.005-04:00

i remember sitting at our kitchen table in highschool when it hit me. this awful terrible, felt like a knife jabbing into the side of my head, pain. at first i thought my tooth hurt and then i couldn't chew anymore food. i went upstairs, excused myself, and then called out to my mom. i just remember sitting on the top of the stairs and crying my little eyes out. it was the worst pain. i also remember mom telling me something along the lines of me being overly dramatic...until she pulled out her otoscope (she's an audiologist) and realized that i had an ear infection. at 15, i cried like a baby. but at least i could tell my mom what the problem was.

loralai can't. what she can say is ma ma-qua (that's quack)-and bah bah (that's bye bye).

anyway. so we've been battling a cold for a week. on friday i thought we had gotten our sweet and happy baby back. but then on sunday i wasn't so sure. and then yesterday the normally happy baby woke up unusually cranky from a nap and put up a huge fight in the bathtub where she normally quacks and splashes with her daddy. so we knew something was up. and the dr. confirmed an ear infection this morning.

so my heart breaks for our little chunky monkey who weighed in at 19lbs 8oz. she seemed so happy when she woke this morning that i thought for sure she didn't have an ear infection. how do those rascally infections hide so well? so while i don't talk ga gah like loralai does, sometimes i sure wish i did. maybe then she could have told me what the deal was.
poor little babe.

and i thought you'd like this picture - she's visiting her daddy at work and taking a bath in the tub like a big girl. aaah sweet baby life. does it get any better than this?

deep thoughts

2008-09-25T19:19:00.004-04:00

todd just said, "you should be proud of me." me, "why?" todd, "because i have NOT gone to mcdonalds, yet, to get the mcrib." huh? me, "i'm supposed to be proud of that?" todd, "yes."

loralai has a nasty cold. she slept on todd's chest last night b/c she couldn't figure out how to sleep without sucking on her favorite fingers - which shut off all air going in her body. so she slept on the daddy's chest so that the head was above sea level allowing for oxygen to flow - AND, so that she could suck the fingers. things that have helped us stay sane while the child can't sleep well: vicks vaporizer (it emits some powerfully strong eucalyptus scent. it's like walking into a cough drop), humidifier, standing in the bathroom with steam (glorious snot busting steam), saline nose drops, suctioning the nose holes, 1ml of triaminic, tylenol, lots of nursing, more naps that normal and lots of love. poor baby.

todd made dinner tonight. out of a bag. one of those frozen noodle, veggie, chicken things. we were desperate for quick food but not a mcrib - right. firecracker chicken. that's the name of the stuff he gets. i guess he didn't read the warning label. holy mackeral that junk was SO hot that i was sweating around the nose and had to guzzle some milk. no kidding. i guess it's a good thing. i hear spicy food increases the metabolism. maybe it will offset all of the dark chocolate m&ms i just ate.

tyra banks. i rarely watch tv anymore. but today loralai was sleeping and i wasn't doing chores b/c i was whooped. so i turned on the tube and i saw tyra banks with crimped hair. what in the BEEP is that about? hi, tyra, the 80s are no more. stop it. do NOT promote crimped hair.

isaac mizarahi - or however you spell it - i am going to protest all target shopping until they pull down the flowered leggings, the stone washed jeans, the peg legged jeans, the bright neon plastic jewelry and all things 80s. next thing you know, umbros will be back? what is our fashion coming to?

multiples. does anyone remember them? i wore them. they were wrong. very wrong. so were tee-ties.

i've yelled for jesus so many times this week. loralai hasn't eaten well b/c the snot in her nose, trickling down her throat, makes it hard for her to swallow. so she chokes. it's a helpless feeling.

pharmacists are nice and helpful when you have no clue what medicines to combine or not to combine. thank you, pharmacists, for going to school forever and learning about drugs.

yesterday - pre-crazy downpour of rain - we had the irrigation system in our yard fixed. we had some people fix the yard that are originally from a land south of texas. i think all hispanic people are extremely smart. because directly at noon, they laid down under our pear trees and snoozed. for an hour. i took a picture. yep. i'm sneaky like that. but, i'm too lazy to post it. but trust me. they slept. it was actually a good day for an outdoor nap. i just couldn't believe how deeply they could sleep; how unaffected they were by the blustery wind or the squirrels running about or cars going by. i wish i could sleep that deep.

