this morning, something out of the blue, loralai says "mommy, did you miss me when i wasn't in your belly?" i thought she was talking about after she was born. referring to my missing feeling her in my belly. we've talked to her about how wonderful it was to grow her in my womb and feel her move about. so i reply "yes baby. i did miss you when you weren't in my belly." to which she says "i missed you too when i was in jesus' heart."
oh her love wrecks me.
i'm partial because i'm her mom, but if i can be as objective as possible i can honestly say that her heart understands so much more than i could ever speak into her. there's no way that she could have missed me before she was born. but i felt something when she said that. i felt jesus' love for me. He was longing to fill my womb, and my arms, with the love of loralai. and maybe He was missing her for me - for i cried so many tears trying to get pregnant with her. i longed for her for as long as i could remember. i just didn't know it was her. how could i have?
but when she laid across my chest and nursed for the first time, as though we'd done that a million times, i knew that my heart would never be the same. her soul resonated with mine. she spoke Love into my heart in ways i couldn't have conceived.
and when i struggle with this season of life, i look at that beautiful brown eyed girl and i rest. sometimes i have to speak rest back into myself, but slowly i get there.
todd and i left our church almost a year ago now. the church we thought we'd always go to and be a part of. but last Fall it was clear that the Lord was telling us that it was time to move on. we were thirsty for more. and while that church is beautiful in so many ways, there was no where for us to dig in for more. we tried. we searched and sought and asked the Lord to please not remove us from that place. that's where our people were.
but He said to us "are you willing to stay here for your friends or move somewhere else and have more of Me?" either way it would be fine. i knew He wouldn't be mad at us. His judgment was done long ago. but i knew that i couldn't live with myself if i stayed unchanged.
i had experienced more of God right before and after my dad died. and then shortly after it felt like that well had dried up. but really what had happened was that the Lord had activated gifts in me and brought them forward in powerful ways - but i failed to use what He'd given me. i was just too immature to understand that's what was happening. He hadn't given and taken away. He only gives good gifts. it's not in His nature to take away. it was in mine. i was lazy to pursue Him and honestly didn't know how.
we knew where the Lord was calling us.
and we cried. not because we didn't want to see what more the Lord had in waiting, but in knowing that there was likely a cost. and there is.
we've lost many friends who thought we were trying to say that we were "spiritually better" or had "graduated spiritually" or thought that our choice for moving on was a knock against the church we were leaving. just to hear those comments was stinging enough, but to know that our brothers and sisters of the same Lord would press against us, or stop talking to us, step out of life with us, was both frustrating and discouraging.
we basically started over.
we were the new kids at school. it was so uncomfortable and yet so freeing.
the first time i worshiped freely i remember thinking "thank you Jesus! this is what my soul has been crying out for, for so long!!"
and then it happened. there was a moment like mine and Loralai's. it wasn't in a sentence or in a night of worship or even as i journaled. it was just over time. but what He said was something like this:
your heart's desire is Mine. your desire is My heart. to be in the physical presence of Me. to know My heart. and while that desire is yours, I put it there. just like you didn't realize that you longed and missed Loralai before you ever knew her, you never knew that you missed and longed for the fullness of Me until you experienced more of Me. and when you did, even though you still miss your friends and long to be understood and not looked at like someone chasing the wind, the sting is less. and it will continue to be less. because you will continue to experience Me more and more. because that is what I promised you. and I never break my promises.
my desire was always tucked away in the Father's heart. i was desperate for Him.
i thought i knew my own desires. oh boy was i clueless. i mean i knew that i liked helping and seeing people healed. i knew that i wanted babies. i knew that i wanted to be known as God's daughter. but all of that, that was just words until i stepped into His anointing and experienced what my desires were.
my words fall short.
but now i see healing and have experienced it through the hands of people, through the power of God. and now i hold my babies who were once invisible inside Jesus' heart, then my womb, and now in my arms. and i feel my Papa's arms and i am in communion with the Lover of my Soul like never before.
the risk was worth it. and i dare say that i have only begun to Taste and See all that the Lord has for me.