milk. i think it's important to drink organic milk. if you don't do anything else organic for yourself. drink organic milk. you owe it to your body to be hormone and drug free - and you owe it to your children to not pour those additives into their bodies.

avacados are lovely. and so baby friendly. put one in a blender with a banana and you have a smooth, high (good) fat meal for your baby. and it freezes nicely, too.

has anyone noticed how gross primetime tv is getting? there are more sexual inuendos on tv, now, than i can remember. it's disappointing. i miss the cosby's. i saw a repeat of their show, yesterday, when the whole family was singing to the grandparents. i caught it right when rudy was singing, "baaaabyyy! baaabyyy!" oh it was great.

well, that's about all the deep thoughts i have for one day. pray for sleep - pray for snot to subside in our baby's body.

love love, ashley

sandy days

2008-09-22T20:53:00.010-04:00

us. silly 'ole turner
self portrait. we forgot to tell loralai to look.
yay for morning walks!

aunt julie and loralai todd and his super happy girl
mmm love.
we like to scrunch our noses. apparently.
wyatt picking grass.
me, mom and loralai.

i highly recommend this sling to moms with babies.
sunrise
mom, me and bryan. and the two little dumptruck pushers.

we went to emerald isle for a few days with my family - well, my 'side' of the family. we found a beach house that suits us all and i think we'll keep doing this over the years. it's so much fun to see my nephews play with my baby - and it was so sweet to get to see my new niece. she's seven whole weeks and full of sweet baby goodness. i don't have a lot to say about our weekend, unless you want the details about how we saw a shooting star, how todd, me and loralai would get up in the mornings and go for beach walks, how turner smothered loralai with kisses, how wyatt never ever ever runs out of energy or funny jokes, how it nearly melts my heart to hear my nephews tell their mom and dad (or anyone they love), spontaneously, that 'i love you. you're my best friend.' and they mean it with every ounce of love in their hearts, how we celebrated mom's birthday at the beach, how loralai took great naps at the beach but found herself with a cold when we got home and now finds sleep hard due to a stuffy nose, how sand apparently tastes really good to babies, and how no matter how many toys i brought for entertainment, i didn't need a single toy because turner and wyatt entertained loralai more than she could have ever imagined. well, them and any water bottle that she could find and chew on. aaah beach family weekends.

season

2008-09-16T21:10:00.012-04:00

i thought that the weekend was going to, surely, bring cooler weather. it just had to. i had company coming in town. and this is my favorite friend to go on walks with; so the weather needed to be cooler. and the baby - she needed to nap. but for some reason, the first time ever, she refused to take her afternoon nap. i wanted to cry. but i went with it. and so did maribeth. thank you. and even though it was a disgusting 90something degrees outside, we plopped the baby in her stroller and walked. and while we walked, we solved the world problems - or at least resolved to eliminate all debt and desire for excess "stuff" from our lives - and, the baby slept. it was wonderful. maribeth is wonderful. my college roommate, a best friend, such an easy person to be around - i wish she could spend more time at my house. it was such a good visit - she got to love on loralai and i got to sit back and watch two of my favorite girls play together. precious sweet love.
maribeth came in town because one of our college friends, jenn, is getting married in october. and so a bridal shower was thrown for her - which meant that we all got to have a girls' night and go out to eat together. aaah fondu. deliciousness.
but being the mama that i am, all i could think about was curling up into my comfy bed halfway through dinner. it probably sounds lame. but i think a comfy bed is a delicacy to all mommies.
after company left, todd and i made our way to the park and then to run some errands. and now, finally, (umm a few days later mister weather man) the weather is cooling off. but i'm not complainin' - Fall, come on! i'm ready for your briskness and cool morning walks.

the beautiful, almost married, jenn.

the beautiful maribeth.

i somehow manage to make scary eyes - but jordan, she just glows.
aunt maribeth and loralai. it was a fun little game of up and down the horsey leg goes. i think it was a workout for mb.

i'm pretty sure maribeth was holding loralai's hand so that she didn't get curious and try to eat her curly hair.

outside is this little baby's most favorite place to be. something about the leaves moving, the wind blowing, the birds chirping, squirrels running around - all of it - it just makes her little heart so content.

mama milk

2008-09-14T13:18:00.002-04:00

hi everyone, i was just encouraged by reading this article. i'm always overwhelmed by just how perfectly God makes us for our babies - or rather just how perfectly God creates.

Fabulous Fats
Human milk is richer in the essential fatty acids needed for optimal human brain growth. Formula and cow's milk, on the other hand, are deficient in certain omega-3 fatty acids, especially DHA. Not only do breastfeeding babies get the right kind of fats, they get the right amount. The fat content of your milk changes during a feeding, at various times during the day, and at various stages as your baby grows, according to the energy needs of your baby. At the start of a feeding, your foremilk is low in fat. As the feeding progresses, the fat steadily increases until baby gets the “cream,” the higher-fat hindmilk. After baby gets sufficient hindmilk, baby stops eating and radiates that contented look. During growth spurts, your baby nurses more frequently and because of the shorter intervals between feedings, he receives milk with a higher fat content that supplies the energy he needs to grow.
Not only does baby get the right kind of fat in just the right amount, but most of the fat in breast milk is absorbed, so baby gets healthier fats with less waste. Breast milk contains an enzyme called lipase that helps digest fat, so more energy is available to the baby and less fat is eliminated in the stools. Formula and cow's milk do not contain this enzyme, and the baby's intestines - the body's food judge - can't digest all of the fat in formula and cow's milk by themselves. So the excess fat passes into the stools, giving them an unpleasant odor - unlike the acceptable milder odor of breast milk stools.
Specific Proteins
Remember the curds and whey in the nursery rhyme “Little Miss Muffet”? Curds and whey are the two types of milk protein. The whey is the easy-to-digest liquid portion, and the curd is the casein protein that forms a rubbery, harder-to-digest lump. Breast milk contains a much higher whey-to-casein ratio than most formulas and cow's milk do, so it's easier to digest. (Note that whey is the preferred protein for competitive body builders.) Breast milk's amino acids (the components of protein) supply the specific nutrients that babies need to build healthy brains and bodies, and research has shown that the amino acid taurine, which is present in much larger amounts in human milk than in cow's milk or formula, is especially important to brain growth. Breast-milk protein is almost completely absorbed, so there is less waste and less strain on the digestive system. The excess protein in formula and cow's milk, on the other hand, creates extra work for the intestines and kidneys, a phenomenon known as metabolic overload.
Sweeter Sugars
How sweet it is! Taste infant formula and compare it with the sweeter taste of breast milk. Human milk contains more lactose than formula does, and it is not only sweeter but better suited for brain growth. Lactose is an intestines-friendly sugar for babies. In infant formulas, some or all of the sugar comes from highly processed table sugar or corn syrup.
More Usable Vitamins and Minerals
No factory can make minerals and vitamins as well as mom can. On paper the vitamin-and-mineral profile of breast milk and formula may look the same - or it might even seem that formula contains more of some nutrients - but charts and comparisons can be deceiving. Mommy-made nutrients are better because of their high bioavailability, which means more of the vitamins and minerals that are in human milk get absorbed by the baby. What counts is not how much of a nutrient is listed on the Nutrition Facts label on a can but how much of that nutrient is absorbed through the intestines into the bloodstream. What counts is how much is available to the body - thus the term bioavailability.
The three important minerals calcium, phosphorus, and iron are present in breast milk at lower levels than they are in formula, but in breast milk these minerals are present in forms that have high bioavailability. For example, 50 to 75 percent of breast-milk iron is absorbed by the baby. With formula, as little as 4 percent of the iron is absorbed into baby's bloodstream. To make up for the low bioavailability of factory-added vitamins and minerals, formula manufacturers raise the concentrations. Sounds reasonable: if only half gets absorbed by the body, put twice as much into the can. This nutrient manipulation may, however, have a metabolic price.
Baby's immature intestines must dispose of the excess, and the unabsorbed minerals (especially iron) can upset the ecology of the gut, interfering with the growth of healthful bacteria and allowing harmful bacteria to flourish. This is another reason formula-fed infants have harder, unpleasant-smelling stools.
To enhance the bioavailability of nutrients, breast milk contains facilitators - substances that enhance the absorption of other nutrients; for example, vitamin C in human milk increases the absorption of iron. Zinc absorption is also enhanced by other factors in human milk. In an interesting experiment, researchers added equal amounts of iron and zinc to samples of human milk, formula, and cow's milk and fed them to human volunteers. More of the nutrients in the human-milk sample got into the bloodstream than in the formula and cow's milk. In essence, breast milk puts nutrients where they belong - in baby's blood, not in baby's stools.
Other Good Things Too Numerous to Mention
Each year scientists discover more and more health-promoting substances in human milk that can only be mommy-made, not man-made. The late Dr. Frank Oski, world-renowned pediatrician, former professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, and our friend, was a longtime advocate of the importance of breastfeeding. He once told us, “When researching the difference between human milk and formula, I discovered that there are over four hundred nutrients in breast milk that aren't in formula.” As always, mother knows best.

new stuff and stinky stuff

2008-09-10T15:12:00.007-04:00

Last night I sat down at my eisel and I painted. Glory to God, I painted. Big deal, right?

Well it's been a long time since I've sat in front of my pretty 'ole marked up eisel, with a paintbrush in hand, and just painted. And it used to be that I loved to paint with a cup of coffee or a small glass of wine. Why? I don't know. Comforting, I guess. And I'd paint in my living room (not the safest place to paint when you tend to be messy) while watching, really listening, to a movie.

But last night I opted for no coffee (even though I drink decaf these days while i'm a mama cow) or wine but rather - glorious, delicious decaff coke. Oh yum. Even though I only made it a few sips into the cup. I never finish drinks that are tasty. I guess I get distracted; which I'm getting more of these days as I try to multitask everything. So I painted. And it was lovely and therapeutic and I'm sure a real prize-winning canvas. You millionaire paint collectors: cash in. This is your big chance to display a real beauty.

On another multitasking note. When I wrote that word: multitask: it took me back to the first few weeks of motherhood. My body, post c-section, was slowly being shocked back to life. And, so was my digestive system. And one day, while I was learning how to do the stay-at-home thing (with no husband or help), my colon said something to me: RUN. Only if you've ever had major surgery in the belly region, you know that running (or coughing, laughing, sneezing or farting) is not an option. A slow waddle, maybe. But running - umm, no.

So there I was nursing my sweet brown eyed baby when my bowels began to rumble. And so I did what any good mom would do. I multitasked. It didn't seem to bother her. She kept nursing. But I have to say, holding a baby to your boob and unzipping your pants with one hand is pretty tricky. I think I should have been awarded something that day.

And one more thing. I used to have quite the keen sense of smell when I was pregnant. Before pregnancy, no smell. And now, after pregnancy, no smell. Thank goodness, too. Because my sweet chocolate lab has some ferocious poots. I only say ferocious based on the husband's head turning, scary scrunched up face, he makes every time she poots.

So there's that.

Prayer Request

2008-09-10T09:24:00.004-04:00

Please pray with me. A friend of mine's dad is sick. He has lung cancer. My friend is Brandi and you can read about her dad on her blog. Her story is sweet - the journey with her dad is one of reconciliation. So please pray for complete healing of his lungs. He's having a scan done, this week, to see if his cancer is responding to treatment. So let's pray that the doctors see a miracle- complete healing. Let her dad be an example of answered prayer - let's see God shine when he goes in for his scan and the doctors say 'it's gone!' and then they hear a sweet, 'thank you Jesus!'

thanks for praying.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

no thunda from down unda

2008-09-05T19:21:00.007-04:00

Happy Birthday to Me.

My birthday was on Saturday. So was tropical storm Hanna. And because it was, or at least we were told it was going to be, we decided to celebrate on Thursday. Long story short, I had my heart set on a delicious Outback steak dinner with a thunda from down unda for dessert. But when we pulled into the empty parking lot at Outback, I wanted to cry - they had lost their power. I wanted to tell them that they had their days wrong - the storm wasn't coming for two more days! Uggh. So we tried to replicate my early birthday dinner at Chili's. Not the same. Just not the same. But nevertheless, we pigged out.

We got steaks, cheese fries and the molten chocolate lava dessert thing - all in an effort to replicate what would have been our Outback deliciousness.

But ya'll, we ate so much that I thought I was going to be sick. I mean my stomach hurt and pain shot up all the way to my sternum. Oh, serious instant indigestion. Todd, who has a tummy of steel, was all whiney about how his tummy was hurting. I thought he was just following me with my wimpiness. ...ok, backflash: two days ago he went surfing and got rolled in one wave. that wave sent delicious ocean water straight up his nose and into his body. ever since, he's felt queasy. and snotty. and when he bends over, salt water comes out of his nose...still. two days later.

Fast forward: so at 1:30a.m., said Todd wakes from sleep. He's not a midnight pee-er. That's my deal. So when woke up, light-sleeper-mama that I've come to be, woke with him and said, "what are you doing?" His reply, "i think i'm gonna be sick." I thought he was just being dramatic. But nope. A minute later I hear all of Chili's indigestion making its debut into our potty.

What a night. Just so you know, we laughed so hard at dinner. I haven't laughed that good in a long time - which may have had something to do with the indigestion. And while it stunk that we didn't get our Outback, we did make the best of a birthday celebration. But you know, sometimes when things go wrong - they just keep going wrong. Poor 'ole todd. He's all better today. He blames his pukies on the mixture of too much greasiness in the cheese fries, lots 'o sweetness in the molten dessertness and a little salt water sloshing around with the goodness.

...On another note, our 6mo. old baby did a new trick. She pulled up on the side of her little toy box thing - she stood up. That's not supposed to happen at six months - hence the holy cow that came out of my mouth. Enjoy the new pictures and video. http://vimeo.com/1674900

us. married folks. parents.
de-ssert.

my date.

our little lion baby

it doesn't really fit, but it sure is cute.

me and my sweet little baby.

concentrating...look at that tongue ;)

just to mention

2008-09-02T19:39:00.008-04:00

labor day. aaah. labor weekend. oooh.

we're pregnant! kidding. oh gosh all you blog readers, you. did you just gasp? all ten of you? ;)

now that i have your attention: we had a lovely weekend. it consisted of sleeping, eating, taking walks, making delicious coconut shrimp, spending time with the husband and babe and enjoying a little bit cooler weather. aah fall, i can feel you. come soon. i'm ready to not sweat when walking from my car to the grocery store. ...i would say to the mall or work or somewhere more exciting. but let's face it - i grocery shop, i mop, i sweep, i vacuum, i change diapers, i cook, i wash toilets, i wipe tears...and to me, it's allllll glorious. really. i love my job. i am wondering when i get a pay raise, though? ;)

please enjoy the view of a few of our most recent days in picture form: mostly loralai picture form: right after i tell you this one gross bit of my day.

today i was on my way back from running an errand with the babe. we were sitting at a stop light. stopped. and i looked in my rear view mirror - i don't know why i looked - excellent driving skill habit? ;) but when i looked, i saw something so terribly disgusting. something so incredibly socially akward and just plain WRONG. there was a girl, no. a woman. she must have been in her early twenties. and y'all, she was picking her boogers! i mean going deep for the boogies. but the worst part? she was EATING them! i am NOT kidding. i don't make up this stuff. i don't even want to make up this stuff. i have no problem changing poopy diapers and wiping baby boogers - my baby's boogers. that doesn't gross me out. but when it comes to other people's grossness, i have a major gag reflex. and oh sweet mama, i started gagging. because little miss thing in her red car kept going back for more. and eating more. oh my gosh, it was so gross. and then, she sniffed her right armpit. what in the WORLD?! ...it was a disappointment to my afternoon. i consider yuckiness like this to be totally avoidable. mamas - teach your youngins not to pick and eat their boogies. it's just dirty nonsense.
eeew.

ok. now, here are the pictures of our sweet and happy little life.

loralai taking in the wind at the beach during our walk. poor mister rabbit endured lots of baby drool. i think i need to wash his paws and ears.

the mama and papa on our walk downtown on monday morning. it was lovely. breezy. no one was up but us folks with babies. perfect.
she was eyein' her laundry basket. so i put her in it. i think she liked it. ;)
hi sweet baby who sits on her knees, crawls really fast and giggles laying on her back with her toes in her mouth, hi.
the daddy with his girl on the riverwalk downtown. ah coffee. yummy tasty coffee.

whatcha doin daddy? 'lowerin' your crib so that you'll quit using your bumper as a means to catapult your torso over the top of your crib.' oh.